TITLE: AGAINST THEIR WISHES
GENRE: YA
When seventeen-year-old Tyler Haden's best friend is bullied and beaten, she goes against her parents' wishes to investigate the root causes of violence in her school, only to be caught in the middle of a murder/suicide scene in the school cafeteria.
Josh yanks a handgun out of his pocket, takes aim and fires at Eric. Ka-chume. The bullet surges into the boy's chest.
I jump back when the bang goes off and fall against the wall. Knees gone weak, I clutch the door handle to stay on my feet.
Some kids run and hide under tables or dash for the exit. The rest sit, frozen in their chairs.
Eric stares at Josh, then slumps backward and falls off his chair. A red stain forms on the left side of his chest.
Without waiting, Josh points the gun at Sean and pulls the trigger. Ka-chume. Ka-chume.
Explosions go off in the air, inside me, everywhere.
Hit by bullet blasts, the soda machine makes popping sounds and sprays carbonated beverages all over the walls and floor.
Students try to run, but they slip on the wet floors and fall.
Except for the pops and the blasts from his gun, the cafeteria is silent. Students stare, mouths hanging loose, eyes wide. Some try to crawl away or hide behind the curtains.
The funky smell of my own anxious perspiration fills my nose. My eyes glued to the scene, I'm powerless to run for help or call on my phone.
Sean gazes at Josh with disbelief on his face, drops to his knees, then falls face down on the tiles with a thud. Blood pools out from under him.
This has a very gripping concept and the scene has great potential (I haven't seen too many stories covering this topic). A few suggestions:
ReplyDeleteYou may want to add more physical/emotional reactions for your MC (sooner than at the end). What does she feel when the first boy, Eric, is shot? I wanted to be inside her head more and experience those physical and emotional reaction along with her. To me, this feels more distant, like she's narrating something but not personally involved. (For example, she notes what other students are doing... hide under tables, dash for the exit, sit still) but she seems to be standing there watching.) Make it even more personal, and you'll strengthen the scene.
You might also consider varying the lengths of sentences and paragraph more. Try reading it aloud and see how it flows. Often action scenes include some short sentences to keep the action flowing.
Question: why don't more kids try to leave/run sooner?
You have some great visual images in here (horrifying ones!) and I really liked the soda machine spraying the liquid everywhere.
It's a very vivid scene--nice job.
Intriguing premise! You have my attention already.
ReplyDeleteImmediately, you hit on a pet peave of mine- sound effects. They're not needed, and they're distracting. If your writing is good; then your readers will fill in the blanks effortlessly.
Overall, this excerpt felt distant. It would be better in deep POV. If the MC feels distant or numb because of the shock, we need to feel that, but instead I'm just being told what happened.
I hope you keep working on this because traumatic situations that modern teens have to deal with should be in novels.
Absolutely riveting. I think you have captured this scene as close to perfectly as one could hope. I like the fragments of action and how they are all part of the MC's taking in of the scene. The shock of seeing this would cut off any chance for introspection or analysis or evaluation until after the dust has settled. The best one could hope for would be to grab the door handle as you state. Adding the sounds of soda cans was perfect. One thing - experiment with other representatios of the gun going off in language - ie. you chose 'Ka-chume'. That may be the perfect one I don't know but as an exercise try a few more and then see how they 'sound' on the page. I did not like the line "The funky smell of my own perspiration fills my nose." It seems out of place at this point and I would rethink it. But, all things taken together - a gem of a scene.
ReplyDeleteI, too, think it's a gripping concept but would like more insight into the MC's emotions as the bullets are being fired. It does sound like someone outside the scene describing it.
ReplyDeleteMy gut tells me that kids would be screaming, not sitting frozen with loose jaws. The cafeteria would be anything but silent!
That kind of chaos is a strong backdrop for your MC to feel frozen in time -- seeing mouths open but not hearing the screams, watching people fall in slow motion, seeing the widening bloom of blood on the boy's chest.
While this has a Columbine feel, it's the reality of the world we live in -- and something that students would identify with.
(I, too, disliked the "funky smell, anxious perspiration" line. Don't know what I'd notice in such a frightening scene but I doubt it'd be my BO.)
I found this to be very well-written and realistically captures what is a very difficult scene to convey on the page. But you do it in one of the best ways I have seen. I think what really sold it to me was the very areas that people are criticizing. The difference in reaction is what makes it seem so real, so immediate. I remember a boy on CNN talking about the recent school shooting in Cleveland and how fascinated I was when he said that he could not move - that he did in fact 'freeze' in place - not because he wanted to but because his brain just could not process what was happening. And another thing, just on a personal note, I was in a life-threatening situation once that involved many people gathered together in one place and what sticks with me? - the absolute SILENCE that descended on people. There was no screaming or shouting - just the worst silence you have ever heard in your life. It was as if everyone retreated into themselves. I would want to read this book - very much.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite so far. Gripping. Breath-taking. Action/tension at its highest. At first, I thought surely there would be someone screaming or crying, but I've never experienced anything like this and I believe the testimony of the previous commenter. I like the 'funky smell' comment near the end, engaging more of my senses. And I think the lack of emotional description just adds to the fact that at that moment, none can be described. You're experiencing shocking, jaw-dropping absurdities - there's no room for emotion at that present moment. Liked this one a lot. Would read! Great job.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. I agree with what others have said about wanting more of the MC's reactions and emotions, though.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the shooting noise. It felt comic booky to me and took me out of the seriousness of the scene.
Love the imagery with the soda machine.
I'm really speechless. I cannot improve on what you wrote except to say I didn't like the funky sweat comment and I agree with experimenting with the sound of a gun. There is a big diff between movie gun and real gun sound. Many people who are not familiar with firearms are shocked at the really small, even sometimes silent sound they make. Bang Bang you are dead is only in the movies. In real life, depending on the gun, it is like popcorn. So small that you don't even know it. But, this is so riveting that I think you hit a home run. I predict an agent will see this and want more. There are 2 entries that are like this and yours is one - real and visceral (hope I spelled that correct)
ReplyDeleteA winner through and through. I wish I were an agent. You would be getting a request.
ReplyDeleteNice job with this! I feel that you really succeeded in concentrating on interesting/unique details (clutching the door handle, the soda machine spraying). The only spot I felt this let you down was in the "funky smell of my own anxious perspiration..." I think you are going for another interesting observation here, but I really wonder if amidst all this carnage the MC is really going to take the time to concentrate on her own smell...and what does that smell like to be so prominent as to cut through all else?
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I find fascinating is how many of these excerpts mention "widening eyes" or "eyes wide." I think it works fine here, but feel like, overall, we should challenge ourselves as writers to come up with more compelling descriptions.
I also liked the first description of the gun's sound (the Ka-chume) but feel you should try to vary it...perhaps the MC hears it differently as the scene unravels and she really understands what is going on?
One of my favorite submissions. Bravo!
The timing seems off in the part about Sean. Josh shoots him. Then we have Josh shooting the pop machine, students running and falling etc., and then 6 paragraphs later Sean falls down. That was jarring.
ReplyDeleteThis is very good and very immediate, which is a strength in an action scene.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn on whether I'd like more emotion here. There's something very shocked about this scene which transfers well to the reader. Sitting inside I's head might soften that.
The only real nitpick I have is 'the funky smell of my own perspiration'. It's totally stylistic, but 'funky smell' was a little too amusing a phrase for the scene, in my opinion (but then I can't think of a time I've ever used that word, so what do I know?)
So yes, overall, very good, and a gripping concept.
Echoing other comments, I think more reaction from the MC will strengthen this, and I just can't imagine many kids sitting still and frozen when a gun is fired. Maybe one or two, but the majority would scatter probably tripping over themselves to get away.
ReplyDeleteWhile I like the Ka-chume for the second and third shots, the first took me out of the story; it felt too comical for such a dramatic moment, like the narrator was numb to it. Unless that is affect you are going for - numb, impassive shock rather than freaking out.