TITLE: Most Wanted
GENRE: YA Light Sci-fi/Fantasy
The things I saw in the rearview the day of my brother’s accident were following me. They had to be things, because men can’t be made of darkness and light.
Of course, I couldn’t tell anyone; they’d pull out the straight-jackets in a heartbeat. Hell, the one time I tried to tell my boyfriend Matt, he patted my knee and said “that’s just the guilt talking, F”. If only it were that simple. Guilt, I could deal with, stuff it down, shove it under the covers. But the alternative consumed me. Every night I begged the bedsprings to wrap around me and pull me through feathers and wood and earth into the pit I deserved. It had gotten worse. Each day, I felt their presence, whatever they were. Swirls of shadow flickered in and out of my vision, right at the corner of my eye. When I turned, nothing remained but the echo, the certainty of what had been and would return.
On the way to pick up Matt’s boutonniere before breakfast, a thousand eyes pressed in on me. It’s like they sensed the significance of the weekend. Prom’s supposed to be the best night of high school, even better than graduation. But every glance at the pale silver dress hanging on my closet door reminded me that its cost was far more than the tag relayed.
Mom thought it would be good for me to go. I could think of many forms of torture I’d rather endure.
Strong starting sentence! It got me into a sort of tense mindset immediately, making me interested. I think the description "can't be made of darkness and light" may not be strong enough for a first impression of something I'm assuming I should be as afraid of as your MC.
ReplyDeleteYour character has an interesting, unique personality and it really shines through in this opening! You set up the feelings of guilt and confusion really well.
The stuff about prom seems like a kind of jarring transition from the paragraph above it, but I'm interested enough that I'd keep reading to figure out what these dark/light things are and what exactly happened.
I really like the voice of this. I'd maybe add mirror after rearview, but that might just be me.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, this is very readable. Did I mention how much I like your character's voice?
Definitely captivating. Strong voice. I liked the darkness and light line. Just my opinion, but I liked the sense of other-worldliness it suggests. I would read more!
ReplyDeletegreat writing.
ReplyDeletethe use of 'F' for her name caught me off guard and made me think of the F-word.
I think two sentences should be combined into one like this:
Each day, I felt their presence, whatever they were--swirls of shadow flickering in and out at the edges of my vision.
and cut: right at the corner of my eye.
good luck!
This is lovely and haunting. The depths of her guilt - guilt like a palpable thing - it's intense and so very deeply human. it seems to define her in this moment in her life. Very effective.
ReplyDeleteI, too, was slightly thrown by the darkness and light line, but I think it's a small thing. You could keep it, or you could play with the vision in your mind and see if you can write it in a stronger way. Remember, this is the very first your reader hears of them. Make it count.
This is tense and dark and strange.
ReplyDeleteAnd then we are at prom. And it feels weird. I might start with the bit about prom and mention why she couldn't concentrate.
The darkness and light line also stumped me. I agree that it can be stronger. Because I don't understand it as it is. Are they shadows on the ground? Is this literally? I don't know.
I liked the voice so much -- it felt very realistic to me and not at all 'put on.' I loved the tension of things following her. Great hook.
ReplyDeleteA few lines threw me. The word 'things' in the first line I thought meant 'stuff' not beings. I don't know why they'd pull out straight-jackets since she's only one person. The Prom mention was a surprise.
The best line was the bedsprings one. It was excellent! Lots of potential here, and I'd definitely read on.
Great voice. I'm dying to know what happened to her brother and why she should feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteI liked this one. It has great voice and story questions. I'm eager to find out what happened to her brother, what these things are, and what it all has to do with her prom dress.
ReplyDeleteI found the lack of transition between the second and third pargraph jarring. Perhaps, you could switch the order of the phrases in P3S1 so that we start with a thousand eyes watching her and then lead into picking up the boutonniere.
I also stumbled over "F," thinking it meant F-word, and then immediately following it with "If" in the next line produces a strange echo.
I had a little bit of a issue in the middle of P2. She's saying that she can deal with guilt, and then says the alternative consumes her. You think the next sentence would be about the alternative, but it seems to be about the guilt again ("into the pit I deserve"). "It had gotten worse"... the guilt or the alternative?
The voice is great, definitely, but I almost felt like the writing was too conversational. The opening line is an interesting hook, and I agree with Trinza that you might find a stronger description for our first impression of whatever it is that's following her. Related to the conversational tone, this line: "Hell, the one time I tried to tell my boyfriend Matt..." the my boyfriend Matt part just seemed awkward to me. Like the "my boyfriend" descriptor is being forced in, I guess, and it is kind of a strange transition from the hook into the story now. I wonder if it would be stronger if we SAW her telling her boyfriend Matt, instead of being told about it after the fact?
ReplyDeleteI liked it, it's creepy and you give just enough description of what's following her to make me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Loved the voice in this, and the tension but I did want to know more about the 'things'. I couldn't get a picture of them just yet.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I like the way you take us into the character's head and her feelings, but I thought paragraph two might have been just a bit too much information because the tension fell away a bit here.
I love the line you finished with and I would definitely read on.
This didn’t work for me. Things that aren’t men are following her and she reacts by – thinking. Where is she? What’s her name? What is she doing? Is she trying to escape them? Nothing is happening here. She’s chatting with the reader (who isn’t supposed to exist for your MC unless she is telling the story after the fact.)
ReplyDeletePerhaps let the backstory go for now and show us what is happening at the moment. Perhaps start this with her walking into the prom. (if she’s going to go.)
I'm hooked. You've balanced reflection and action and conflict well and I'd be interested to see where it goes. It's the voice that has me wanting another couple pages, rather than whatever is following her--dead brothers and demons (or whatever it is) are hard to keep fresh in today's market. Seeing the query, of course, would inform me of what to expect and, given that the premise is grabbing, I'd read more.
ReplyDelete