No one noticed at first. For a long second, I was the only one who knew my life had screeched to a halt. But a second, no matter how long it may stretch on, was only a second, and one by one, my classmates realized something was wrong.
I think that's when I swore. I hadn't meant to, but it slipped out. It must have seemed somewhat ironic to see me, swearing. My appearance could have landed me on the front of a cheesy Christmas card, complete with a halo and harp; not in the back row of my Biology classroom, swearing.
The accidental electrocution hadn't hurt, but that was because I'd shifted my appearance, revealing exactly what I was. A Sary. Most people confuse us with guarding angels, but that's far from what we are, despite the having-wings thing. Currently mine ached from being pulled so tightly against my back, trying to hide them from the rest of my class.
"Gabby?" Beatrice asked. Her voice trembled and caught on the two syllables. She met my eyes for a second before quickly looking away.
The one friend I'd had outside of work for a century was now going to hate me forever. I didn't blame her—all I'd ever been able to tell her were lies, which I was sure she was piecing together.
Interesting.... YA isn't my usual genre but I like the immediate conflict.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit confused by whether her classmates noticed her swearing or her wings, actually. I'm mildly intrigues and I love fantasy, so I'd turn the page, but some editing might be necessary to get me going after that. Good luck with it, though! (grin)
ReplyDeleteUgh--I misspelled "intrigues." Talk about needing editing! My apologies.
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteI found this slightly entertaining, and want to find out whether her friends reject her (as she believes) or accept her. And how her life will change now.
I think that because of the swearing and electrocution I was under the impression that the MC was a boy until we learned her name. The immediate conflict got me though, so this on is a yes.
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
ReplyDeleteWhy maybe? It's very, very interesting. But I was confused as heck... were her classmates seeing her dead? Alive? In her true form? I didn't understand.
But despite that, the character shows promise and the story looks fun.
"But a second, no matter how long it may stretch on, was only a second"
Loved that bit, don't loose it.
Well, it's different! I would read on, to find out what the heck was going on. So yes, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteAs some other comments have mentioned, the whole opening scene is a little confusing. It feels a bit like the story got a little out of the writer's control here.
But the thing is, your idea is so compelling that I want to know what happens. Especially, since your writing is quite good--this scene just needs to be tightened.
This hooked me. There first paragraph made me want to read on, and then I wanted to know more about this girl who is really a Sary and has lived over a century already.
ReplyDeleteYes. I think these are the sentences to reassess in clarifying what it is her classmates see: It must have seemed somewhat ironic to see me, swearing. My appearance could have landed me on the front of a cheesy Christmas card, complete with a halo and harp; not in the back row of my Biology classroom, swearing. But on the whole you establish very quickly a character, a problem, and a point of conflict.
ReplyDeleteYes, if you can clarify a few things. I didn't understand how Gabby (lol, Gabriel?) was suddenly revealed--what electrocuted him? And did the classmates notice his wings or his swearing?
ReplyDeleteI was confused on a few things, but overall I would read on--I like the voice and the immediate conflict and I dig things with wings. B-)
Good luck!
~Merc
I liked it, I would say YES.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a problem picturing the girl. I wanted to know more about her. Was she the only one in the class that was "not normal"? Why was she in a biology class if she was, in fact, at the very least a century old? Intriguing.
:) Terri
Yes ... with a word of caution.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the paragraph about accidental electrocution and shifting appearance. Does she change appearance so the electrocution won't hurt? Or does being electrocuted force her to change? How does she get electrocuted in the first place?
Otherwise, I like it. Fascinating premise and great voice. The genre also attracts me.
Yes. I loved it. I do agree that a few small things need to be fixed, but only small things and they've all been previously mentioned.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this, hopefully the rest of the book is consistent with this quality.
Maybe. There's too much extrapolation before finally identifying what the conflict was. I also noted a few weak grammar points.
ReplyDeleteYes and no. A bit confusing, as others have said. I'm curious as to what happened that caused everyone to sense something was wrong. But I'm frustrated that you haven't gotten there yet. Ooh, I don't know. But I think I'll say: Pass.
ReplyDeleteYes, it intrigued me. I had to wonder why she walked away leaving her body behind.
ReplyDeleteHmmm
Yeah, that's a yes. I'd have to see more.
I'd probably keep reading. I'm interested to read more about the "sary" but I was confused by the opening. At first I truly thought she was dying.
ReplyDeleteI think the voice is good. I like the little bits of humor, like the greeting card, for instance. And I like the idea of her working. Like as an angel? That might be fun to read.
Yes!
ReplyDeleteBut I did think she's /died/ in the first paragraph. And I think the first two sentences repeat each other - I'd ditch the first.
There are a few desriptivey bits that need tightening, but great voice/character/plot, so yes :)
I was a bit confused in the paragraph revealing Gabby's an angel-like being, but other than that a definite yes.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked. (don't like fantasy)
ReplyDeleteIt's different...well the idea isn't new to me...but it's told from a unique perspective.
I was a little confused as to the reactions of everyone involved. Are Saries common-place in this world? Otherwise, I'd expect a little more freaking out. Did they notice the wings or not?
Overall, it was well-written, and flowed nicely.
Er... no.
ReplyDeleteI think part of this is because most "angel stories" bug me. %-)
Um... I do like the concept here (as long as I don't think of him as an angel), but I wanted a hint as to how he wasn't at all like a guardian angel.
Without that info, I'm somewhat thinking about those things in Japanese manga... people who committed suicide or whatever who had to pay the debt of their since by serving as those angel things who go around retrieving the souls of people who are dying.
I still have a hangup re/angels, but if I didn't, I probably would read on (if you inserted a teeny tiny explanation somewhere re/Sary).
Hooked? I'd have to go with a soft yes. I do like the premise of the angels classroom. Not to mention one that cusses. That is interesting.
ReplyDeleteThese lines stood out for me:
"I hadn't meant to, but it slipped out. It must have seemed somewhat ironic to see me, swearing."
'I hadn't meant to' is passive. 'I didn't mean to' would work better in my opinion.
'It must have seemed somewhat ironic to see me, swearing' I would lose the comma.
I think this has potential.
Maybe. I was a little confused and had to read it twice, but if this was edited a little more, then I would continue,
ReplyDelete-Ghostgirl