Thursday, March 10, 2011

Drop the Needle: REVELATION #41

TITLE: HERE LIES THE BRIDE
GENRE: Mystery

After two years of searching, Sarah has finally discovered her fiancé, who disappeared on the eve of their wedding.

I had taken a few steps when the door creaked open. I turned around.

It was open just a crack, but his face peeked out. It was definitely him. "Hello?"

"Jack? It's me Sarah."

The door opened wider and he stuck his head out. His hair was rumpled and his stubble was a few days old. "Sarah?"

"Yes," I whispered. "It's me."

He threw open the door and stood frozen in his boxers, as though he were looking at an apparition. He was the same Jack, but more tan and a little thinner than I last saw him, and with a bit more chestnut brown facial hair. A few wrinkles burst from around his to die for Paul Newman blue eyes.

It was his eyes that scared me. There was something missing in them.

"Jack." I fell to my knees on the cold marble floor and held my hands to my face. I struggled to breathe. "You're alive."

"My God." He crossed the space in two seconds and crouched to the ground, pulling me into an embrace.

The tears came in a wave before I could stop them. "I knew it. You're alive."

He pulled away and looked at me. "How did you find me?"

"What?" I asked.

"Who sent you here?" He looked around the empty hall.

"Who sent me here?" The anger, pain, and sadness of the past two years burst open.

"What the hell is going on Jack? I want to know right now."

8 comments:

  1. I have to say, I loved this. The scene feels so real and intense. I love the line "It was definitely him". It's realistic how quickly she processed it was his face, and knew it was him, even before we know officially what's going on.

    Also I love how something's missing in his eyes and how he seems nervous that she's found him. It's very intriguing!

    Well done!

    Just a few things... the "chestnut brown" bit of the facial hair feels unnecessary. It stood out to me, and not in a good way, especially since you already mentioned the stubble on his face.

    Also, in the line "What?" I asked -- the "I asked" feels unnecessary. The question mark is enough to let us know she's asking. I almost want a little more on HOW she's asking. What does her voice sound like or what's going through her mind? How is she asking? There are many ways you can say 'what' and this one feels crucial.

    I want to read more of this. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree! Well done! For me this flowed without a hitch. The writer disappears, and only the scene remains. Sarah wants to know? Heck, I want to know!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I, too, really like this! The scene is strong. I suggest getting rid of the word *was* whenever you can to make it more active.

    For example:
    It WAS his eyes that scared me. There WAS something missing in them.

    POssible rewrite:
    Those eyes that I loved before now scared me. They lacked something that had been there before.

    Would love to see some facial expressions or body language, especially from Jack, who just be just as freaked out.

    I'd read on.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Obviously don't use "before" twice as I did. ;O

    ReplyDelete
  5. Excellent. This gripped me all the way. Tension was fantastic, the imagery great.

    I saw nothing to crit.

    I would read more.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Such a great scene #41! Intense and real. From reading this, I want to know how she found him too. And where he went. I would also delete the chestnut brown facial hair line. The stubble covered it. Other than that, it flowed beautifully.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great reveal. It worked really well, and left us with even more questions to keep us reading.

    I agree about cutting the chestnut brown, and would also add the to die for Paul Newman eyes. She might describe his eyes like that a girlfriend, but I can't believe she'd be thinking that in that particular moment.

    The writing could also be tightened up. You have us in a suspenseful moment. Perhaps use shorter, more direct sentences. AN example --

    His eyes scared me. SOmething was missing in them.

    Overall though, nicely done.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks to all for your wonderful feedback! The chestnut brown facial hair is gone : )

    Stacy

    ReplyDelete