GENRE: Upper YA/Cross
Close to beginning after MC intro.
The cat's eye circled into itself. A beautiful small shell tucked in amongst the sand, hidden and yet wishing to be found – a secret woven tight around its centre. They were the smallest of treasures my eyes would search for along the black volcanic sand, and because of that held the highest reward.
My initial delight at such a find was a high pitched squeal that brought my mother to me, her enthusiasm matching mine, always. We were the cat's eye finders. We were the finders of all things. We were we, until the one day there was only me.
Scattered in the top drawer of her desk, amongst her drawings and notes, I found the letters, unfinished, folded and opened so many times, the paper frail and thin, looked older than they could possibly be.
Unfolding each one carefully, I felt the struggle in them, in whatever she'd wanted to say. For the most part, they were just pages of Dear Sophie and then a pooling of ink from a shoddy pen stuck in that one spot, except for one.
I wanted to take you back, but…. And then another puddle of ink. Back where? Another question. Another something left hanging.
What are these? I'd asked my father, but he shrugged his shoulders and left the room. You couldn't ask him much, not yet. He was still wandering around room to room looking for what he could no longer find.
And I remembered Toodles in Peter Pan, the little man who lost his marbles and spent his entire life searching for them, and I watched my father with his hair wild and unkempt, and how he would now stop in the middle of a room, look around him and then turn away to another.
I thought then of handing him his own bag of marbles, if I thought it would help.
I think this is interesting but it seems like all back story. I'm sure its all important to know but its like your telling the readers a long list of things they need to know before getting to the actual story, instead of showing them the stuff they need to know while the stories playing out. I think with a little work this could be good, it seems like an interesting story.
ReplyDeleteThere is too much going on here to figure out what is happening. What is important NOW and what is back story? What is the main focus of this scene?
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid to say I don't really understand. Many of the lines confused me (the ink blot lines, for instance) and I had to reread them a few times to try. A couple I think I understand what you're going for, but a couple I still don't get, either. It might be lack of context, but I think the imagery could use a little work.
ReplyDeleteThe transitions are also pretty much non-existent, which is probably partly why. I didn't understand what connected the different paragraphs or what the main idea of the paragraphs was or what was actually going on in the story at this point. Again, this might be lack of context, but I think it would be good to try to focus on drawing the parallels between the paragraphs so that they lead more directly from one to the other.
On the other hand, I really enjoyed the final couple of paragraphs about the marbles, the last line in particular. :)
I have to agree with the comments above -- this was a bit confusing, especially if it's coming toward the beginning of your story.
ReplyDeleteI do feel the voice here -- of reflection and longing -- and thought the last line fit in well.
I see a lot of remembering in this, but I'm not sure what the revelation is that the character has had. There are a lot of images floating around, very pretty images, and a lot of character emotion, but I'm not sure how they are connected to the plot.
ReplyDeleteI think there are moments that could be simplified, too. Some of the sentences start to sound melodramatic, and they actually take away from a beautiful moment. For example, the phrase 'looking for what he could no longer find' drags out the way the sentence landed.
I hear the longing in the character, but I'm not sure what the character is longing for. Also, the language didn't sound like a YA character to me. I pictured a woman in her mid-50's, and was surprised when I went back to the top and saw it was YA/cross.
I was a bit confused, maybe because I don't know what came before this. Also, it seemed to jump around. First the cat's eyes, which is a shell? Yet, it "The cat's eye circled into itself." I couldn't picture it.
ReplyDeleteThen she was reading a letter. Then her father seemed to appear without warning.
I like how she described her father.
Help. Please don't laugh, especially you Authoress. I'm obviously terribly sleep deprived. Whilst reading comments, not only my own but others too, I thought what the hell is everyone going on about 'revelation' for. You know not getting what the revelation was. I thought there was an awful lot of fixating going on out there, and then I scrolled up. Seriously, I've got some major blog issues. You all have my apologies and my thanks for your comments. I know now where I'd like to start with this particular passage and I thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteAuthoress...please stop laughing!!
Apparently your MC lost her mother. Apparently there's something that she wanted to say to her but never could. And finally apparently her father wasn't taking the loss very well. Beyond that I'm not sure what's being said. I say this with the most kindness in heart and mind. It's well written, I'm just unable to understand what's going on.
ReplyDeleteEscape Artist - this is a friendly blog, I doubt that anyone, especially Authoress, is laughing at you. I'm sure we're all just glad that this excerpt isn't your idea of 'revelation'. Now to my comments on the piece itself...
ReplyDeleteI think Kaitlyne hit the nail on the head. You need to transition more smoothly between paragraphs so we understand the connection between them. I was picturing her on the beach, then in her mother's room, then in some kitchen/living/dining room with her father. I think you need to focus the scene and make it clear to your readers where this is taking place.
I think this scene has the potential to be very moving, but as it is I feel detached from the action, and I think it's because you're doing so much telling. Show us instead. Show us her father's grief, show him wandering from room to room.
I have to agree with everyone else. This excerpt went to too many places too fast. Perhaps pick a moment (usually the one when things change or go wrong for your MC) and start the story there, then tell the story. Let it play out rather than giving us all this back story.
ReplyDeleteI actually found this excerpt to be captivating. It kind of cradled my imagination in several different ways and kept me reading. I read some of the above comments and perhaps I'm missing something, but what everyone else is calling confusion I thought was voice.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this I felt like I was being told a story, a very personal story, by a person. And I think that works very well here.
I like how it introduces the father without officially introducing him. The relationship between the mc and the mc's father (and even how the mc feels about his/her mother) is very clear.
This segment starts by talking about Cat's-eye marbles, then moves to talking about parents, then back to the marbles at the end. I like that, but the first three paragraphs seem a little disjointed. With more work on transition between those paragraphs and making the change of subject(s) smoother, I think this is a great piece.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Reesha for your kind comments. Much appreciated!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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