TITLE: Remembered
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
AJ is driving back to work to pick up something she forgot when she spies the hero in midst of a parking lot brawl. She doesn’t know his name yet, and so refers to him as Hottie.
Hottie took on four opponents with ease and grace, making AJ stare in awe. And perhaps a little jealousy. His body was a symphony of motion, flowing from kick to punch effortlessly, each finding its mark, and each deflecting his attackers like they were novices and weighed nothing.
Until they got smart.
As one, they closed on Hottie. Surrounded, he beat back three but the fourth got through. The punch snapped Hottie’s head backwards. Another drove a heel into his chest, forcing him to the ground. Before Hottie could recover, one of the attackers picked him up as if he wasn’t a foot taller than them, and tossed him like a basketball.
Right in front of AJ’s Bronco.
They say in moments like this, the world slowed to a crawl, allowing the mind time to understand the intricacies of pivotal events and come to terms with fate. AJ didn’t buy that crap. What happened, happened so fast, it was as if the adrenaline surge made her brain speed up just to keep pace.
Hottie twisted gracefully in mid air like a gymnast dismounting the high bar, landing in a controlled crouch, fingers of one hand resting lightly against the pavement, his other hand poised over his shoulder as if he were reaching for something behind his head. Dropping his empty hand, he straightened, turned, and looked right at her. His eyes widened as he braced for the impact. AJ slammed on the breaks and the cut the wheel hard to the left.
Into the oncoming truck she hadn’t seen.
I really like this piece. I also like that she calls him, "Hottie." I think for the most part it moves, and the last line has me hooked to read more. I would cut the paragraph, "They say in moments like this..." It slows down the pace and keep in mind this scene has to move really fast. She's driving, right? And I'm assuming looking off to the side at this fight? How long would you take your eyes off the road to watch a fight? Would you be able to describe it in this much detail while driving? Wouldn't you pull over or slow down? Great start. Great writing. But I'd think about the flow of events a little bit more.
ReplyDeleteI have an issue with the use of "hero" in the lead in because we do not know the context for which this is used. Why is he a hero? Why isn't he just some guy in a parking lot? You need to explain it or just say she saw some cute guy fighting.
ReplyDeleteAnd speaking of cute guys: Seriously? Hottie? Come on. That's so childish and so 1970s. Plus, if you read the excerpt aloud, the word "Hottie" sounds silly being used so many times. I'm pretty sure you can come up with something better than that.
The very first paragraph where the narrator describes the fight is not very visual, is it? Sure, you're describing something but for the life of me I can't really see it. How exactly does someone's body perform a symphony of motion? And how is he flowing from kick to punch and deflecting attacks? You can have some tell in your work but action scenes is not the place to do so. You showed us the fight so beautifully in the proceeding paragraphs but the first falls short.
Oh and remove the tack-on sentence where you tell us she's jealous, that is just confusing to no end. It also adds nothing to the drama in any way.
Now, I don't see a lot of YA Romance written in third person (past tense, no less)and I want to say kudos for that, but at the same time I'm weary of it. You handled it well in this excerpt but a lot of people will be skeptical of the format. For me, I want to see that same self absorbed, teen-ish, me-against-the-world voice come across in the narration. If it's not there, what's the point reading YA?
Apart from that annoying word (Hottie) there are no major flaws in your excerpt so WELL DONE!
I like the action in the scene and absolutely love the last line. Like @Rachel said, it makes me want to read more. I have no problem with her calling him "Hottie" and as the mother of a pre-teen I can tell you that teens in America still use that word. Although I do agree it feels like it was used a few too many times. I know it's hard when you have multiple characters in a scene and none of them have names yet, but it's used 3x alone in the 3rd paragraph. I'm a little confused about @T.D.'s comment regarding the use of "hero" in the set up. I'm assuming you meant he's the hero of the story.
ReplyDeleteThis is a strong scene and I would read on, especially with the hook at the end.
Well, I had no trouble visualizing the scene as described. In fact, I found it rather easy to follow. I think you can reconsider the "They say in moments like this" aside because it interrupts the flow. I think once you explained why she thought of him as "Hottie" I had no problem with her subsequent use of it. I found it rather amusing (in an endearing way). So, I liked this and have no major issues.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. It had great voice and an easy flow to it. All except the last paragraph. I would cut it to a sentence, just to get the facts that she was about to crash into him. I think all the descriptions about his grace and inhumanity and awesomness distracts from what is really happening; AJ is about to crash into him. Don't mention anything else, other than the fact that he is in front of her moving car.
ReplyDeleteI liked the cliffhanger at the end, I would definately read more. It was nice, and I loved AJ's (brief) characterizatoin, although I would wonder why she is just staring in awe when a person is being attacked.
Only thing original I have to add is the typo for "brakes" - otherwise not my genre!
ReplyDeleteI think the action is described well and visually accessible. I am a little concerned with the MC who does not know this person yet admires him (and gets aroused) by his violence. It just sounds so typical to me of a certain type of woman I work with in my job - and, trust me, it never turns out well for them :) I hope we will one day get to a stage where violent men are not thought of as hotties by women. I could not get past that, sorry.
ReplyDeleteI really like this one. I don't mind that AJ doesn't describe the action in specifics, as she probably doesn't know the terms, and being behind the wheel isn't devoting her full attention.
ReplyDeleteI do think you could cut the part about "in moments like this". It takes away from the immediacy.
And what a cliffhanger, almost hitting the hottie, to swerving into an oncoming truck!