Thursday, March 10, 2011

Drop the Needle: REVELATION #44

TITLE: Countless
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

After a week of disturing visions, my main character Eva has just been saved from demons by mysterious hottie Ambrose. She has no experience with the paranormal, and she's questioned him about what she just saw him do.

He looked at her with a strange intensity. "You should know what I am. You should know what you are." A vortex of emotion swirled in his eyes - frustration, fascination, even a trace of fear. "How is it you don't know?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Know what? What is it I'm supposed to know?" Her voice quavered.

He put his palm on the side of her face and her eyes opened. "You should know that you are the biggest mystery of all."

Eva's brain was trying to swim through what he'd just said, when suddenly his lips were pressing against hers.

She struggled and shoved back hard on his chest. "What the hell are you doing, Ambrose?" But through her anger she felt something emanating from him, a swirl of magic like she'd felt in her vision.

"I'm trying to show you something," he said, pulling her against him again. His lips found hers and the power washed around them and she didn't pull away.

His magic rushed around her, familiar and normal. It surrounded her, melding with her. Then suddenly a power of her own shimmered through her. It felt so recognizable that she didn't know how she hadn't noticed its absence before. Like a missing limb or lack of vision, it was so vital a part of her she couldn't imagine not having it.

"Do you understand now?" he asked, piercing her with a laser gaze. "You're not normal, Eva. We share that."


  1. Until this section, '...when suddenly a power of her own shimmered through her...' I had nothing to crit :) Good stuff here.

    Some editors say never use the word 'suddenly'. And really, this sentence reads great without the word.

    IMHO, I would note the echoes in the rest of this paragraph. You might want to pare them down.

    Love, love the last sentence! Overall, darn good job.

  2. I like it, and I feel like I'd like to read more of the story.
    One bit I would question - "His magic rushed around her, familiar and normal." If she's got no experience with the paranormal, then how could it be familiar? How would she even know that what she felt was his magic?

    Apart from that, I really like it!

  3. Really, Dude? Saying she's a mystery, forcing a kiss on her, and then telling her she's not normal is not exactly the way to a woman's heart. Run, girl, run for your life! Twas intriguing, though, I must say.

  4. I'd vote for some more indignation about the kiss, more demands to know what the heck he was talking about.
    I guess I need to be hit over the head with what the "power" is that's rushing around them.

    We probably get more from what comes before and after this snippet (like her visions of her power).
    There's a lot of swirling, rushing, swimming, a vortex -- the movements seem duplicative.

    I'd read more.

  5. There's not really much to go off of here besides a demon forcing himself upon a girl. It's well written, but for some reason it doesn't pull me in. Maybe it happens too fast?

  6. I'm with Alisa in that it's great right up until you tell us that it's "familiar". A moment ago you had her all aghast at what was happening and completely confused, now she knows this like it's been there all along. Perhaps there's a way to express this without making it come across as if she's contradicting herself. Great piece...makes me wonder what's going on! (Although maybe he COULD have explained things in a more "appropriate way" the cad! LOL)

  7. I didn't think the revelation worked mostly because everything is ambiguous here. We don't really know what she's seeing and experiencing. His magic rushed around her. What is his magic? WHat does it feel like? How does it affect her? Then it melds with her magic, which she didn't even know she had, so everything she feels should be new and amazing, yet she doesn't comment on it all.

    Overall, I thought the excerpt shared that same problem. A lot of it is vague.

    You should know what I am--but she doesn't, so neither do we.

    She's the biggest mystery of all--what does that mean?

    Like a missing limb or lack of vision, it was so vital a part of her she couldn't imagine not having it. -- I know what you mean, but what you're saying is a missing and limb and blindness are vital.

    And then he kisses her and she pushes him away. He forces himself on her again and this time she allows it. It's kind of cliche and, apart from that, it reinforces the idea that when a woman says no, she doesn't really mean it.

    Perhaps consider a revision that says more clearly what you are trying to get across.

  8. I agree with a lot of the comments here. I feel like you spend too much time emphasising your MC doesn't know what she is, then rush through the actual revelation. And I'm with those who are little disturbed that she pushes him away and then he goes back again without seeming to care.

  9. I'll second most of the thoughts already stated. Beware of making your characters seem Bella and Edwardish.