Thursday, March 3, 2011

Drop the Needle: REVELATION #7

GENRE: Urban Fantasy

His girlfriend's soul is the only thing holding the veil between Hell and Earth in place, but Jax can't stop at just rescuing her and leaves her with Lex for safekeeping while he searches for the man who orchestrated everything.

"Well," Lex said, his black wings framing him as he stood in the corridor. "I knew we'd be different. But this, this is certainly unexpected."

I shoved off the wall. "Tell me about it. Is she safe?"

"Oh c'mon, Jax. She's already dead. Angel feathers in cocaine, you have to admit it's genius. Get 'em high and let 'em die and not lift a finger to kill them."

"You," I laughed, "You're Morgan. Everything, Meredith, Aleaktra, the wings It was all you. And Nikki, where the f*** is she?" My sword found my hand, my fingers tightening with a death grip.

"Glad you're finally able to keep up," he quipped, hands flexing. "Turning Aleaktra was fun. Who knew you'd trade mortality for a tramp like that." He laughed. "Killing Meredith was a hard one. She played so well with Malachi. So repressed and angry, that one. I had high hopes for him but you spoiled those."

I lurched across the room. Lex's swords flared into existence. Mine met the V of his two blades with a clash, inches from his face.

"I always wondered if the Left and Right hand would clap when they met," he sneered and shoved me back. "Guess so."

"Where is she?"

"She's topside, but you'll never make it to her. Her soul's already knocking and when it rises, this place is coming down. There's no stopping it. Her and that little Nephilim abomination growing inside her are the glue holding the veil."


  1. I'm hooked :D I'd definitely read on. Love the premise.

  2. Lex and Jax? If you're reading quickly you could def get them mixed up. This is pretty good, but for some reason I'm not hooked. It just seems straight out of the super villain textbook: reveal plan, gloat, one liners... I don't know.

    Nice writing, though.

  3. I'm sure I would be a lot less confused if I wasn't dropped in the middle, but right now I'm a little confused. The paragraph that begins "Glad you're finally able to keep up" especially confused me. Once, again, I'm sure most of that would be fixed if I wasn't dropped in the middle. But the section where he's talking about Meredith playing well with Malachi and then the next sentence is "So repressed and angry, that one. I had high hopes for him..." That "him" completely threw me. I thought we were talking about Meredith. So I thought you were saying she was so repressed and angry.

  4. I'm confused also by all the names, but I'm pretty sure that just is coming from being dropped in the middle of things. I agree with Empress Awesome's comment about if feeling kind of classic super villain. I think that's because he's doing the whole "reveal the master plan" thing which is a little cliche.

  5. Interesting--I'm drawn to Lex's character right away.

    You have a few awkward phrases that drew me out of the story, though--"I shoved off the wall", "flared into existence", and is "angel feathers in cocaine" supposed to be a form of curse/exclamation? It's an awkward one.

  6. Really exciting boy fight! I really like your idea of angel feathers mixed in cocaine being able to destroy.

    You do seem to have a lot of characters though.

    Aside from that, I'd probably read on.

  7. I thought this was all just too predictable. The bad guy reveals his evil plan and everything else that has been going on just before the big fight. He's even got black wings to announce he's the bad guy. Not my cup of tea.

    On the other hand, you do follow the formula, which would make it perfect for a publisher who publishes formula fiction.

    I think this is one people will either love or hate.

  8. I agree that there are a lot of names and things being discussed in this scene. But, as we're being dropped in the middle of it all, that's not necessarily a fault.

    The tension of the scene was good, but I have to agree with Barbara that the baddie seemed a little too predictable in a 'mwhahaha, this-is-my-evil-plan' way.

  9. I'm very confused - but that's probably because I don't know what happened before.

    "Get 'em high and let 'em die" - You have some beautiful dialogue in this passage.

    "Left and Right hand" - Should those be capitalized?

    Like the last line.