TITLE: MY BIG FAT MOUTH
GENRE: YOUNG ADULT/TWEEN
When you're sitting in a dentist chair with a drill pressed to your mouth, the last thing you want to hear is, "Uh oh. Page Dr. Carter. STAT!"
As if I'm flatlining on an operating table, my guts splayed open for the peanut gallery watching the surgery.
But this is just a normal dental check up. Isn't it?
The doctors peer into my mouth, poking and prodding me like I'm in an alien abduction.
I try to scream but instead it comes out like a constipated groan. They don't even notice.. The drill blocks the sound.
Instead, I make my eyes as wide as possible. As a drama kid, I learned very early how to make my face get the exact effect I need. I distract the dentists with tears. Crying on cue? My specialty. Dentists mirroring my own wide-eyed expression? My worst fear.
Dr. Carter pulls back, tapping his bottom lip with his index finger. "They're going to have to come out."
I know I'm at the dentist, but I hope they aren't talking about my teeth. I'm too young for dentures. I'm only fifteen! I know all of Hollywood has veneers, but I slaved through three and a half years of braces just so my pearly whites can be my own. Aside from acting, I'm not into anything fake. I'm real, and I’d like
to stay that way.
Okay, first of all, I'm hooked because after all, a dental emergency isn't how books often start. I feel for the kid in the chair, trapped with an open mouth, and I want to know just what's up with the teeth.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how it goes on, but the one thing I'd say is to make sure that things keep happening from here on out. (Ie, if it goes on into lengths of back story right now it won't hold my interest as much as if stuff keeps happening with the same chatty voice.)
Yes. I want to find out why the dentist says "STAT!" I like the humor, the action, and I connect with the main character. I agree with olmue. You have the right amount of backstory, but when I turn the page I would want more action.
ReplyDeleteI think this interesting and probably right for the genre but not right for me. I'd pass because I just don't care enough about teenagers. My daughter might like it though.
ReplyDeleteAnd the opening is amusing, I like the humor.
I'm intrigued. I think there are a few spots you could kick up a little more specificity (instead of "as a drama kid", I'd like something more specific, maybe alluding to the shows she's done or something that gives us more insight into her in a very concise package) but overall I'm not going to nitpick--I'd keep reading this.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteThe opening line had me giggling away. I enjoy the style, and definitely would want to read on.
I like the humor here. I'm going with yes.
ReplyDeleteI like the humour. I would read on. As long as it doesn't tail off and things keep happening.
ReplyDeleteYES!. I really like this and would keep reading. I haven't read a single book that started this way and I want to know more about the dental emergency (because what kind of problem needs a dentist paged STAT?)
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Emily H
Yes.
ReplyDeleteUnique, fun voice, creative.
The writing is a bit choppy and I ended up re-reading more sentences than I'd like, but otherwise a hit.
Oh dear... yes, yes, YES! :D
ReplyDeleteI loved it. It was a bit choppy and confusing in places--I had trouble figuring out if the call actually came through the PA system or if she's imagining it, and the comment about being on an operating table with her guts hanging out (while a lovely image %-)) seemed so... random and I didn't see how it meshes with the rest.
However. The voice is awesome. And you start with a dentist appointment that seems to be going downhill--I have such sympathy for that and I immediately love the MC.
It needs a bit of polishing, but I would most definitely read on!
~Merc
I agree with Merc here. I liked it (not loved it) but the guts hanging out was definitely an obscure image. It both worked and didn't. I'd say it might confuse some readers as to whether or not the character is actually in a dentist chair or surgery until the next few sentences hit. It'll be short lived, but do you really want to confuse the readers like that?
ReplyDeleteVery unique opening, I agree. And I love the voice. I would have pegged her for 12-13 though.
ReplyDeleteA definite yes.
ReplyDeleteWonderful voice, and I love the touches of humor. The protagonist feels interesting and rounded. In a short space, I know enough about her to care about what happens next. Great job hooking me!
I thought the voice was strong, and the MC is funny. I liked how it started out in a dentists office, and we all know how unnerving that is, then to have an emergency on top of it! I would have thought younger than 15, too. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd say Yes, but watch out for realism issues. There's a definite difference between Doctor and Dentist (nor would a dentist or dental hygenist call out "Stat"-- that's strictly a hopsital term) Nor would they page a dentist as most practices are small enough to just call for the dentist down the hallway or in the front office.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Lori on the realism issues.
ReplyDeleteYour Voice is strong and the humor is good, though. But I still don't know what's going on. I might keep reading to find out, but it would largely depend on what the book summary said.
I might keep reading (but, like tabitha said, it would depend on the summary.) Good humor. I like "constipated groan", lol. I don't normally like the narrator describing things as they're happening, but for your target audience, I'd say this is good.
ReplyDeleteYup. Definitely hooked. Nice narrative tone and I get a sense of character.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the MC. He/she has a very strong voice that kept me engaged. I like the humor as well.
The 'doctor' thing did stick out when I read it, as others have mentioned.
Otherwise, very good start.
The doctor thing is fine, you don't call your dentist--Dentist Smith, do you? You call him "Doctor Smith."
ReplyDeleteBut I don't understand why his guts are splayed out at the Dentist?
And if his guts are splayed why he would be awake for it...confused on that bit.
I am totally traumatized. Great job.
ReplyDeleteHooked? Tentative yes.
ReplyDeleteAlthough some have commented on the humorous way of describing things, for me that got in the way.
Also the tense of the piece detracted from the overall experience for me. I am not a fan of play by play first person.
For example: "Dr. Carter pulls back..." written as "Dr. Carter pulled back..." works much better for me.
As far as calling him "Doctor", I have a neighbor who is a dental assistant and she calls the dentist "doctor" all the time.
Good, fresh, young-sounding voice. Enough red flags that it could go either way. I got confused more than I like on a first page. It seemed like his dentist called for another doctor,(Uh oh. Page Dr Carter STAT) yet keep drilling? But then it's Dr. Carter who's looking in his mouth? Or maybe his own dentist paged Dr Carter before the scene started, and now both dentists are looking into his mouth? Maybe that's it... but I don't like to work that hard just to make sure I understand the basic scene.
ReplyDeleteI would refrain from deciding until I'd read a few more pages. But clearly the writer has a gift for creating a neat voice.
Heh... could be I've spent too much time at the dentist in my life, but they generally don't have paging systems.
ReplyDeleteAnd wouldn't the dentist have been the one drilling into the character's mouth?
Dental checkup <- Why not teeth cleaning? And there would be no drills involved. They generally do the nasty picking thing instead, and then grind at your teeth with a polisher.
And I always thought veneers are just a thin cap that goes right over your real teeth.
And the dentist would be wearing a mask over the lower half of his face so the character wouldn't have seen him tapping his lip.
I like the concept of the novel starting in a dentist chair (akin to starting off with the main character in danger), but the scene needed a little more work, imo...
Voice is good, but the subject matter just doesn't hook me, sorry.
ReplyDelete