TITLE: Black Widow Witch
GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy
Today was the anniversary of the worst day of my life, and I was trying to forget about it by drinking vast amounts of alcohol, as one was supposed to do. The fact that I owned a bar greatly helped with that endeavor. I was deliciously buzzed, and that was an accomplishment since witches weren't easily susceptible to alcohol. Even so, the significance of this day still gnawed at me.
Currently I was behind the bar making a show of mixing drinks by enhancing each one with magic depending on what the customer asked for. Wanted extra stamina to take home to your girlfriend? Sure! Wanted something a little hallucinogenic and trippy? No problem! Somewhere in the room I could hear riotous laughter, and above that the voice eliciting that laughter. Xiune was having a good night for a change and wasn't holed up in my office. Though considering she was just a head inside an acrylic box, it was understandable that sometimes all she wanted to do was hide.
"Malachi, darling!" Xiune called. "Seven brave and handsome young men have requested the Challenge!"
"They may be handsome, but are they really brave?" I said, smiling slyly. I loved administering the Challenge.
"It's time for the Seven Deadly Sins Challenge!" I announced, filling up seven shot classes. "Which sin will it be and what will its victim do?" People shouted all manner of crude guesses while I sent tendrils of purple magic into the shot glasses.
Ah, how I love the freedom of Adult genres. Opening with alcohol always is a plus to me. Your last line is great, "People shouted all manner of crude guesses while I sent tendrils of purple magic into the shot glasses." It makes me want to read on, to learn what this awesome "purple magic" is, but at the same time, the wording sounds a bit off. Maybe change the wording around, such as, "People shot me a multitude of crude guesses, as I sent tendrils of purple magic into the shot glasses." Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "shouted all manner" ..
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by this, and would definitely read on. I think the writing could be tightened up in places (ex. don't need "as one was supposed to do" in the first sentence)
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of different drinks for different effects - if only that were true...and legal.
Good job!
Hmm...I think I like this. ;) The writing could be tightened in spots. IE: Wanted extra stamina to take home...
ReplyDeleteIt feels like an unfinished thought. However, I like the idea of a witch infusing drinks with magic. She intrigues me and if this fell in my inbox, I'd read on.
Entertaining straight away.
ReplyDeleteNeeds a bit of a clean up.
But I like the MC and I am intrigued.
I'd read on.
It feels fun and bawdy and inticing. I agree it could be tightened (what story couldn't be?), but it is definitely engaging.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of mysterious and interesting details here. Overall, I liked it, but a few things threw me off. I don't know if the narrator's a girl or guy. In the 2nd para, the "Currently" can be inferred and give her an action instead of the "I was," which is dull. Also, I'd change both "Wanted" to "Want."
ReplyDeleteA lot of potential here!
Just to clarify: I gave my MC a masculine name but she's female. Thanks for the great crits so far =)
ReplyDeleteHer label as witch and her echo back that the men are handsome made me think woman (that's probably not very enlightened of me).
ReplyDeleteI really liked several things in this opening--the setup of the magic drinks, the head in a box, the Challenge. I'd read on to see how this world develops.
One thing annoyed me a little. She mentions the impact of the anniversary twice, but I still don't have any information about it--how long ago the event happened, who was involved. It's like the mention of it is on the nose, but the info is still artificially withheld. I'd either give more info or make the mention a subtle tease.
I'm intrigued by what Malachi is hiding from, and I like all the world-building details, especially magic in the drinks. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit thrown thinking she was a woman and then hearing a masculine name, but I like giving girls boys' names so I figured that's what you did.
ReplyDeleteI love the world building in this scene.
I agree with the above comment that is you aren't going to elaborate yet (which I don't think you should) on why it's the worse day of her life, then you should tighten the first paragraph and omit the second mention so it transitions to the bar scene better.
Maybe: Today was the anniversary of the worst day of my life, and I was trying to forget about it by drinking vast amounts of alcohol. Owning a bar greatly helped with that endeavor. I was deliciously buzzed, a great accomplishment as witches weren't easily susceptible to alcohol.
I really love this though. With some tightening it could be spectacular.
Tons of fun - loved it!
ReplyDeleteWatch for passive voice - "was".
and I think that "easily susceptible" doesn't make sense. susceptible is an all or nothing word, she's either susceptible or not. Affected is probably a better word.
good luck!
This started with the anniversary of the worst day of her life and then that is completely abandoned. Perhaps say what happened that day. And then this sounded like a female MC to me, but she has a man’s name (at least, I’ve never heard of a woman with that name before) so that threw me for a bit, wondering if it really was a woman.(Just read your note that explains it.) I was interested in the challenge and would like to have seen the game played, but I also wanted an idea of where the story is going, and that’s not here, either. Perhaps give us a clue.
ReplyDeleteIn the first 250 it's hard to explain everything, but the scene leads you to finding out Malachi's story. I just didn't want to info dump =)
ReplyDeleteHead in a box. Alcohol to forget an anniversary. A witch using magic at a bar.
ReplyDeleteI'm sold and would definitely keep reading.
The one thing I'd watch for is the voice--keep it consistent. The first paragraph could use a bit more zing to tip it from "woe is me" to "drown the bastard with tequila! Olay!" It'd take a few more pages to make sure it is. Right now, it's leaning towards what I call "cozy", a fun semi ditzy mc with a merry band of misfits who help her get out of hijinks (which I love).