TITLE: The Minotaur Staff
GENRE: Fantasy Action Adventure
Akua is a gladiator, fighting to the death to earn her family a place in Atlantis.
Akua dug her sandals into the ground, steadying her stance. Her shoulder throbbed where the minotaur's horn grazed her on his last charge. As his fury grew, he got stronger, faster, more brutal, but also more reckless. She swung her short sword, judging her opponent's reaction time. There was a split second before the minotaur's eyes followed. He growled.
The bulging muscles of his shoulders and neck trembled as he aimed the horns in her direction. He moved fast, likely using the weight of that large bull head to pull him forward. She dodged left, his right horn going just over her shoulder. His momentum continued to carry him. Akua spun and swung her sword low. Hamstrung, the minotaur crashed to his knees with a roar.
As she moved in for the kill, he rolled and kicked up at her with his uninjured leg. His hoof drove into her left side, knocking out her air as she slammed into the hard ground. Her breath shuddered back in, with a flood of pain. The supple leather chest piece had protected her skin from the sharpened edges, but not the brute force. Most likely, one of her ribs was bruised, maybe broken. This armor was meant for human opponents, the non-lethal competitions. She took a great risk taking on a minotaur.
My excerpt is also from a gladiator story!
ReplyDeleteI think you have the makings of a good fight scene here and the minotaur is a great foe. That being said, I found your writing style a little cumbersome. For example, in the first paragraph I can't immediately tell if the minotaur has charged again. I also think that the use of the word "likely" hurts the flow, especially when it's used twice in two paragraphs. Be definitive!
I think the last paragraph is the best. It's very descriptive.
Good stuff!
This definitely sounds exciting and my two comments are nitpicks.
ReplyDelete1) Just saying 'swung her sword low' to me sounded like she was slashing at air - 'swung her sword low, slashing his leg' (or some such) might be more vivid and clearer. The next sentence makes it clear what happened, but it requires half-a-second of processing time.
2) She broke her rib. And if she's a professional fighter, she would know/accept that. Ribs break *very* easily. Occasionally, people who practice martial arts will get broken ribs from sparring partners who accidentally struck too hard. Yes, she has some armor on, but a *human* can break someones *femur* with a well-connected kick. Perhaps if the minotaur's strike was grazing...
I was able to follow this sequence easily, good job! Lots of active verbs. You do use the word "likely" twice in this short passage and it's probably not necessary. Also, I think you can do better than "supple leather." I've just heard that one many times. But like I said, I was able to follow this scene and found it quite readable.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great scene. It's obvious that this isn't easy for Akua - I can tell she's really struggling.
ReplyDeleteAgree with the likely comments above. The sentence that starts with "as his fury grew..." is doing a lot of telling. Can you show how he is becoming more brutal, but also more reckless instead?
I think you should omit the word Hamstrung. It will make that last sentence of the middle paragraph really stand out.
The very last sentence is a weak ending to this tense scene. You can easily amp that one up to show us just how life and death this situation is.
These are all small fixes for an overall great action scene!
I liked this, had no trouble picturing the action.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree that both uses of "likely" weaken your sentences. Either it is true or not and you can make that decision - be strong!
Heehee, I had to learn this one too!
Good job though!
This didn't quite grab me. The scene is good, and I can visualize the action, but I feel it falls just a little short.
ReplyDeleteI like the way Akua measures her opponent, and I like the rapidly-changing fortunes of battle, but I think you lose momentum at the end. It becomes too analytical, as she considers her wound and the merits of leather as armor against minotaurs, instead of struggling to get her breath and get on her feet before he can get to her and kill her.
I enjoyed this. Overall, the last three sentences felt the weakest to me.
ReplyDelete"Most likely..." seems nonchalant for an injury that could seriously slow her down.
"This armor was meant..." tells me it's second rate armor, but I knew that from the previous sentence about the failure of the chest piece to protect her.
"She took..." seemed very out of place to me. My initial thought was, "you think?" Perhaps it's the whole "out-of-context" thing working against it, but it seemed like you're re-stating what you've just spent three paragraphs showing us.
The lead-in drew me right away. I love that the gladiator character is female. I want to know more about her. But this action scene is a strange combo of action and telling. I want to know everything from her POV, facts she observes, not what she 'most likely' believes about her opponent. And specific actions in this battle would be helpful. But I love the story even from this little portion and would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteI really like the way she sizes up the minotaur by timing his reaction. The scene was engaging and easy to follow.
ReplyDeleteBut you lost me at the end when you start discussing the merits of leather armor. It seems to take all the tension away. I don't really care about her armor. I care about her struggle and the minotaur.
Overall, this is pretty good. I'd pick through it again - I seem to remember an unnecessary comma in there somewhere - but overall, good. A strong grasp of physical motion, and none of the fighting seems unrealistic or overworked.
ReplyDeleteI disliked the use of 'likely', it seemed a weak word for a fight to the death.
It also really slowed down at the end, when she's deciding how much damage she's taken and thinking on her chest piece. There's no reason this couldn't stay in, but it should be much, much more brief. A mention that her ribs are cracked. Briefly wishing she had better armour, maybe.
I think a little flavour of her character/personality would improve this massively.