Genre: Paranormal Thriller
Title: Quatrain
The sharp scent of turpentine jerked Dana Sinclair out of her trance. Almond shaped eyes flew open and she sucked in a lungful of air. Damp, black hair stuck to her cheek with the sweat that ran down her face and neck. Smears of red and yellow covered her hands, the can of spirits in one, a long handled black sable oil brush in the other.
It had happened again.
One bare foot touched the floor and she slowly swiveled around to face a canvas. The canvas she’d prepared yesterday so it would be ready for a new painting. She'd envisioned a misty early morning forest scene with a still pond. All blues and greens and grays with a play of light and shadow.
Not this painting.
There was strength in the swaths of bold color, subtle emphasis in the shading, and implied detail in the sparse lines. A complete departure from her moody landscapes that had received critical acclaim. Some of the best work she’d ever done.
She had no memory of having painted a single stroke.
The scene was simple yet intense. An Asian man in a bright yellow kimono, head turned to look over his shoulder. Dark eyes invited the viewer to follow him. Blood trickled from his temple onto his kimono, leaving a trail to the lower right corner of the canvas. His left hand clutched a sheaf of papers. The writing on the papers was illegible except for the heading.
I find the situation intriguing--having created this work of art and having no idea how it got there, as if someone's snatched her mind away and painted it. I'd read on, certainly.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that did throw me out, however, was the point of view. If we're in her head, which we seem to be for most of the scene, it seems a little odd to describe her opening her almond-shaped eyes--from her POV she can't actually see them. Stay in her head/from what she can sense herself, and it will be all the more focused. Nice selection!
Real people do not think about their almond shaped eyes- that's a break from her POV and it jars me right out.
ReplyDeleteAside from the POV breaks I like this and would keep reading.
Yes, I want to keep reading, but I have to agree re: the POV breaks. Too many of those would stop me wanting to read on.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need the "had" in "It had happened again." I've heard--over and over and over again!!--that you should avoid the "h" word whenever possible. I don't think you really need it here.
ReplyDeleteI really like the story, though, and the idea of getting sucked into your work is one I identify with and find intriguing. I'd totally keep reading!! (grin)
I would read more based on the story presented, but agree that the POV is an issue.
ReplyDeleteYes. I nearly veered away because of the paranormal genre, but I gave it ago, found it a little creepy.
ReplyDeleteThe Asian elements appealed to me. I'm wondering whether he is a spirit trying to contact her about a mystery that needs solving in Asia, how he is linked to her, what her power is - so many question!
I'm feeling a little dense this morning, but her foot touching the floor made it sound like she was levitating previously or painting on one foot. Other than that distraction and the eyes that have been mentioned, I did like what was going on here so I'd keep reading. So I guess that make it a yes.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked on this one. I'm too disoriented at the start: I wouldn't think a smell of turpentine would jerk her out of a trance if the smell had been present for some time (as it would be if she was painting). I have nothing to root myself in before being jerked out of my comfort zone. "One bare foot touched the floor" also threw me. Where was her foot before? More frames of reference needed.
ReplyDeleteI was stopped by the point of view problem. People don't think of their own eyes as almond shaped or make mention of their own hair colour.
ReplyDeleteWhy not start with "It had happened again".
I agree with melusine. I think you should start with "It had happened again." The character description at the very beginning is unneccesary and makes it too easy for the reader to just scan the page or stop reading all together. It's quite interesting though!
ReplyDeleteEmily H
No.
ReplyDeleteThe situation is very intriguing. The writing is far too descriptive and this causes the pace to drag along.
I had trouble getting immersed in the scene because there was so much of it to digest.
Not for Wulfish minds :(
The first paragraph didn't hook me, but I'll admit that the first thing I saw were the two italicized sentences, and THEY made me start reading this. I think this has promise, since we're starting right after something unique (well, unique to her, at least) and you get right into the action and the painting. I'm guessing the heading of the papers in the painting is important. Too bad it didn't fit into the first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion is that this could grab me even more if you start with "It had happened again." It would hook me from the first line instead of making me wait until after the first (ordinary, slightly dully) paragraph was over.
So, yes, I am hooked enough to at least turn the page, though I think you could do even better by some simply rearranging.
No.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the "waking up" opening, even if you call it a trance, and the description of the character from her POV is highly distracting and feels unnatural to me. (And in the opening? Sorry, I really do not CARE what color her eyes and hair is at this point.)
Second, while the idea of her painting something and not remembering doing it is mildly interesting, nothing specifically grabbed me about it.
It has potential, but right now, I'm just not hooked or intrigued enough to read on.
Good luck.
~Merc
I love it. I would absolutely keep reading it. I didn't mind the POV breaks, but I can see how it would bother some people.
ReplyDeleteAs I said, I loved the whole first page. Good luck with getting this published and if you ever need an opinion on the rest, I'd be happy to read it.
Thank you, everyone who commented. It's an incredible help. I knew something wasn't really working and you gave me a lot of helpful feedback that I can use.
ReplyDeleteAs for the heading, it should have fit within the 250 word range. Word puts the word count at 247 with the heading, which was this:
Quatrain 7:83
Again, thanks to everyone!
Elizabeth W.
Not what I normally read, but YES, it hooked me. It made me want to know more. What was the heading on the paper? Who was the man in the painting? How many times has this happened? What else had she painted?
ReplyDelete:) Terri
Yes, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteBesides liking the genre, the premise seems interesting. I want to know more about the trances and the man in the painting. The descriptions are detailed without being boring. The pace moves fast enough for me.
I'd caution against slipping out of Dana's viewpoint. Most people don't think about the shape of their eyes and the color of their hair, for example. Other than that nitpick, quite nice. I like it.
Yes, I'm intrigued. Ditto on the POV thing, and also watch for passive voice-- there's a lot of "had"s in here.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot! It is so hard to have an opening that tells genre and setting while revealing the character. I think this author did it. POV problems, yes, a couple--easily fixed.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hooked until you said that she didn't remember painting a single stroke. Maybe you could bump this up a little by removing some of the descriptions (i.e., the aforementioned "almond-shaped eyes"). But I'd say "Yes": I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. You don't need as many details about Dana (that first paragraph) as we really do get what is important about her--she's a painter and things have gone megawacky for her, and you convey it really nicely. I'm going yes.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely read on. I do think you stretch POV a little, but the hook is strong enough I don't care. I want to know more.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteOutside of the POV slip and a bit of tightening this needs, the premise intrigued me.
I asked myself why.
I'd cut the first para completely and start at 'It had happened again', but otherwise yes.
ReplyDeleteEh... Sort of.
ReplyDeleteI really don't like how you open up with a description on Dana. Go straight into the action; the physical description of the MC can come later.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is interesting. A painter unwittingly painting mysterious paintings. I want to know what this painting means, what the other paintings were, and where all this will lead.
The thoughts in the italics were a little weird for me. They didn't read quite like thoughts, but like narration.
Thought:
It's happened again (versus 'it had happened)
Narration:
Not this painting (versus 'this isn't my paining')
I'd nix the self-description details in the opener. As it moves on, the writing becomes stronger and the voice more confident. I'd read on...it's definitely the kind of literary fantasy that appeals to me.
ReplyDeleteHooked? I think so.
ReplyDeleteThe POV things stood out at me right off. The MC doesn't have the ability to see their own face, (unless they are parked in front of a mirror for the whole story), so the description of her eyes takes us out of her head. The colors on her hands are fine, because she can see them.
The new painting is intriguing, especially because she doesn't recall painting it.
It may lean a little too much to the descriptive side. Sometimes description gets n the way. Here it only stands out a little.
Overall quite good.
Hmmmm... Could be I'm just in a tough mood today (grain of salt here), but I got turned off by so much physical description in the first paragraph.
ReplyDelete