Wednesday, March 23, 2011

March Secret Agent #30

GENRE: Urban Fantasy

This was their meeting place: twenty five marble windows gathered in a circle, connected and supported by twenty five marble latticed beams. Only the leader stood between the bright white, stone walls now. He glanced at each image carved below the arched frames as a strange, cold fear crept into him.

The wind hissed as another arrived and it left the leader chilled further for he knew the news would not be good.

He did not turn, only spoke. "Why must you always use the wind, Akakios? It is not your purpose here. Find the water Haurvatat left, and use it."

"I find freedom with the wind that I do not feel with water."


"Yes. You must practice water with me again." The leader inclined his head and Akakios' deep voice continued. "Our enemy moves with purpose."

"What is he after...and he is our comrade, not our enemy, Akakios."

"I am uncertain of his plan, but we can be assured that it complicates our stay here. Furthermore, if it is sinister, as is seems, does that not make him our enemy?"

"Perhaps. What is he doing, beyond the normal?"

"He torments many lands."

"Is it time to step in and enforce the covenants?" The leader wondered aloud.

Akakios remained silent.

"Have Selene keep an eye on it; she knows him best and can use the wind for stealth. Also, Akakios, I have my eye on the two of you. You cannot break your bond to her, my brother, or there will be... repercussions."


  1. I'm assuming this is the gods talking. mysterious beginning...i wonder where it goes from here.

  2. This was odd for me. It's listed as urban fantasy, but nothing about it feels like urban fantasy. (Fantasy yes, but not UF.) One of the key factors about UF is for the reader to feel grounded in reality even with all kinds of unreal things going on. This didn't do that for me.

    If it is the gods in another realm, that might explain it, but if I saw this advertised as UF, picked it up off the shelf, and read this page, I'd assume it had been mis-shelved.

    Moving away from the genre issue, it's a lot of conversation without much else. And while the conversation is interesting and gets to a bit of the plot, I want more of a sense of these characters and where they are.

  3. interesting. It felt sort of American Indian to me... I don't know. Nice writing. Best of luck~ :o)

  4. It would work better if you start the story with the paragraph that says, "He did not turn." Something to the effect that the leader did not turn amidst the marble circle.
    This is too early for a lot of back-and-forth dialog. Intersperse bell-ringing details of their surroundings as they speak. Right now, they're just two talking heads.

  5. I like how you opened with a brief description of the meeting place! This is very mysterious and left me with questions that I would read on to answer :)

  6. this is the real beginning of a book, i don't think all the others are. I am imagining a ender's game type thing here, yanno the conversation between two unknows, that's how it all begins there.
    regardless the writing is tight and plot threads are already reviled, but with out the flash some think is necessary.
    I want to know how this is pulled into the real world. Also, the title is killer. Really draws you in.

  7. I liked the first paragraph, which is really surprising for me... because normally location descriptions fall short as a hook for me. And yet, this definitely piqued my interest. That said, I was a little confused at where we were once the story got going. Someone else mentioned it didn't read like UF, but normal Fantasy, and I'll second that.

    I'm not sure what's going on. Flesh out the characters a bit more in their dialog. I'm easily distracted and I got a little lost on who's speaking.

    Sadie Hart

  8. This may work if it's a prologue, but if it's not, it would seem the leader is your MC (although it really doesn't feel like he is) and you haven't even named him.

    I thought the opening paragraph was confusing. Marble windows? And are they in a building or in a stonehenge type area where windows fill the spaces between the marble monoliths?

    The wind hissed as another arrived - this says another wind arrived and was hissed at by the original wind. I know you mean another person arrived, but that isn't what you wrote.

    I thought the dialogue worked well, particularly if it's a prologue. If it's not a prologue, this may not be the place to start as there doesn't seem to be enough here to pull me in. As a prologue, it seems to have that touch of mystery that a prologue often has.

    And - Selene keeping an eye on 'it.' Should it be 'him?'

  9. I agree with another's comment that this didn't quite feel like UF, but more like epic fantasy. And also, that this felt more like a prologue. I was a little confused that the leader was talking to the wind. A second read cleared that up, but I just felt a little lost. Epic fantasy (or epic feeling fantasy) is not my thing, so I would leave this to another agent who's more appropriate.