TITLE: SMALL BOY'S MANUAL OF SELF-DEFENSE
GENRE: MG with graphics
I'm "The Perfect Target" for older kids because I wear glasses, and I'm small for eleven years old.
My goal last year was not to be noticed, but it didn't work. You'd think I had a neon sign on my back that said, "Pick On Me." One thing I get picked on for is that I don't wear clothes like everyone else.
If you have the wrong name, like I do, they'll tease you, too. Try Everett Walter Winston. Think about it. E.W.W. That's EWW! When I get old enough, I'm changing my name to Iron Man or The Hulk. You also get picked on if you have a squeaky voice… Geez, I have that, too. This year my goal is to learn self-defense, so I don't get picked on so much. Last night, when I was playing a video game instead of
doing my homework, I heard my mom's footsteps in the hall.
Geez, I forgot to shut my door again. I covered up my computer screen quick and turned the game off just when the knight was going to slay a dragon.
Mom waved some paper and pens in the air, "You should write down whatever you learn about self-defense and share it with other kids."
What? Where did she get that crazy idea?
"I'll give you a bigger allowance if you do."
Of course, I said, "Okay." Who doesn't want a bigger allowance?
OK, I like the voice.
ReplyDeleteTHe sentence - "This year my goal is to learn self-defense.." I'd change the rest of that sentence. You already tell us he's "picked on" maybe find something that says the same thing, with different words?
If it's his video game, was HIS knight just about to slay the dragon? I'd think this is important if HIS knight was doing well and he got interrupted.
This is a fun voice - already said that - but I like the less formal train of thought.
LOL, cute woe is me voice. I'm already sympathetic. Couple of things. First line, I'd lose the quotes around Perfect Target, maybe just leave it capitalized for emphasis. Switch the order around for better flow maybe? Something like -
ReplyDeleteI'm the Perfect Target for older kids because I'm small for eleven years old. AND I wear glasses.
Also, the neon sign line from the next paragraph fits perfectly with this, so tie it in somehow. Combine the two thoughts, so we think of Perfect Target being written in neon letters on his back.
Watch your Geez usage - if you use it twice so close together here, I suspect you might be using it more than you realize elsewhere.
Other than that, great work. I love how quickly you introduce the central premise, and really enjoy the voice.
I LOVE your title. It made me laugh out loud. I'm picturing a very funny book.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you're jumping around a little, though. You only mention the self-defense as a goal--suddenly his mom wants him to write about it? Sorry, it felt contrived to me. Unless you start with the offer then go into his issues, maybe? Opening with his mother would give the piece more punch and action from the get go.
I like this, but you need to be aware that the MC comes off whiny if he goes on much longer about how horrible it is to be picked upon. Show us some action to get the story rolling. MG readers are notoriously impatient.
ReplyDeleteThe voice has promise but I was thrown by the fact he doesn't wear clothes like everyone else. I thought maybe he was an animal or naked. Perhaps 'like everyone else's'? And the transition to last night could be smoother. Enjoyed the EWW.
ReplyDeleteStill love this and the voice, but I'm not a fan of Mom telling him to write down his self-defense ideas. It makes me think too much of "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" (didn't his mom convince him to write the diary?)
ReplyDeleteMuch fun :)
I wasn't hooked. Except for a lot of whining, nothing happened. Perhaps start with an opening that places this kid in the middle of being picked on and let him react. How he reacts will characterize who he is. And perhaps give him a bit of a backbone. EVen if he's deathly afraid of the bullies, perhaps he imagines all the things he'd like to do them. Let him show some defiance in one way or another. If all he does is feel sorry for himself, it will get old really quick.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I was hooked either. There are a lot of familiar Kid Nerd details here: dorky name, small, glasses, dragons. What's new? What's special about EWW? What new can you show us?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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