GENRE: MG Adventure/Fantasy
Bo Wolf has come to a new school and discovered the playground's been overrun by an abnormally huge bully. He discovers a playground gang that's been beaten off the jungle gym by the bully, and are now hiding out in the trees. He has an idea of recruiting them.
A bit further back, in a worn down, high backed teacher's chair, sat a boy. His eyes were fixed on me. Other kids surrounded him, like they were his bodyguards or something. He had dark hair and looked like he could be pretty dangerous, but why was he sitting in a teacher's chair outside in the cold? We stopped, and Reagan went and stood by him.
"I saw you sword fighting with those...nerds," said the kid in the chair. "You were pretty good. Where did you learn that stuff?"
"I take fencing class," I said. "Where'd you get the chair?"
"This is my gang, so I get a cool chair. Is that a problem?" I shrugged.
"You're here by my permission. Don't forget that," said the kid. "Your name's Bo, right?"
I couldn't let this dummy think he was better than me just because he had some playground gang and a cool chair.
"Maybe. Maybe not," I said.
"Just answer my question, or else I'll break your puny arms." He chuckled. "They look like flexi-straws." Everyone laughed but me. And then all the stuff Eddie had said yesterday came together for me. This gang, hiding out in the trees...of course!
"You're Harry, aren't you?" I stepped closer. "This is your gang! This is your new hideout since Grendul brought the smackdown on you and your boys?" I laughed. "It sounds to me like you ladies got kicked off your home turf by just an ugly kid."
Harry's face burned red.
Bo Wolf?
ReplyDeleteGrendul?
Are you rewriting Beowulf? As an MG schoolyard story?
THAT'S FABULOUS!
I cannot wait to see this in print.
I'd love to see lots of the tension and body language and ego posturing that young boys have when they compete for turf.
YAY for Beowulf and down with the bullies! The only issue I had was the voice seems a little old for MG age characters.
ReplyDeleteI like this but I'd suggest you try not to break up a paragraph of dialogue more than once (for example, with a movement). It puts bumps in your flow and you don't want too many bumps.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think the "I shrugged" is supposed to be on a new line. If not, it's confusing as is.
Thanks for the help everyone! Much appreciated. Sorry about the formatting. Holly you're right. Somehow the formatting got messed up on parts and some paragraph breaks.
ReplyDeleteI really like this, too. I have a couple of minor points.
ReplyDeleteBo Wolf sounds like a real name, but Grendul doesn't.
I think fencing classes makes more sense than the singular.
The 2nd to last sentence will be stronger and will flow better without the just.
I like the voice. Nice!
I liked this too, but the voice felt older than mg.
ReplyDeleteI thought the reveal worked. It's not a big one, but he's putting together facts he learned earlier, and he acts on his new insight.
ReplyDeleteI thought it sounded MG until the last parg. That seemed more YA to me, and I couldn't picture a 12 year old talking like that.
And I wonder if there's more to this than beating the bullies, because that's done so often. Is there a deeper, internal goal?
Overall, it was a fun read.
ReplyDeletenice!
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