GENRE: YA paranormal
Miranda’s head ached. There had been a car...with blazing lights and screeching tires. But what had happened?
“Mir…anda?” A man’s voice faded in and out, like a badly tuned radio. Was she dreaming? “Miranda, can you hear me?”
The voice was clearer now, nearby. She opened her eyes, and the fronds on the Florida palm trees fluttered in the wind. Something was burning…rubber?
“Can you tell me your last name?”
“Mont– ” Her tongue wouldn’t move. She swallowed. “Mont...gom...ery.”
“Good. Can you sit up?”
She tried to sit up, but everything started to spin.
“Take it easy,” said the voice. “Breathe slow and deep.”
Miranda took a slow, deep breath, then exhaled. Her head cleared, and strong hands gently lifted her to a sitting position. She was in a crosswalk at a four-way stop.
A balding man in a brown suit smiled at her. “I’m Jacob Taylor, your school counselor. How are you feeling?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“Good.” Mr. Taylor pulled a cell phone from his jacket. “Do you know what happened?”
She shook her head.
“You were almost hit by a car.” He pointed at the two long tire marks stretching into the oncoming lane.
The tracks seemed wider than usual, as if they’d been smeared by something. But what?
“I remember now. I tried to move out of the way, but couldn’t. I just stood there like an idiot. Then I...”
“Passed out.”
“Passed out?” Miranda groaned. At least Nate hadn’t seen. She’d never live that down.
I'm amused that her first thought is that she'd be embarassed if Nate knew she passed out.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading
Yes, you hooked me. I really want to find out if this was an accident or intentional. The only thing that threw me a bit was the school counselor introducing himself. I knew everyone who worked in my school. Maybe if you said school district counselor? (Small, small point, I know. and maybe it's just me.) I'd keep reading! Good start!
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteLots of action to satisfy my appetite. And, a female main character :) Usually a good hook for me!
The school counselor introduction sounded odd to me. I'd think she would know that. I also wasn't wild about repeating slow and deep. It sounds like it could be interesting but as far as hooking me, I'm going with no.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I would buy this or not if I picked it up in the book store. A little off putting with the slow and deep - it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the prose.
ReplyDeleteI'm in.
ReplyDeleteJust ditch the "But what?" You've already got us wondering why the tire marks are so wide and the question comes off as your 'writers voice' intruding on the story.
Otherwise great!
Yes.
ReplyDelete"The tracks seemed wider...smeared by something. But what?"
This made no sense to me. The tracks spread apart? Were fat? Were smudged like charcoal? I didn't get it.
Otherwise, fun, and the last sentence hooked me good. That's when her personality came alive and summoned my interest.
Hmm, a Yes with caveat. I'd read a few more pages because I want to know what's going on (also, I read the school counselor as being so not really her school counselor but someone taking advantage of her disorientation and I'd want to see if that was right!) but this isn't the grabbiest opener ever. Would be tough to make it more so, honestly--poor girl just got knocked out, I assume by nefarious forces, and that curiousity would keep me going.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence, but I'll give you a yes for the last two lines. ;)
ReplyDeleteI was wary about the opening becuase it sounds like she's waking up *sets hair on fire* (and yes, I think regaining her senses from passing out counts) but the writing is smooth and the hints of a car (maybe an accident) pulled me to read on.
The last two lines were what really hooked me. She's more embarrassed about what a boy things than realizing she almost got squashed. :P I liked that, so once I got over the iffy opening, I'd read on.
Good luck,
~Merc
I thought it had the great hook of the accident. If I didn't read on it would be because of personal taste.
ReplyDeleteYes, at least for a few pages.
ReplyDeleteI want to know more about what happened to Miranda and what her school counselor had to do with saving her. I'm also curious about whether he's being truthful with her. Wouldn't she know him? Or at least recognize his appearance?
The writing is tight and Miranda has a good voice. I'd keep reading long enough to see if the paranormal elements grab me.
I'd say Yes, and ditto on the question abotu why the school councilor introduces himself.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm hooked. There's enough questions in this opener to make me wonder whether the accident was just that, or whether there was something more involved. I also like Miranda's voice, too. It was easy to read and realistic.
ReplyDeleteSorry, no. The elipses bugged me (I know: nitpick): they weren't spaced properly (to my understanding) and there were lots of them (something I need to work on in my own writing.) Overall, it just didn't grab my attention.
ReplyDeleteA bit 'meh' about this one. I'd probably read on because this is such a short snippet to judge a book by - especially if the blurb's interesting.
ReplyDeleteBut as an opening, in and of itself... It's a bit bland.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteYou've hooked me into wanting to know what this really an accident or something intentional.
MLF
I'm a bit iffy, but willing to read more. The school counselor felt really random, as far as people to be in the middle of the street with a student... and the smeared tires made no sense to me so I couldn't picture thm, but I loved the ending line where she's more worried about her crush thinking she's weak then almost getting run over.
ReplyDeleteCautiously Hooked.
ReplyDeleteJudging by the genre, I assume this isn't a normal incident. I want to know what has happened. I like the fact that there is action right away.
Aside from the last line, the MC's personality didn't come through strong enough. This feels much shorter than 250 and I'd read on because of that.
Ys, I'm hooked, even though I'm a biased party. I like the MC and her thoughts about being embarassed, very teen like. I was intriqued by the mystery aspect, too, and wondered what the paranormal element would be. I agree with many of the posts about the school counselor part. Wouldn't she know him? Other than that, strong writing, and I would read on.:)
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeletePart of that is because of your strong writing here, and partly because I'm cheating. I enjoyed reading this novel<:
Katie - LOL!! Thanks. I didn't think anyone would recognize my story, except perhaps J.Tuttle. I'm flattered you remembered it. :)
ReplyDeleteHooked? Moderately.
ReplyDeleteI would think that she would probably know her school counselor (unless it was the first day).
"A balding man in a brown suit smiled at her. “I’m Jacob Taylor, your school counselor. How are you feeling?” "
My take on it:
The school counselor, Mr. Taylor, a balding man in a brown suit smiled at her. "How are you feeling?"
I am interested in what the tires had on them. I too liked how she was more worried about the boy knowing she passed out than nearly getting squarshed.
Yes, I'd read on. I know something isn't quite right, the genre and Miranda.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. *Sheepishly admits that she already read this novel in the archives.* It's a great story that deserves to be published, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm intrigued, although I do have a funny bias. I wouldn't pick this up off the shelf if I knew it started with an accident. (sheepish grin) I just hate having bad news open a book, you know? I guess it's a pet peeve.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I do like this. I hope she's okay, and I'd read on--at least for a bit--to find out if she is. Oh, and to see who Nate was, of course. (grin)
-AMY-
Well, I thought I posted earlier, but it's not showing up, so let's try this again! (grin)
ReplyDeleteUsually, if I know a book starts with an accident scene, I won't read it. Call it personal bias, but I don't like starting with bad news.
However, you seem to have enough here to pull me past that, and the MC seems like she'll be okay. (grin)
And I gotta admit I'm curious about Nate!
Color me hooked. (grin)
-AMY-
Sorry--too much of me!! I thought I posted earlier. (sigh)
ReplyDelete-AMY-
I really liked this and I'm definitely hooked.
ReplyDelete