Wednesday, March 23, 2011

March Secret Agent #27

TITLE: Countless
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

He had found his prey at last. From across the room he took in every detail of her face, though he knew it well. The full lips, thin nose and most of all the deep green eyes. Green like a highland meadow or a piece of lustrous sea glass. His eyes traced the moon-pale curve of her calves, down to her black stilettos. She had raven hair this time, it cascaded down her back in loose curls.

Inhaling deeply, he tasted the air, savoring the moment. Countless years had led to this day. She was finally within his grasp. Right here before him, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was being hunted. From his vantage point near the revolving glass doors, he scanned the throngs of people in suits and skirts. They meant nothing to him - his every malevolent thought focused only on her. A smile curled his lips.

He slid into the crowd, an invisible presence to all those around, who knew not that evil walked among them. He passed to the left of the large mahogany reception desk, his target straight ahead. Only twenty feet separated them now. He moved forward with calm assuredness, closing the distance. Ten feet. He could smell her now, a soft fragrance of jasmine. Five feet.

Reaching out a thin hand, his fingertips touched one perfect obsidian curl. Taking a focused breath, he called on the dark magic that would end her existence, not only her body, her soul as well.

8 comments:

  1. I'm intrigued at the situation you've set up. I just read The Eternal Ones, so I'm wondering if this is a reincarnation story, or if 'this time' just means another disguise.

    A couple of commas threw me out of the story (I know, tiny and annoying nitpicks): 'She had raven hair this time, it cascaded down her back in loose curls.' Since this is two complete sentences, it needs either a comma and for/and/nor/but/or/yet or a semicolon. Or you could just say 'She had raven hair this time that cascaded down her back in loose curls.'

    And I think you could emphasize the threat of the last sentence by adding: 'that would end her existence, not only IN her body, BUT IN her soul as well.'

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really enjoyed this. My chief concern is I felt a little like the voice shifted in formality from the beginning of the passage to the end. Not a lot but just a little bit. It's probably just me though. I did think you got a little overly descriptive--a lot of adjectives, especially in the first paragraph. As for the ending, I disagree with Amy. I think it would lose its punch if you added to it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yikes! In a good way... I lurv the sense of evil foreboding you've created, and the sneaky devil about to get her.

    Although I bet she kicks his a** :D good stuff! Best~ <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. I did get slowed down a bit by description in the first paragraph, but only at the eyes. (Green like a highland meadow or a piece of lustrous sea glass.) Maybe just one comparison would be enough. ( I personally like the sea glass. :)

    Slowed down, I say, but not stopped. And I would consider this a nit-picky statement on my part.

    I'm intrigued and I would read on. I like the title. (Especially if the story is about reincarnation.)

    Nice writing!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I wouldn't normally read this genre, but you have totally hooked me. I love the descriptive passages (I'm with Lisa, the sea glass description is beautiful). This passage is especially nice, "...who knew not that evil walked among them."
    Well done and good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't read this genre but I really enjoyed this and am definitely hooked. Near seamless writing, imo. A few suggestions:
    -She had raven hair this time, it cascaded down her back in loose curls. <<What you have here is a comma splice. A semicolon is called for, or at least a period
    -Perhaps think about revising the second to last para so there aren't so many sentences starting with 'he'.
    Overall a great read. Thanks for sharing and good luck :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. You've created a nice mood here. The evil//creepy feel comes through. And I liked the two comparison's of the eyes in the first graph. I thought it read better with the two than with just one.

    The issue I saw is that the MC thinks of himself as evil, so he's not just a hired assassin out to complete a mission, who happens to fall in love with his prey. He's evil, and it seems, if he is, he's not going to be thinking about her beauty, he's going to be thinking about how he's going to do her in and the pleasure it will bring him. In other words, he's not behaving like an evil person or demon. You've given him human and humane qualities which, for me, says while he may be a bad guy, he's not really evil. The solution, I think, is to cut the line that evil walked among them. Or make him truly evil.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The tension here is good, and the sense of evil slathered on thick. Nicely done. But I felt at times some of the descriptions were over-written. Savoring the air. A smile and a curled lip. Green highland meadow. Perfect obsidian curl. This could just be my tastes, but it felt familiar and I was waiting to be surprised by something new. But the atmosphere and tension were really well established.

    ReplyDelete