GENRE: YA Contemporary
Here is where my MC realizes that everything in her life is to change. But not necessarily for the worst or better. She was shot during a school rampage and is in the hospital hearing the news for the first time.
"So what does that even mean?" He was tiring me very quickly and I just wanted to know what was going on. My head was starting to throb incessantly.
"Well, from what we can tell when you were awake before you no longer have full function below the point of injury. Once everything gets more stabilized and we see that there's no risk of infection we can see if it can be removed. You've lost a portion of your liver, but since those regenerate, we don't see much in the way of damage there." He smiled at me, again it was like he was telling me he needed to pick oranges up at the store.
"So what does that mean?" My voice was starting to get hysterical.
"For right now, as far as we can tell, you're paralyzed from the waist down. You were shot in the L-3 vertebra, the bone wasn't shattered, merely nicked, its healing nicely." His voice made me want to leap out of bed and punch him right in the nose. Paralyzed from the waist down! I'd show him!
Glaring at him defiantly I tried to get out of bed, but my legs didn't want to work. They looked just like the legs I always had, but they weren't responding anymore. Squeezing my eyes shut I mentally shouted at my legs to move, but nothing happened.
"For right now, as far as we can tell, you're paralyzed from the waist down. You were shot in the L-3 vertebra, the bone wasn't shattered, merely nicked, its healing nicely." His voice made me want to leap out of bed and punch him right in the nose. Paralyzed from the waist down! I'd show him!
Glaring at him defiantly I tried to get out of bed, but my legs didn't want to work. They looked just like the legs I always had, but they weren't responding anymore. Squeezing my eyes shut I mentally shouted at my legs to move, but nothing happened.
This is a very interesting premise and certainly on a lot of people's minds right now, but overall, I think this piece needs tightening up.
ReplyDeleteStart with your brief intro. How could being paralyzed not be "for the worse"? I'm pretty sure that would fall under the category of devastating for me.
First paragraph:
"He was tiring me very quickly and I just wanted to know what was going on. My head was starting to throb incessantly."
WAS tiring. WAS starting - Passive voice.
VERY QUICKLY - too many adverbs
STARTING TO - commit to your actions.
Rewrite:
I was tired. My head throbbed. I just wanted to know what was going on.
Next paragraph:
"Well, from what we can tell when you were awake before you no longer have full function below the point of injury."
This sentence doesn't make sense to me. Also, there are more WAS -ING actions, and "we see" three times in one piece of dialogue.
I would go through this again, remove every "was", every word ending in "-ly" and every "starting," then work with what you have left.
It's courageous of you to share your work with us and I hope this exercise helps improve your writing. It sounds like it will be an interesting story and worth editing. Good luck!
I agree with most of the above. It does need tightening, but it's an interesting premise and certainly a horror-stricken scene. I like it a lot.
ReplyDeleteI like how he's calmly explaining everything that's wrong with her while she grows more hysterical. It feels very believable the way she'd be angry with him and his tone of voice. It's a scary situation!
Just a little thing. This bit: "Glaring at him defiantly I tried to get out of bed, but my legs didn't want to work. They looked just like the legs I always had, but they weren't responding anymore. " You mention twice that her legs don't want to work / aren't working. This could use tightening.
All in all it's a good premise. With tightening this has the potential to be a very intense scene! Nice work.
I also agree with the above...and you have a lot of "Was something-ing" going on.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with the revision suggestions above. Also, I felt the third paragraph was too long. The Dr. needs to tell her what happened faster, so we can get to her reaction. That's the part that hooked me. I also wonder if she's hearing this for the first time alone. Are her parents in the room? Would a Dr. tell a teenager this kind of thing without the parents there? If they are, that can add to the building fear and hysteria. She can look at them for confirmation, and see the truth in their tear stained faces. Your mc has a strong voice. I'm already rooting for her to defy the odds and walk again.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great excerpt! It was believable to me, his medical talk sounded legit, not that I'm a doctor (I'm assuming you researched it). Her reaction also seemed right on. And yes, good voice.
ReplyDeleteI thought the build up to the reveal was great. I loved him explaining and explaining and her just wanting to know what it all meant.
ReplyDeleteVery realistic.
I didn't think the actual moment of revelation worked. Her reaction to it doesn't seem normal.
Paralyzed from the waist down? I'd show him! I can't imagine anyone thinking this at a moment like that. I'd expect disbelief, then fear and devastation. I'd expect her to attempt to move right away. To feel her legs. The I'll show him wouldn't come until much later, after she accepts her new predicament and decides she's going live her life despite the setback. Perhaps give us a bit more fear, worry, why me type of thing than her defiance?
ANd I agree with Rachel. Cleaning up the writing will make this much stronger.
ReplyDeletenice!
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