TITLE: The Milk Carton Murders
GENRE: Murder Mystery
When three coffins slide out from the bank of Wiscoy Creek, it brings back repressed images for reporter, Robertson. He recognizes a milk carton photo pinned to a child’s dress. Viewed through his four-year-old memory, Dave realizes the voice in his head protected him the night his mother was murdered.
He froze. His mommy grabbed him.
“Davy, you need to hide, quickly now! Fast as the gingerbread man! Don’t come out until I come for you! Kiss me ... now go!”
He ran as fast as he could. Where to hide … where to hide? He didn’t know.
Hide in the attic.
In the attic?
Yes Davy, the attic.
He ran up the stairs past his bedroom. Someone’s screaming. Mommy’s screaming. “No, no, no! Leave mommy alone,” he shouted inside himself. No sound came out.
He covered his ears so he wouldn’t hear his mommy … screaming ... screaming.
“Stop! No … no don’t!”
Get up Davy! Get up and run! Mommy said to go hide ... go hide now, Davy! Hide in the attic.
Could he reach the chain? Could he pull down the stairs? He was too small … too small. “I can’t reach!” he yelled, but he had no voice.
Be brave Davy! Be brave!
I can climb on the chair … then on the table. I could jump. But it’s too far. “I’ll fall! I can’t reach … too far … too Far!” No sound.
Jump Davy. You can make it. Be brave. Jump. Now!
He jumped. He got the chain. He pulled down the stairs. He ran up them.
Get the chain Davy! The chain!
He grabbed the chain and pulled it inside.
“Where are you, you little s***! I’m going to beat your a** when I get my hands on you!”
I'm intrigued with this voice in Davy's head... is it his imagination? Is someone actually talking to him? It almost sounds like there is a paranormal element to your story.
ReplyDeleteAs a sucker for Criminal Minds... I would TOTALLY read on!
I was a little distracted by the repetitiveness of everything, though. Especially the voice in Davy's head. I think its still possible to maintain intensity without resorting to that.
Good luck!!
I love this. It's terrifying, and very immediate. I agree that the voice gets a bit repetitive, and that you can probably retain the tension even omitting much of the voice--especially near the end. You can replace the voice with other things. Like his mom or the intruder:
ReplyDeleteHe froze. His mommy grabbed him.
“Davy, you need to hide, quickly now! Fast as the gingerbread man! Don’t come out until I come for you! Kiss me ... now go!”
He ran as fast as he could. Where to hide … where to hide? He didn’t know.
Hide in the attic.
In the attic?
Yes Davy, the attic.
He ran up the stairs past his bedroom. Someone’s screaming. Mommy’s screaming. “No, no, no! Leave mommy alone,” he shouted inside himself. No sound came out.
He covered his ears so he wouldn’t hear his mommy … screaming ... screaming.
“Stop! No … no don’t!”
The voice tells him to get up, but we don’t see him stop or sit after he runs off from his mother. Maybe show him huddling in fear when he hears his mother pleading?
Get up Davy!! Mommy said to go hide ... go hide now, Davy!
Could he reach the chain? Could he pull down the stairs? He was too small … too small. “I can’t reach!” he yelled, but he had no voice.
Mommy stopped screaming.
I can climb on the chair … then on the table. I could jump. But it’s too far. “I’ll fall! I can’t reach … too far … too Far!” No sound.
Jump Davy. You can make it. Be brave. Jump. Now!
He jumped. He got the chain. He pulled down the stairs. He ran up them.
Footsteps thundered up the stairs behind him.
He grabbed the chain and pulled it inside.
“Where are you, you little s***! I’m going to beat your a** when I get my hands on you!”
I definitely felt dropped into the scene and picked up on the tension of the moment, which is great! The comment about "like the gingerbread man" is spot-on as something a mom would say to keep a child calm and give him terms he can relate to. I think you can include even more things along those lines to make us see the scene through a child's perspective and keep us extra-tense with the added knowledge of what this whole scene would feel like to a confused and overwhelmed 4 year old. I have a 5 year old and I'm often surprised (and amused) at the way she misinterprets things because she doesn't yet have the context to process what she sees. So maybe just putting yourself in the shoes of that four year old and how Davy might be thinking about what's happening, even if the reader understands the true scene is different from what Davy is understanding it to be. I also agree with some of the other comments about some repetitive language (for instance, you use screaming a lot). Love the premise and love the ending line- I'm crossing my fingers little Davy makes it out of this unharmed!
ReplyDeleteI'm a Criminal Minds fan and it came to mind as well while reading this. I have a 5 year old son and the one thing I couldn't quite believe was Davy not making a sound. Even if he didn't talk, I'd expect at least a whimper or an indication of tears. I know when my little one gets scared or upset, he usually cries. Overall, I liked this entry quite a bit and felt pretty creeped out with the last line.
ReplyDeleteI got the tension, but I agree, it was a little too choppy with the internal thoughts. It works for a few times, but I would consider cutting some of them out.
ReplyDeleteI loved this piece. You got me into the scene quite well, although your lead-in just confused me. I was actaully frightened for Davy. I get that you need the voice in his head, that's the premise I take it, so I don't think you need to replace them. I thought it worked very well. I was scared for him and his mom. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThe scene-setting excerpt confused me completely. But, the action scene itself I found to be immediate and age-appropriate from the POV of the small boy. I felt the tension and the difficulty in reaching the chain. I think some more focus on the sounds within the house - and the voices - that he is no doubt hearing (his mom, the intruder) would ratchet the stakes up quite a bit. But, overall I thought it was very effective.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say thanks to all of you who took the time to read this. I'm glad I posted this part of the scene (which is longer at both ends. :)
ReplyDeleteI was having trouble with it. How do I do a memory from the age of four? I didn't think one would remember it from adult terms, be it a dream, flashback, or even hypnosis.
I agree with all of you on the repetition. Even though a 4 yr old's memory and vocabulary would be limited it is too Dick & Janeish, as in, "See Jane. She Jane run. Run Jane, run!"
Just to clarify the lead in with more words. Dave's father killed his mother when Dave was four. The trauma left him speechless for over a year, he then begins to talk again when a charming little girl comes to stay with them. It's this girl who brings him out of his shell. As a 35 yr old reporter for the Lamont Weekly Times (rural area), he goes down to the creek to report on the clean up after a flood when three coffins slide out of the bank. It is the little girl he knew as a child whose picture is on the milk carton photo, pinned to a tattered dress on the corpse in the coffin. So it is an amateur sleuth type story where a bunch of locals are tied into the cold case murders.
Thank you all again and I plan to incorporate some of your suggestions. :)
( @HistorySleuth1 on twitter)
Oh, and the voice in his head he has his whole life. He thinks it's normal. Doesn't everybody talk to themselves once in a while to weigh the pros and cons of something? :D
ReplyDelete