TITLE: Time Bound
GENRE: YA Fantasy
While visiting her grandmother in Japan, 16 year old Holly meets a Time Dragon trapped in a boy's body, and learns that her ancestor made a vow to help him escape from his centuries-old prison and rewrite time. There’s just one small problem - if Holly fulfills that promise, she might be erased from history herself.
Nice dilemma and conflict -- nice that this is set in a different country. I think that the line "...she might be erased from history herself" could be reworked because I think the "herself"is redundant but otherwise, I'm hooked. Good job!
ReplyDeleteLoved it! This is fantastic, and the hook would definitely make me want to read on. Agree with the above comment. Maybe put something like, "she might be erased from history...permanently." The herself does take the sting out of it a bit. Great, great job!
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
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ReplyDeleteFantastic logline and premise. Change 'made a vow' to just 'vowed'. Voice is great too. Not much to say with this one. Good job.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so your setup is fine except that it is not inciting Holly to act and it needs to do this. Why does she decide that she must fulfill this vow?
ReplyDeleteAfter that, we need more concrete conflicts. "she might be erased from history itself" to me means that she might die (or cease to have ever existed) but these are the consequences of her quest, not the conflicts. What happens to make it difficult for her to succeed? Why does she need to?
Good luck!
Holly
I think this sounds like a great story that I would want to read. As for the logline, I would make it clear that Holly has to fulfull the vow and make it clear that she will have never existed if she fulfills it. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteInteresting & different. I know it's hard to condense your whole story into a log line, but I would like to know why she feels compeled to risk being erased. Is the vow the only reason? ;-)
ReplyDelete"compelled" (giggles)
ReplyDeleteI love this, and would totally read this book! Nice job.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused; although, I like the idea.
In these few words, five characters are introduced: Holy, her grandmother, a time dragon, a boy, and Holly's ancestor.
I suppose that the boy's body is the centuries old prison?
I think that the comma between body and learns needs to be deleted.
The story sounds like a fun fantasy.
Good luck!
Would keep reading!
ReplyDeleteGreat stakes and premise.
ReplyDeleteI think that supernatural concepts like a Time Dragon need to be explained if we're going to vest any interest in them.
We don't necessarily need to know it has a cool name, so it could just be described. For instance:
16 year old Holly meets a [dragon with the power to control time|a dragon with the ability to fly into the past|etc] trapped in a...
Great work :)
The vow was made by Holly's ancestor. Tell us why Holly feels compelled to make it her own quest. WHy does she take it on? It needs motivation, I think.
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps add what or who stands in her way. As is, there are no obstacles until she actually releases the dragon, and then she might be erased, so there's no conflict.
Or is the problem that she does set the dragon free and is erased, and the story is that she has to find her way back?
I love the premise of this, I think it sounds very exciting and different. Love it.
ReplyDeleteWow, I love the idea of this one.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to change anything (implying that I like it as is), I'd try looking at other motives for her actions other than fulfilling the family vow. Now if this is a case of saving the universe from a paradox, we really start to feel for your MC who might have to erase herself to keep the worlds from collapsing on her. Of course, it could be that the stakes aren't that high (I don't know without reading the book), but it would be nice to have a strong motive for why the MC is going to do something that could kill her.
Still, this is great, and I'd very much like to see more.
Sounds great! My only confusion came in that the Time Dragon is in a boy's body but is that the centuries-old prison? Or is the boy in a centuries-old prison? Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI loved it and wasn't confused at all.
ReplyDeleteI loved the premise and hook. It's what a logline should be.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Only question - why does Holly feel the need to honor a vow made by her ancestor if it will kill her? What will happen if she doesn't honor the vow?
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. It's a good length and you set out the stakes well. It should be '16-year-old' (i.e. add in hyphens) but apart from that I think this is good.
ReplyDelete