Thursday, March 10, 2011

Drop the Needle: REVELATION #36

TITLE: Back To Me
GENRE: Women's fiction

Kate Dalton has been in a constant state of exasperation since she met Jake Bailey. Every time she thinks he might have a redeeming quality, he opens that big cocky mouth of his and she remembers she can't stand him. Except she can't seem to stay away from him. This scene is when she first realizes she's attracted to him.

“How would you know what my type is? You don't know anything about me.” They were standing almost hip to hip, both facing out toward the woods.

“Really?” he asked, cocking a suspicious eyebrow at her. Turning back to the trees, he took another swig. “I know you get goose bumps on your arm when I touch your leg,” he said, reaching down to the small space between their legs and running a fingertip across an inch of her exposed thigh.

Looking at her arm, she realized he was right about the goose bumps. She hoped he hadn't felt the shudder too.

Jerking away from him to put a few inches between them, she said, “Don't be so sure of yourself. Did you ever think maybe I'm a little chilly out here?”

He looked away from darkness beyond the porch and directly in her eyes. “I don't think you're cold.” He put his left hand on the right side of her face and she was sure he was going to kiss her. Instead, he leaned in and kissed the left side of her face, near her hairline. She could feel his hot breath on her ear as he whispered, “In fact, I think I make you a little warm.”

She flinched, backing away from him before he could feel the heat radiating from her skin or hear the pounding of her heart. She felt as vulnerable as if she were naked out there.


  1. Oh, hotness!
    I think it might be fun to have more detail about him. She's very aware of herself and her reactions, but why? What is it about him that has her feeling this way?

  2. I like this a lot. It's very sensual. And he seems like a very sexy guy, even if he is cocky and over-confident in himself.

  3. I agree, very hot. But the goosebumps/shudders are pretty commonplace in these types of scenes. Would love to know if he notices something else about her... Does she blink too fast, does her chest redden, does she bite the inside of her cheek? Your writing is great ---- I just love to see what's beneath the surface.

  4. I like that he is very aware of how he makes her feel. I too would like to know more detail about him.

  5. I agree with everyone else that this is well written. It flows smoothly and I can picture it in my head. My only critique is that nothing really stands out. I read a lot of romance novels and it reads like something I've read many times before. The hot breath on her ear, heat radiating from her skin, pounding of her heart-I found them all predictable and not very interesting. I don't mean to be harsh because I did find the writing very good.

  6. I didn't see a reveal here. She's reacting to what he is doing, but there's no OMG I want him! or Who cares if he's a jerk. He's my jerk. There's nothing here that says she's surprised by what she's feeling for him. In fact, we really don't know what she's feeling. She could be mad at herself for liking what he's doing, after all, she keeps moving away. She doesn't respond in a way that says she wants him, too. She doesn't even think it. Perhaps add some of that in.

    Overall, it could be tightened up.

    What is a suspicious eyebrow?
    She was sure he was going to kiss her, Instead he kissed . . . There's no "instead" He still kissed her.
    Jerking away from him to put a few inches between them ... You could cut to put a few inches between them. the jerking away says that.

    Perhaps a revision to make it tighter and clearer.

  7. 'They were standing almost hip to hip, both facing out...' When I read that line I had to go back and re-read it a couple of times to picture it.
    Now that could be just me but I wanted to see them clearly in my mind and I couldn't. I liked it and I wanted to be standing there, so I'm guessing that's a good reaction, but I wanted more of her reaction.
    Well done. Good luck.