TITLE: Hannah's Half
GENRE: YA Paranormal Mystery
Hannah, an 18-year-old reluctant psychic just learns that the ghost who's appeared to her is her twin flame - the other half of her soul - and the two have led numerous lives together, each with disastrous consequences.
In less than a minute, she was back in the living room, handing me a glass of water. I downed it in one chug, the ice cubes tumbling messily onto my upper lip. I set the glass on the coffee table and wiped my mouth with my sleeve.
"Tell me. I'm ready."
She paused for so long I wanted to shake her.
"I've had a series of very intense visions. Always a woman and man, or girl and boy, who share a deep, almost obsessive bond."
"What does that have to do with me?"
"I think the females in the visions are you, Hannah, although you look nothing like them. I now believe the male is Adam and that the two of you have been connected for many, many lifetimes -- one as recently as the 1960s."
"What did you mean earlier when you said 'disastrous results'?" My stomach convulsed and I wrapped my arms around my middle.
"The female in these visions is so wholly committed in her love for the male that she risks her life for him with devastating consequences."
"You mean she dies for him."
"Yes, in each vision she dies for him. You die for Adam."
"You're having three different visions, aren't you," I asked but already knew the answer.
Sophia eyed me wearily and nodded.
"Now, I have something to share with you," I said.
I liked this. Love the line about her dying for him in every lifetime. Instantly had me wondering "Oh no! Will she die for him this time?" Love that tension.
ReplyDeleteJust two things that stood out to me. The line "My stomach convulsed and I wrapped my arms around my middle." feels clunky to me. I can't put my finger on why, but you mention her stomach/middle twice and it doesn't flow smoothly.
Also, I don't think you can eye someone "wearily". I think you can give someone a weary look, but when you eye someone it's usually more scrutiny. Just a little thing. :)
All in all though this is a fantastic moment of revelation. It's quick and to the point and says so much. I like it a lot.
Oh snap. Interesting turn of events. No way is Hannah gonna die for him, I know it! She's gonna find some way to change the past.
ReplyDeleteThis is intriguing. You leave the reader with a lot of questions, which is good when you want them to read on.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of little technical things.
The female in these visions is so wholly committed in her love ...
I think this should be 'committed to' not 'in'.
And maybe she eyed her 'warily' as opposed to 'wearily'?
Groovy! My book is about past lives, too. I really like this excerpt.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have much to critique, just two minor things. 'I asked but already knew the answer' feels like it needs a comma or to be broken into two: I asked. But I already knew the answer.
And this is just my personal preference, but I like more descriptions of facial expressions, gestures, etc. You have some really good ones already.
Great job and good luck!
all i want to know is what she has to share!
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting premise. I like it! Also, love your protagonist's name. :)
ReplyDeleteTwo things... One, "the ice cubes tumbling messily onto my upper lip" doesn't flow well for me. I understand what you mean (because that happens to me all the time when I'm drinking, frankly), but I think it could be expressed more clearly. Two, I think the revelation that she and Adam have been connected through many lifetimes should draw some kind of response, at least internally, in Hannah before she moves on to asking about the disastrous results. It's too extraordinary for her to just skim over without any reaction.
Great excerpt!
Ahhhh! What does Hannah have to tell her?!? Talk about a cliff hanger! This is great. I really liked it, and I'm not usually a big fan of paranormal. Kudos!
ReplyDeleteI too had to read the line about the "ice cubes...messily." It took me about two or three times before I could truly picture it. All in all though, I liked the story, and would read it just to find out what happened. Perhaps a bit more response from Hannah about Adam would have been good too, only because you describe them as having this profound bond. I know that if "I" were in a relationship that intense I would be fretting about what would be happening to Adam...etc. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteGreat work. Ice cubes didn't work for me either and I wanted to feel a bit more of a reaction from Hannah, but I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteA very nice reveal, but it doesn't work as well as it could because we get no reaction from Hannah. This is big news and she doesn't comment on it. She doesn't think about it or even consider it a moment. SHe has no physical reaction. It sounds to me like this is a big moment in the plot, possibly even a turning point. Adding her reactions will make it as big as it needs to be.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'd suggest cutting the glass of water all together. It doesn't add anything. Perhaps show us her anticipation instead, her need to know what the other character is about to tell her, which is more relevant to the plot.
Great scene. I like the tension and I definitely would read on.
ReplyDeleteThe ice cubes stopped me too, as well as the word "convulsed." Seemed a bit clinical to me. Also, you could probably chose a better word than female, something that feels more organic, but I don't know the whole story.
Overall, very good!
VERY engaging and smooth! Congratulations! I agree with Anne absolutely: I'm hooked! What is HER revelation? As far as suggestions, Hanna and Monica make good points about the ice-cubes; a line that snags just a litte (especially compared to the polished cadence your voice projects). I hope your dream agent finds his/her way to Durango soon! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm having trouble picturing where the psychic stuff comes in. I'm also confused about who the twin souls are, the two girls, or the one psychic girl and this Adam character. The dialogue also feels disjointed, but perhaps it's picking up on other convo's we don't get here. I didn't mind the ice cubes thing.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
viagra bekasi
alat bantu seks jakarta
hammer of thor asli bekasi
viagra cod bekasi
jual viagra cod bekasi
hammer of thor cod bekasi
viagra asli cod bekasi
obat perangsang bekasi
alat bantu sex bekasi