Thursday, March 10, 2011

Drop the Needle: REVELATION #42

TITLE: Chancy Lane
GENRE: Chick Lit

Chancy Lane can find anything including Maggie Tzet, a young kidnapping victim. And now another child is missing and Chancy must rely on her skill, an old flame and, of course, a new flame to find the young girl before it is too late.

I have a gift.

I have a gift for finding things…things that are lost, missing or have magically disappeared into thin air.

For the most part I find small items. Keys, jewelry, cell phones, nail files, Eric's black book. And twice a month I find Tank.

Tank is Aunt Mo's Siamese cat. Twelve pounds and still growing. Aunt Mo is my landlord and my house mate.

A couple times a month Tank goes missing and Aunt Mo calls me frantic for her feline. Driving to the beach I take the call and reassure her that Tank is fine. I glance at Tank in my passenger seat, front paws on the car door, ears flopping in the wind as he growls at passing cars. I agree to come home at once to help with the search and turn the car around. Tank glances at me and flattens his ears, unhappy that his adventure has to end.

I arrive home, crack the windows and give Tank some kitty treats. I then proceed to look high and low. Before Aunt Mo becomes too distressed I grab Tank from my car and return him to his grateful mistress. She is so grateful that she refuses my rental payment of $300.00 each and every month. I give Tank a squeeze and a high five...paws to palm. He heads for his litter box and I head for the beach.

12 comments:

  1. This is cute. I like the idea of a MC with a gift for finding things. I'm not really sure what her revelation is, though.

    Tank seems more like a dog than a cat. If that was your intent, cool. If not, well... I've never met a cat who sticks his head out the window of a car. Every cat I've ever known hates riding in a car. Also, if the MC already has Tank in her front seat, why is she heading home to help with the search? Or is this the search for a new missing child, instead of the search for the cat? I think that should be made more clear, especially since the MC is heading home to help with the search in one paragraph and driving to the beach in the next. I'm not totally sure what's going on.

    I'd lose the "grateful" repetition in the last paragraph.

    I'm interested, but not 100% hooked.

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  2. There's a nice cadence to the writing. Especially first three paragraphs. Seems like the first 250 words, not the Drop the Needle/Revelation.

    I think you need to make it clear that the MC takes the cat for drives with her aunt's knowledge and is *fooling* her when she gets back.

    Cat does seem like dog - but just point out how much Tank loves cars, that he's probably the reincarnation of a dog since he loves the wind in his ears, that they take these drives all the time.

    I'd read more.

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  3. I'm a little confused by the age here. This protag sounds really young but if this is chick lit, she's supposed to be like 25.

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  4. I like the voice here, but it seems to be more of a back story scene.

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  5. I was absolutely hooked by this. I'm not sure whether the MC swipes Tank, or if Tank is taking off, Incredible-Journey-like, or if he's some sort of familiar. I liked it all, although I did feel bad for Tank that his journey ended.

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  6. I'd read more. I like that Chancy can find people. Though I wondered if it's a sixth sense kind of thing, or a detective story. Either way, that's the part I'd want to get to. It's great that you showed this part of her personality, that she's clever, and can manipulate situations in her favor. I didn't see a revelation, though. This read more like an opening chapter to me.

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  7. I like this...and how finding a cat, so simple, ties into the bigger story of finding people later on. The short, intro sentences draws me in. But I agree, it does sound more like a dog than a cat - however my cats tend to act like dogs sometimes too...

    I am a little confused though - did the MC take the cat for a purpose? Otherwise, why would she return home to help with the cat search when he is with her? Is the cat is connected to her abilities to find people and things?

    I would read more, and how the MC brings her gift to finding people...
    -Donna

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  8. I liked this! (I'm a cat person:<) I especially liked the set up of her finding lost items and 'finding' the wayward Siamese who's not lost strictly speaking. Does the protagonist periodically swipe the cat for company on outings...to avoid paying rent when the funds are low...or does the cat tag along of its own accord? I'm not sure, and it may not be an important point. You get the idea across: set up the premise (finder of lost things), add a humorous twist, and twist it again (via the rent). One question, will you stay in present tense, or switch to past tense. Good luck!

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  9. I liked this. I enjoyed where I believe you were going to take us. Only thing I had to go back and check if it was a cat or not. Do cat's ears flap in the wind? That seemed more like dog imagery.
    Good luck!

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  10. Well,I didn't see any reveal. To me, this reads like the opening to a novel.

    As for the opening -- what happened? Nothing. Your MC talked. I don't know her name. I don't know where she is. I don't how old she is. I don't know where she is in her life. (DOes she just have a lousy paying job, or is she scrounging off of Aunty Mo) You've basically given us the setup, but nothing happened. EVerything you told us is stuff we can learn little by little as the story unfolds. Perhaps start in the middle of things, with the announcement of the child who is missing, that way we get right into the action.

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  11. I agree with Holly, the protagonist seems young, and the others that the cat seems more like a dog. Interesting premise though.

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  12. I'm assuming you haven't worried about the theme, because there's nothing in this piece I'd classify as revelation. Apart from that, Barbara is right. It's all backstory. I do like the idea of her swiping the cat and pretending to find it so she doesn't have to pay rent, so maybe you could start with a scene where she is doing just this, during the course of which she could learn about the missing child.

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