TITLE: Elemental Fire
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Brook followed her father through a secret Gate to another world. She must protect the Gate from a madman determined to change the world’s physical laws via several ancient talismans, two of which have been protected by a mystical horse, Goshawk.
Jory shouted, “Merrick’s got a knife. Get out of here, Brook. I told you not to trust them. Go!”
Then I did the craziest thing I have ever done in my life. Way stupider than stepping through a doorway I didn’t understand or reveling in Vienna’s mad gallops. I scrambled onto the rock behind me and Goshawk moved sideways. I snatched handfuls of mane, closed my eyes and flung my right leg over his back.
Goshawk spun and erupted into motion. A tornado of thundering hooves and roaring wind carried me away from deceit.
I quit thinking for a moment.
If it weren’t for the security of the deep form-fitting seat and my death grip on the mane, I would have tumbled right over Goshawk’s rump. I held tight as we raced across the meadow. This was nothing like riding Vienna. Vienna likes to run, sure, but she’s little. Every ounce of Goshawk was solid muscle and built for powerful motion. It was like riding a rocket. Air rushed past my face since I had no ability to breathe it in. I had no choice but to hold on and hope Goshawk didn’t throw in a buck.
Eventually I realized I was riding this amazing animal. Really riding, not just hanging on. Then a thought entered my head. It was not my own.
Are you okay?
I slung my head from one side to the other so fast I nearly fell off.
Really felt the sensation of riding here.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if we need 'I told you not to trust him'.It sort of slows down the opening for me.
Also 'I quit thinking...' didn't make sense especially because she is analyzing her situation right after. Perhaps instead of what she isn't doing we can know what she is... surrendering to the motion or some such.
I like the fact that just when she thinks she's in charge of the ride she gets thrown for a loop at the end of the passage.
Good job
'I quit thinking for a moment' also tripped me up, partly because it sounds so casual. We're in the middle of fleeing but, hang on a moment, I need some chapstick (or something).
ReplyDeleteIf it's only a moment, I don't think she'd noticed she quit thinking (especially not clearly enough to give it it's own paragraph).
Also, 'I slung my head' makes it sound like her head is a backpack...
Everything else read smoothly for me, though.
I like the snappiness of the sentences, they are not full of needless adjectives. Also, very descriptive, I feel like I am there. The last two lines cause me to hesitate, but overall "Excellent!"
ReplyDeleteI really like Michelle's idea of using *I surrendered to the motion* instead of *I quit thinking for a moment*.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you use the word *was* five times in this excerpt (three times in one paragraph). Putting in some more active language will really ramp up the tension and exhilaration of the ride!
I like the comparison between Goshawk and Vienna. But maybe move the Vienna sentence after "riding a rocket."
Great excerpt.
My personal preference for the opening would be "Merrick's got a knife!" Jory shouted. "Get out of here, Brook. Go!"
ReplyDelete"Erupted into motion" felt a bit awkward to me.
"Carried me away from deceit." I wasn't sure if this was a reference to something not mentioned in this excerpt or simply an unusual description, but it gave me pause.
I'm going to agree with Michele and Durango on the "I quit thinking for a moment."
ReplyDeleteI think you could pare down the "was" usage here with something more powerful.
On the other hand, I'd read on to see if that's really a talking horse like I think it is. ^_^
Well, I was confused because you had the set-up in order to allay confusion but you don't mention Jory or Merrick and those are the first two names we encounter. BUt, apart from that pet peeve, I liked the way you meld rider and horse so that they become one energy - metaphorically speaking. One point - the use of the word "rocket" takes me out of Fantasy and right into the modern world. I would find another word to convey what you mean - lightning? energy? - rocket just makes me think of Cuba or Russia or Tom Hanks in Apolllo 13.
ReplyDeleteI agree with most previous comments - the first line needing to be snappier, the 'quit thinking' line change, the 'was' words needing replaced with ACTION, and all the good stuff about feeling the rush of a wild horse ride and the excitement that the horse may be communicating with her. Would love to read MORE!
ReplyDeleteYOu have captured everything great. The idea of a horse and rider becoming connected is a wonderful - and dynamic image. Just one nit - don't have her worry Goshawk (great name BTW) would buck. No, no, once she is at that point, there is no 'buck'coming. There are becoming acquainted that's all. She could think to herself....I feared a buck but then I realized that if he didn't want me on his back I wouldn;t be here etc.....whatevah...you get the poin t.
ReplyDeleteI like the MC, she has guts to ride a mystical horse who protects important artifacts.
ReplyDeleteI agree with previous commentators that "carried me away from deceit" means nothing out of context.
I hope the ride is short given that she has lost her ability to breathe air in. I wonder why that is?
I've always been told that phrases such as "I realized..." are red flags to mark telling, rather than showing. Can you thnk of a better way to word it, or drop it altogether.