TITLE: MARGARET ETHEL g.a
GENRE: YA
It's not every day someone dies in Mr. Sample's sixth period physics class. I guess if Freddie Johnson were telling this story, she'd say, "It's not every day you kill your best friend in sixth period physics." But she's not telling this story. I am.
Crazy, I know. Who ever heard of a girl named Freddie? But that's her name, good ol' Freddie Johnson. She's crazy. If anybody's gonna kill you in Physics Lab, it's Freddie. She didn't mean to, of course, but she did. That's Freddie for you. Always getting into trouble, which was both great fun for me and a royal pain in my you know what.
Mr. Sample was going on about something, but I wasn't listening. I was updating my Facebook page to say I'm now completely and definitely single. Just so you know, we're not supposed to use our cell phones during class or even in the hall, but this was an emergency. Thankfully, I did, and just in time. Now Kent Adams will always be remembered as the guy who broke up with me on the day I died. Perfect, it's what he deserves. He dumped me at lunch. I was devastated during fourth period, angry in fifth, and over him by sixth. I'm a quick griever. I told him I wasn't ready. I'm barely sixteen and we'd only been dating for three measly little weeks. I guess when it didn't happen at prom, he figured he'd move on. That's fine. Bye-bye.
I appreciate your assured writing style and the honesty reflected from the voice of your main character. It feels like she is speaking with the reader, not at them. So far, it sounds to be like a YA Paranormal. When I discovered their age, of sixteen, I would have assumed that the character was younger, though. I would like to read on to discover who Freddie is, and what the main character's name is, since it wasn't mentioned.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the MC feels younger...maybe 13 or 14. I like the comment about "good thing, too." Nice snarky touch. I even like how it kind of talks around certain things and then circles back...feels like talking with a teenager! Would like to read more.
ReplyDeleteThis ecerpt needs focus. Whatever strength there is in the writing is undermined by the scattergun approach: a death in class, the fact that Freddie is a girl named Freddie, the fact that she would be the one to kill if it were going to happen (so is the story about Freddie?)- but then it moves to Kent and his now defunct relationship with the MC (so it's about breaking up?) no, because she is over it, so we are back to death again? You see, each of those things is good and worthy of time ane exploration - but when you put them all together you end up with a stew and that's not what you want in the opening. But, underneath that, the writing is strong so everything is salvageable with focus.
ReplyDeleteLOVE love love the first paragraph! I think it gets a little lost after that ... would like the see the 2nd paragraph get us right into the scene and let us learn from context clues that Freddie is a girl rather than coming right out and saying it. Overall, though, this shows a lot of promise. I'm certainly intrigued :)
ReplyDeleteI have a suggestion that is a little radical. But what if you rearranged your sentences some and actually started the story like this:
ReplyDelete"If anybody's gonna kill you in Physics Lab, it's Freddie. Good ol' Freddie Johnson. She's crazy. She didn't mean to, of course..."
Because I was way more engaged in the second paragraph than I was in the first. Oh, I just glanced up and see Andrea Jean said much the same thing. Yes, I agree. Don't state that Freddie's a girl, jusst go right into she. That's enough for us. Yes, it's an odd name for a girl, but not unheard of and it just adds to this accidental murderesses quirkiness. Funny, I think I like her already. ;)
Also, because of the way you started it, seemed like it took me forever to figure out who died... I think it would be a bit more effective to show the narrator is actually the victim (always neat having a dead narrator).
I love the bit about her being a quick griever. ;)
I like it. I'd read on. The tone is there. And I think it's interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis has voice. And that voice is engaging.
The voice is good and the scattered approach does go well with that voice. Because of how scattered it is, though, I had a little trouble keeping up with what happened when, especially when I got to the third paragraph.
ReplyDeleteWhat I do like about this MC though, especially, is that she doesn't seem to hold a grudge against Freddie for killing her, and yet what seems really crucial is that updating her Facebook page before she died lets her stick it to Kent for breaking up with her.
The first paragraph set up that someone is killed in physics class. Logically the second paragraph should tell us about it. It starts, "Crazy, I know." Which continues to lead me to think more information is coming, but then goes on to talk about something inconsequential. Something my teenager does all the time and I'm guessing was intentional. I laughed the crazy part isn't that someone was killed in physics. It's that the girl's name is Freddie.
ReplyDeleteI could have doene without the repetition of crazy, other than that , I'm in.
Until I realized that the MC was the one who had died, I felt a little nauseous at how lightheartedly your MC prattled about somebody dying in her vicinity.
ReplyDeleteGood shock value, and I'd like to know how someone kills another in class - electricity and water, perhaps.
I liked the voice and would read on. I'm currently working on a tale about a dead fifteen year old girl told from her POV as well. The choice of voice is either completely light or heavy, nothing in between works.
I'm hooked. I love the voice. Snarky without the bitter.
ReplyDeleteThis is great writing and I love the humour.
ReplyDeleteYour character comes across sympathetically, not just because she is dead.
I thought you might have gone into a bit too much detail about Freddie in the second paragraph. Through the story, you can show us how crazy Freddie is.I'm not sure you need this paragraph at all. It takes us away from the MC and focusses on Freddie.
Love the way she talks about the ex-boyfriend.
This is funny and intriguing and I would read on.
I enjoyed this and thought you had a great voice here. I don’t see what the problem is. Yes, she’s dead (which was a nice twist. I didn’t imagine it was the narrator at the beginning) but now what? What is the story really about? Whatever that is, maybe sneak a hint of it in because, even though I liked what I read, I don’t have a clue as to where this is going, and for me, that’s what I’d need to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGreat first paragraph. I'm torn on paragraph two, I like the scatteredness of the narrator, but by paragraph three, she's a bit too scattered. Great twist on not telling us who died until paragraph three.
ReplyDeleteHowever, for me, the twist that she is the one who died, killed my interest a bit. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of ghost narrators, and it's hard to do well. I was excited about someone else dying--I love murder mysteries.
But, of course, that's personal. And her funny voice (rather than sad and depressed) could make for an interesting ghost. The next paragraph needs to get into the details of how she died or you'll lose interest with too much reflection and backstory.
Author here. Thanks everyone for the feedback.
ReplyDeleteF.Y.I. Margaret is a guardian angel. I used g.a. In the title because it was less cutesy.
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