TITLE: Margaret Ethel g.a.
GENRE: YA
Margaret's ninety-five-year-old roommate arrived in Heaven Adjacent with a nasogastric tube hanging from his nose. He's too scared to pull it. Margaret doesn't want to touch it, but is sick of seeing it and worried about drippage. She's figured out a way to remove it without touching it.
"Arthur, do you want the tube out or not? Because, it's starting to grow on me. Everyone needs a look. Hospital chic, that's you."
Arthur positioned himself between the end of the couch and the wall.
"Other way, face the window."
Arthur hesitated then slowly turned his back to me.
"Lean forward . . . a bit more . . . a little more. OK, Hold still." I used a pencil to move the end of the tube so it hung outside the window. Once the window was closed, the tube was trapped between the pane and the frame. "Close your eyes and stand on one foot."
Arthur's breaths quickened and fogged the glass. "What?"
"Just do it, Arthur. Trust me. I don't want whatever juices or snot that's on that thing getting on me."
Eyes closed, he teetered on one foot. I stood as far from him as I could manage, but still close enough to get both hands on his chest."Take a deep breath." He did and I pushed him backwards, probably harder than necessary. I jumped away to clear myself from the splatter. He screamed as the side arm of the couch clipped his legs and caused him to tumble backwards on to the couch.
"Arthur, are you OK?"
"You did it!"
The tube dangled from the window, and left disgusting wet marks where it'd banged against the glass. I won't go into detail about the goop dripping from the end of the thing, but it's just like you might imagine, only grosser.
I'm chuckling despite having only this snippet to read. I wish I could write humor as well. I have a bunch of comments, but as my critique partners could tell you, I always have the most on what I consider the best writing.
ReplyDeleteA couple of my comments below I'm not sure would apply had I read from the beginning.
Why does Arthur put himself between the couch & wall? (I expect she told him to do this) Should he be showing more resistance to doing what she says (he might have already)?
It took me a moment to realize the mc had shut the window (rather than someone or something else) - maybe show her doing this. This would be a good spot to clarify what Arthur's body position is. I'm picturing a double hung window where he'd be nearly bent double, but I'm not sure about that.
When people are trying to keep their balance, they'll keep their eyes open. If Arthur closes them, is it for some other reason? He's afraid?
I couldn't quite see the mc's body position when she shoves Arthur. Is she standing beside/in front/behind him?
Use of "couch" twice in one sentence - suggest "tumbled back onto the cushions."
When the mc asks "Arthur, are you ok?" what is she doing? Keeping her distance? Leaning over him? This could show a lot about whether she is really concerned.
Before Arthur says "you did it" it would be nice to precede that with an action sentence. Does he grope at his nose? Gasp? Pump his fist? Collapse weakly? Good moment to build his character.
The final paragraph seems to directly address the reader. I always find this distracting as it takes me out of the narrative.
I hope to read this in full someday!
Definitely an effectively gross scene.
ReplyDeleteDon't you just hate it when you have things in mind to say only to see that everything you thought of was already said and that person did a better job of it? In other words, I second everything Heather wrote. I had a hard time picturing everthing that happened, but Heather's suggestions were spot on.
ReplyDeleteOverall, this was gross but funny.
I'm secondinly Lanette here in that Heather has already identified what I'd trouble with.
ReplyDeleteBut still, this is a rather gross scene. Not one to be reading first thing in the morning.
I thought the action here was mostly clear & definitely entertaining, but there are some good catches in the comments above: The sentence with the window closing could be made active & I also wondered about where the MC was standing before she pushed him, since it didn't say anything about Arthur taking a step back from the window.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think the concept is cool & I like the writing. It seems like Arthur will possibly be an ally after this event.
I was too horrified by this scene to pick up on anything much, which means you've done your job. Really, truly gross, strong writing.
ReplyDelete