TITLE: Knight of Aegias
GENRE: Fantasy
Our heroes -- Kara, Ryn, Josalind and Horgrim -- have taken refuge in a storm shelter from a demonic twister sent to reclaim the skull of the evil demigod, Zang. The twister is attacking with shadowy tendrils and the remains of the roof. Josalind, who carries the skull, is losing her battle of wills with Zang’s spirit.
Another of the ceiling’s massive support beams shot from the sky and smashed into Kara’s mystical barrier with such force it exploded into bits. The barrier held, but Kara flinched and her knees buckled. Another timber struck, then another. This time the barrier dimpled before springing back to form. Kara grimaced and collapsed to her knees.
Josalind staggered to her feet and raised the sack over her head. Swirls of black onyx stained her eyes, her features contorted by a contradictory mix of agony and exultation.
Ryn’s heart froze in his chest. “Jos! No!” He leapt toward her only to find himself beaten back by a dozen tendrils.
Josalind pressed against Kara’s barrier. The dark forces that gripped her came in conflict with the power of the Goddess. The crackle of her seared flesh filled the air with a sweet and oily stink, but Zang would not be denied.
Josalind thrust herself through the barrier and into the twister’s grasp.
One moment she stood there, overcome by Zang’s will, the flesh of her arms blistered and bloody. The next she was gone, born away by a cluster of tendrils with such abruptness she might as well have vanished from the mortal world entirely.
Horgrim leapt forward with a roar and flung BloodThorn, but it was too late. The black twister voiced a shrill cry of triumph and catapulted from sight, taking Josalind and the skull with it.
Holy crap this is good. You pack a ton of action into a short excerpt. This really makes me want to read the rest of the book.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but I can't offer much of a critique. There wasn't any part of this that I found cumbersome or awkward. The descriptions are vivid without being wordy. This just works for me.
Great job.
I don't read this genre so it was hard for me to get a handle on the scene at first. However, the writing is strong and I liked the pacing/intensity! My only confusion was about the barrier: were all three *within* Kara's barrier (like a bubble around them)? I'm trying to picture what Jos pushed through.
ReplyDeletePerhaps text that comes before and after would clarify!
I'd read more of this book.
I don't read this genre so it was hard for me to get a handle on the scene at first. However, the writing is strong and I liked the pacing/intensity! My only confusion was about the barrier: were all three *within* Kara's barrier (like a bubble around them)? I'm trying to picture what Jos pushed through.
ReplyDeletePerhaps text that comes before and after would clarify!
I'd read more of this book.
Loved this and would read more.
ReplyDeleteBecause we are just being dropped in I make assumptions that the rest of the text would clarify certain things so I am not as bothered by not know exactly where everyone is.
Do feel a sense of danger, urgency and action here.
Good Job.
The only trouble I had here was picturing what BloodThorn was when it was flung. But I'm assuming that's been described well before this.
ReplyDeleteGood piece.
Good excerpt. Even without the worldbuilding knowledge, I can picture this quit well.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph, you mention Kara's knees buckling. Then two sentences later, she collapses to her knees. I pictured her falling on the first instance, so the second mention confused me. Buckling knees using means falling, unless they catch themself or rebalance.
"The dark forces that gripped her"...suggest changing "that gripped" to "gripping" in order to avoid use of "that."
Considering the fantasy angle, I assume BloodThorn is a named weapon, perhaps a sword or battle axe. That's an easy assumption to make and didn't bother me.
Overall, well done.
I found this confusing...the POV seems muddled to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely good. A lot happens very quickly - I can't decide whether it would be better if it were a little longer, but that may be because I'm only getting to read a snippet of a larger scene.
ReplyDeleteVery good example of action in a fantasy novel. I particularly like how a blow to Kara's barrier causes Kara to fall.