TITLE: Arclight
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
The MC had no memory of her rescue beyond what she was told. Tobias is a friend, Rue was supposed to be the enemy, and Tobias' father was supposed to be the one who died to save her.
"This is where I saw your father, Tobias. It's where you lost him." I have his attention now. The desire to run melts away, and the poised tension in his muscles relaxes.
"You remember my dad?"
"I was there, under that wooden deck," I say.
He's right behind me as I run for the ruined remnants of the pier where I hid from the ones trying to take me away. Things pull into tighter focus so that sounds emerge: voices, and then the faces that go with them.
The water doesn't feel as cold as it should. Everything was cold when Rue brought me out with him. It should be cold, but in my new memory, it was warm and welcoming, a blanket and a shield that kept me safe until...
"He stood over there. I didn't think he saw me, but he waded out into the water until it was almost to his chest." I still don't know what made him think to look here. Did his flashlight catch some reflection off the water on my skin, or did I make a splash and not notice? Maybe his instincts were just that good; I couldn't hide from him at all. "He looked me right in the face and told me I was safe... I didn't feel safe. I was terrified."
"Of course you were," Tobias says, but he doesn't understand.
"Of him, Tobias. I was scared of your father. He's what I was hiding from."
Ok, it took me a while to figure out that she was returning to the place of her rescue to try and remember what happened. Not your fault just a casualty of this crit. session ;) ANYWAY! I suggest going through this again and really clarifying where she's wavering between the true memories and her percieved memories--that's the only confusion that frustrated me trying to understand what was happening. For example her perceptions of whether the water should be cold or warm I got lost between which one was right, and her memory of seeing Rue I got tangled in whether or not she felt safe originally and when/why that changed. First par. there's a POV issue just with the "desire to run melting" part.
ReplyDeleteRewrite her mental process of discovering the memory and keep us clear about what are her false memories and her shock as she absorbs the true memories. Right now she's speaking too much as if the revelation was expected. Great story and good luck!
I'm pretty much in tune with what tanyamaikai said. Its hard critiquing without much context, but I can grasp that you have strong craft here and you know your story.
ReplyDeleteI do want to say I particularly like how you write the process of her discovery...as in, I think this might be my favorite entry so far because it feels the most like a revelation. Not just in what she's telling him, but in that it really feels like she's rediscovering things herself. The tone is great, essentially. And I do like the way in the last paragraph you balance what she's saying with her continuing that train of thought in her actual thoughts...that she's not saying everything she's thinking, and that her internal monologue isn't just repeating what you already show us.
Good work!
I wasn't sure what the reveal was. Was it that she is slowly realizing things weren't/aren't the way they've been told to her? Or is the reveal when she tells Tobias she was afraid of his father.
ReplyDeleteIn both cases, it comes across as her just explaining things. In the first scenario, I'm not seeing or feeling that 'Aha!' moment of realzation. Perhaps add that if that is the revelation. If it's the second scenario, it ends before we get Tobias' reaction to the news, so there's no way to tell if it works or not. I do think I should be able to figure out what the revelation is, even if I am dropped into the middle of the scene.
If I wasn't looking for a revelation, I'd say this was strong and well written. It does give a sense of what's going on, even without your short blurb, and it does make me want to read more.
There needs to be a transition where the MC gets into the water. At least, I think that was in the present (in present tense).
ReplyDeleteIn the paragraph "The water..." I got confused which parts of the scene are in the present or a memory. Flipping between present and past tense helped, but I was still working hard to try and make sense of it.
I liked the reveal in the last line and how you subtly foreshadowed it in the previous paragraph.
I agree with some of the others that there needs to be more clarity between past and present.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, this is really good!
Oooh, While I agree with the other commenters, there's something about this that I really like! I'd definitely read more!
ReplyDeletenice!
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