TITLE: NOCTURNE
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Seventeen-year-old Gabriel Durante has to team up with a fashionista and the Angel of Death in order to kill the demon he’s served for seven years. Since they have less than a month to do so and demons are immortal, the three must quickly learn to trust each other and work together to achieve their mission...or die trying.
I think this is fantastic. Original premise, characters well established, great stakes. I would just make it more active..."Seventeen-year-old Gabriel Durante teams up with a fashinista and the Angel of Death to kill the demon..." And get rid of 'quickly' quickly :) Well done.
ReplyDeleteI am in LOVE with the opening sentence! The second sentence feels like it needs more punch, the "work together to achieve their mission or die trying" a little generic, in my opinion, considering the story sounds so fantastical...I love that the logline is short, so there is room to add a little, more description of the fashionistas, perhaps, or Gabriel himself.
ReplyDeleteSUPERB STUFF! GOOD LUCK N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!
WHY WHY WHY does he have to do this? You need to INCITE the action and as written, you are assuming that we know why he needs to do this. Without the why, we have no motivation and without the motivation, we have no stakes. For example, is this demon torturing him more than usual to the point where he has to kill him in order to stop it? Is the demon threatening to do something else...something that warrants his death all of a sudden?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This sounds like a fun read. I could be wrong, but wouldn't the Angel of Death hold power over the demons? Couldn't he smack him like a bug if he wanted to? I'm not as familiar with those types of roles so I could be off base in my assumption. As well, stating demons are immortal could be taken out in lieu of some of Holly's suggestion to mention the why of our character's dire circumstances.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is good, although the phrase "has to" implies an obligation that you don't clearly define.
ReplyDeleteAs for the second sentence, it felt a little too informational, almost too tell-y, for me. The timeline felt artificial, so the stakes didn't seem as real. Why do they only have a month? And if they don't kill the demon, what will happen?
I agree with Krista V. Why do they want to kill the demon in the first place? If Gabriel has served the demon for seven years without dying or being brainwashed, it doesn't seem like he's in immediate danger, so why the ticking clock? It definitely seems like a fun read, though. :)
ReplyDeleteHmmm. My first thought was, how do you kill someone who is immortal? Doesn't that mean you can't die?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I agree with Holly. Why does she 'have to?' Her life is going along just perfectly normal, and then all of a sudden, she 'has to' do this.
Where did the Angel of Death come from and why did he pick her and the fashionista? Why them out of all the people on the planet? And why does she agree to do it? And what will happen if they fail?
It's been mentioned several times already, but I'm wondering what draws Gabriel, the fashionista, and the Angel of Death together? They're quite an unlikely team and that's what makes your premise original, but what forces them together?
ReplyDeleteI love the premise here!
ReplyDeleteI don't see an inciting incident here, though. What happened to Gabriel to make him want to kill the demon now?
We know what his goal is, but what are the consequences? What will happen if he doesn't reach his goal within the month?
If you can clear that up, you'll have a stronger logline.
Good luck with this!
Nice story and good hook. All you're missing is the why. He must kill the demon in order to.. be free? What changed his mind about serving this demon? That's your inciting incident and we need to see it. Ex: When Gabriel Durante falls in love with an angel, he must sever ties with his demon master in order to be with her forever. See what I mean? Also, as already stated, make it more active by saying he teams up with... not he has to team up with... Great job!
ReplyDelete