Abby Ray has a problem! Something is growing in her and on her. It's making her more ornery by the minute. Her only hope is to get rid of her Mean Freckle. If she doesn't, she will be doomed!
This sounds like a really fun concept! I think the only thing I might suggest is to flesh out the last sentence - tell us why/how she's doomed and I'll be totally hooked :)
I like the idea of a Mean Freckle, but want to know more about what it means. Why will she be doomed? Also, be careful with the exclamation points. I think you could cut the one on the first sentence.
I love the voice of this one. Nice Job, but I do agree with the others that it needs to be more specific. What is the mean freckle doing? What does it mean that she's doomed?
I think you could cut the first sentence... a protagonist having a problem is fairly universal, after all. :) I also agree that you need to be more specific about what the Mean Freckle is doing.
What is doomed? Death? A life of orneriness? Be specific. How does this freckle change her life? Why can't she go to a dermatologist and have it removed? (Don't answer that question, but do make evident that it's not that easy to get rid of.) How big does it get? We need a bit more, I think.
I agree with everyone else about the exclamation points--you should probably get rid of both of them. I'm also in agreement about the last sentence. Because we don't know what being doomed implies for her, it's useless.
I like that "Mean Freckle" is capitalized; it's cute. I think you need more of a transition between your second and third sentences; the jump is a bit abrupt.
Great middle grade voice. :) I like the idea of this but it needs more...
I agree with the others above. How will Abby be doomed? Make the reader care about what happens to her. You can easily show this by telling us the consequences.
Sounds fun. I agree with losing the first sentence: Abby Ray has a Mean Freckle growing on her that makes her more ornery by the minute. If she doesn't get rid of it, (explain doomed). Good luck.bilist
Sounds like a fun read. Maybe just flesh out a little what the Mean Freckle does to her, how she proposes to get rid of it, and why it means she's doomed.
This sounds like a really fun concept! I think the only thing I might suggest is to flesh out the last sentence - tell us why/how she's doomed and I'll be totally hooked :)
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of a Mean Freckle, but want to know more about what it means. Why will she be doomed? Also, be careful with the exclamation points. I think you could cut the one on the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteGet rid of the exclamation marks. You do not need to yell your logline at anyone.
ReplyDeleteI also think you need to be more specific about what she will do to get rid of it as well as what "doomed" means.
Good luck!
Holly
I love the voice of this one. Nice Job, but I do agree with the others that it needs to be more specific. What is the mean freckle doing? What does it mean that she's doomed?
ReplyDeleteDitto for the above. Also, why is getting rid of the Mean Freckle her "only hope?"
ReplyDeleteBut cute premise and story line.
Good luck.
I think you could cut the first sentence... a protagonist having a problem is fairly universal, after all. :) I also agree that you need to be more specific about what the Mean Freckle is doing.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise; this strikes me, by the tone, as a great children's/MG story. I--like others--want to know what "doomed" means.
ReplyDeleteAbby's parents will sell her to gypsies? She'll lose all her friends? A mean witch will turn her into a toad?
What is doomed? Death? A life of orneriness? Be specific. How does this freckle change her life? Why can't she go to a dermatologist and have it removed? (Don't answer that question, but do make evident that it's not that easy to get rid of.) How big does it get? We need a bit more, I think.
ReplyDeleteCute. I think you can come up with a snappy one-liner for this.
ReplyDeleteSomething like:
Abby Ray sprouted a mean freckle that makes her (a specific funny problem) and if she doesn't get rid of it, she...specific hilarious consequences.
I thought "cancer" for the first two lines as written...
I agree with everyone else about the exclamation points--you should probably get rid of both of them. I'm also in agreement about the last sentence. Because we don't know what being doomed implies for her, it's useless.
ReplyDeleteI like that "Mean Freckle" is capitalized; it's cute. I think you need more of a transition between your second and third sentences; the jump is a bit abrupt.
Other than that, though, sounds neat!
Great voice and funny. Made me giggle.
ReplyDeleteNeed to know more about the consequences...
Great middle grade voice. :) I like the idea of this but it needs more...
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others above. How will Abby be doomed? Make the reader care about what happens to her. You can easily show this by telling us the consequences.
Nice start. Good luck with this. :)
Sounds fun. I agree with losing the first sentence: Abby Ray has a Mean Freckle growing on her that makes her more ornery by the minute. If she doesn't get rid of it, (explain doomed). Good luck.bilist
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun read. Maybe just flesh out a little what the Mean Freckle does to her, how she proposes to get rid of it, and why it means she's doomed.
ReplyDeleteCute tone & premise though a bit overdramatic. Agree with comment first line isn't necessary as it's implied.
ReplyDeleteCute. I liked it. Doomed seems a bit vague.
ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence.
I like the voice.
Actually, maybe doomed is okay for Middle Grade.
Good luck!