TITLE: The Adventures of Bic and Bill
GENRE: MG Boys Adventure
If Bill doesn’t re-capture that ornery goat Del Ray before he’s wreaked havoc on the farm again Daddy’s promised Bill he’s going to take that goat to the butchers. We find ourselves in Daddies bedroom with Bill desperately attempting to prevent Del Ray from busting up a jug of Daddy drink.
Bill twists off his back. Del Ray churns forward, eyes blazing, filled with fiendish glory and destruction. Seizing the Daddy Drink Bill rolls to his back as Del Ray fury-charges. Bill punches up with both his feet, kick-flipping that goat straight into the ceiling.
Like a soaring pitch fork Del Ray’s horns stick into the plaster all the way up to his devious skull. Leaping up, Bill carefully returns Daddy’s jug back to where it’s always kept. Then Bill and me dash through the room, setting everything straight so Daddy will suspect nothing of the events that have transpired. Del Ray just dangles from the ceiling, snickering proudly to his self at all the mischief he’s accomplished. That’s when we hear it, creaking on the stairs. Bill and me freeze like dead cows in a snowstorm, staring at each other. There comes another creek followed by a shuffling step and the sound of Daddy stopping to hack out a cough.
Bill looks at me, then Del Ray, back to me, at his feet, then back to Del Ray. Del Ray looks back at Bill, and for the first time he looks as if he’s sorry for all the commotion he’s raised. Then he drops the most diabolical cluster of goat nuggets he can manage, and giggling like mad starts striking goat poses as he dangles in the air delighted with his self.
Daddy’s reached the top stair now. We hear him rounding the banister muttering and grumbling about something, if not nothing.
Sounds like a funny story. Make sure your voice stays consistent. Also, "freeze like dead cows in a snowstorm" didn't really resonate with me. Maybe if I'd read the rest of the story...
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept. I don't think I've ever read about goat droppings with so much interest. Very funny too. I didn't expect that.
ReplyDeleteGrammar check: *Bill and I freeze*
Good job!
Very Funny! I like the fiendish glory and destruction. Good images.
ReplyDeleteGoat nuggets are a gem.
Good luck.
Bill twists off his back. Del Ray churns forward, eyes blazing, filled with fiendish glory and destruction. Seizing the Daddy Drink Bill rolls to his back as Del Ray fury-charges. Bill punches up with both his feet, kick-flipping that goat straight into the ceiling.
ReplyDeleteLike a soaring pitch fork Del Ray’s horns stick into the plaster all the way up to his devious skull.**Nice image**
NP Leaping up, Bill carefully returns Daddy’s jug back to (where it’s always kept).*IMO always go with a specific colorful description rather than something vague*
NPThen Bill and me dash through the room, setting everything straight so Daddy will won’t suspect. nothing of the events that have transpired.GWS
NP Del Ray just dangles from the ceiling, snickering proudly to his self at all the mischief he’s accomplished.
NPThat’s when we hear it, creaking on the stairs.
NP Bill and me freeze like dead cows in a snowstorm, staring at each other.
NP There comes aAnother creek comes, followed by a shuffling step and the sound of Daddy stopping to hack out a cough.
Bill (looks) at me, then Del Ray, back to me, at his feet, then back to Del Ray.
NP Del Ray (looks) back at Bill, and for the first time he looks as if he’s sorry for all the commotion he’s raised. Then he drops the most diabolical cluster of goat nuggets he can manage, and giggling like mad starts striking strikes goat poses as he dangles in the air delighted with his self.
Daddy’s reached the top stair now. We hear him rounding He rounds the banister muttering and grumbling about something, if
Tried to use track changes. Didn't work too well. Hope it's helpful anyway
Blessings,
A funny scene. Especially the goat stuck in the ceiling.
ReplyDeleteI did get speedbumped a few times having to reread sentences in order to understand what to picture. An example, Bill on his back kicking the goat to the ceiling just wasn't easy to imagine the way it is phrased. "Striking goat poses" means what exactly?
You may also think about the voice of the speaker. Seems older than MG at times.
Again, funny concept and action. I hope my comments are helpful.
It's damn funny. Imagining a goat with curved horns and a fiendish look made me laugh. It reads like a scene for Dunston Checks In.
ReplyDeleteThere were a few speedbumps in the action. Also the last part 'if not nothing' seems forced and doesn't add much.
HA! Too funny!
ReplyDeleteThis was very good, I like the narrator's voice in the whole piece, especially this, "Bill looks at me, then Del Ray, back to me, at his feet, then back to Del Ray. Del Ray looks back at Bill, and for the first time he looks as if he’s sorry for all the commotion he’s raised." I think the repetitive, quickness of it adds to the Holy s**t looks the boys and the goat give to each other.
I agree with keeping to the voice of the speaker. I think it goes along well until I get to "... events that have transpired." It seems to mature from the previous voice.
I rather liked "Bill and me freeze..." I think it is in keeping with the narrator's voice. "..like dead cows in a snowstorm." Laughed when I read that whole line, but I live in a county that has more cows than people, so I get it. :)
I also found it very funny and agree that "Bill and me freeze" is much more consistent with the voice. "Bill and I freeze" would just be silly. Really good sense of scene and love the little touches like Daddy Drink. Well done.
ReplyDeleteIt's a farce, and my sons would probably love it. I found the goat's horns getting stuck in the ceiling (all the way to his skull) pushing credibility, though. But larger-than-life events are what makes a farce, I guess.
ReplyDeleteThe writing needs to be polished. And, I write that knowing that phrases such as "Bill and me" are an acceptbale part of the narrator's voice.
Examples- "snickering proudly to his self" - change to himself.
"There comes another creek" - change to creak.
"Leaping up Bill carefully..." leaping and carefully sound like contradictions.
But overall, good job.
I love the voice of the narrator and get a good sense for the scene. Especially love the humor!! Your use of language punches the story up a lot "kick-flipping that goat to the ceiling" "dead cows in a snowstorm". Very visual and set the tone well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with some earlier posts that in places the voice slips a little into something more mature. It's a tough one because on the one hand you give the MC poor grammar (and it works!) yet he knows and uses words like devious, transpired, and fiendish. This is one of those instances where you may have to lose great words to gain believability,