You've successfully said a lot in a very few words so bravo. However, this makes me think immediately of some "thing" that she holds in the palm of her hand - some physical object that holds some kind of power. If this is what you intended, bravo, but if this power is figurative as in she has the power or the ability to do both, then I would use a different phrase as "in the palm of her hand" is a bit cliche. Otherwise good job.
Nice and concise. I think you need to mention why she should not exist or get rid of "who should not exist". I'd also rather have something more specific about why she controls their fate rather than a cliche line "palm of her hands." I think it is a great hook in one line though. Great job!
I think the "who should not exist" either needs to be explained or removed. Is she a forbidden hybrid, supposed to have been killed, or something else? That might give us a clue as to why the fate of the vampire race is riding on her specifically.
As it is, this one falls a little flat for me because there's not any one really unique detail that really jumps out and grabs me. It's close, it just needs a little tweak to make it stand out from similar tales.
Most women debate over what to wear each morning - this girl's got quite a bit to handle! Jokes aside, I agree with the above comments and would add that there is no hook whatsoever about the romance aspect of your book. You've listed it as Paranomal Romance so we need that explained as it is a major theme in your novel...correct?
This certainly raises a lot of questions, but we should probably have the answers to at least a few of these. Personally, I'm not of the opinion that every logline has to have a specific set of elements (I've seen several agents request material from online contests based on five-word loglines like "It's X meets Y" and "A steampunk novel set in 4th-century Maya," which tell you basically nothing about the plot), but you could probably stand to give us a little more here.
How does this woman hold the salvation or destruction of the vampire race in her hands? If you more clearly define that, you wouldn't have to rely on this cliche-like expression. Also, as several others pointed out, since you define this as a paranormal romance, you probably ought to give us at least a sense of that relationship.
I would agree with GSMarlene, but I really like the bit about the fact she shouldn't exist. It makes me want more, which is what it's supposed to do, right?
I think maybe elaborate more on your MC. Include things like what her name is and WHY she shouldn't exist and what that has to do with holding the salvation/destruction of the vampire race in her hands. This IS a nice, powerful logline, though. Very concise and to the point.
You've successfully said a lot in a very few words so bravo. However, this makes me think immediately of some "thing" that she holds in the palm of her hand - some physical object that holds some kind of power. If this is what you intended, bravo, but if this power is figurative as in she has the power or the ability to do both, then I would use a different phrase as "in the palm of her hand" is a bit cliche. Otherwise good job.
ReplyDeleteNice and concise. I think you need to mention why she should not exist or get rid of "who should not exist". I'd also rather have something more specific about why she controls their fate rather than a cliche line "palm of her hands." I think it is a great hook in one line though. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI think the "who should not exist" either needs to be explained or removed. Is she a forbidden hybrid, supposed to have been killed, or something else? That might give us a clue as to why the fate of the vampire race is riding on her specifically.
ReplyDeleteAs it is, this one falls a little flat for me because there's not any one really unique detail that really jumps out and grabs me. It's close, it just needs a little tweak to make it stand out from similar tales.
All you have here is a character. You still need to incite this story, give the woman a goal, some conflict and some consequences.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Most women debate over what to wear each morning - this girl's got quite a bit to handle! Jokes aside, I agree with the above comments and would add that there is no hook whatsoever about the romance aspect of your book. You've listed it as Paranomal Romance so we need that explained as it is a major theme in your novel...correct?
ReplyDeleteThis certainly raises a lot of questions, but we should probably have the answers to at least a few of these. Personally, I'm not of the opinion that every logline has to have a specific set of elements (I've seen several agents request material from online contests based on five-word loglines like "It's X meets Y" and "A steampunk novel set in 4th-century Maya," which tell you basically nothing about the plot), but you could probably stand to give us a little more here.
ReplyDeleteHow does this woman hold the salvation or destruction of the vampire race in her hands? If you more clearly define that, you wouldn't have to rely on this cliche-like expression. Also, as several others pointed out, since you define this as a paranormal romance, you probably ought to give us at least a sense of that relationship.
Hope that helps!
Since there are so many vampire books out there, I'd really want to know why this one is different before I'd buy it.
ReplyDeleteI would agree with GSMarlene, but I really like the bit about the fact she shouldn't exist. It makes me want more, which is what it's supposed to do, right?
ReplyDeleteAnd what does she do with it? That, I think, is your log line.
ReplyDeleteWhy does she exist if she shouldn't? How did she come to be? ANd where does the story go from there? Just my opinion, but you need more.
This is a very powerful and short logline, but with the abundance of vampire paranormals out there, you need to make yours stand out.
ReplyDeleteBest part of your hook is why your MC shouldn't exist, so elaborate on that more?
I think maybe elaborate more on your MC. Include things like what her name is and WHY she shouldn't exist and what that has to do with holding the salvation/destruction of the vampire race in her hands. This IS a nice, powerful logline, though. Very concise and to the point.
ReplyDeleteMore! More!
ReplyDeleteThe woman who should not exist intrigues me. It wouldn't take much to hook me.
I'd like a little more information on this one.
ReplyDelete