TITLE: Here Comes the Sun
GENRE: YA-Contemporary
I should have known from the amount of diet coke I drank that I would have to pee as soon as I stepped on board the plane. And of course I can't use the bathroom while the plane is still sitting on the tarmac, because that would look asinine. I can just imagine what my classmates would think. “Oh look, there goes Tooty Fruity. She has to pee already. Didn't she know about the bathrooms in the airport?” And I do. I used them. But my bladder is the size of a walnut, unable to bear the strain of sixty four ounces of sweetened, zero calorie pop consumed in approximately fifteen minutes.
So here I am, my legs tingling because I'm crossing them so tight, staring obsessively at the giant red X above the bathroom door, willing it to turn green. I fight back my tears as I shoot my head into the aisle every three seconds to check on the status of the bathroom. I don't see my classmates. Don't notice if they're staring and leering or ignoring me as usual. I just see the small aisle connecting two bathrooms, and giant X's above them both.
“Here Tooty Fruity,” Meredith whispers as she bumps my arm. My lower half screams at her as I whip my head back in my seat.
My nickname. It's short. Sweet. And totally humiliating. And as I size up Meredith, I realize in her flat eyes that to her it's just a name.
I would absolutely read on. I love this, I'm intrigued, and I have no idea what's going on with this girl and her walnut-sized bladder, but I want to know! You're showing us a physical frustration in a way that we can all identify, and I can totally GET the torment. In my normal critique groups, I always try to come up with some critique for improvement or help, so that I'm not just a useless cheerleader, but I'm having trouble. I was a little confused at the "whip my head back in my seat"--did she actually throw her head against her seat, or is she just just whipping her head out of the aisle? That's all I've got.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!!!
Hilarious opening. As in the previous comment, I was also confused by the head whipping. You might want to re-phrase that. I didn't understand why Meredith said, "Here Tooty Fruity." Is she handing her something? Calling her like a dog? I don't get it. Also, is she sliding in beside her? If not, then how can the MC see Meredith's eyes if she just bumped her in passing?
ReplyDeleteI liked it and would keep reading if only to make sure she doesn't wet her pants. lol! : )
I really like her realistic and humorous voice! I understand that she is whipping her head back quickly. I am wondering why Meredith is saying, "here" Maybe explain "flat eyes" with a simile or metaphor or description.
ReplyDeleteI am curious how the MC handles the bullying that I think is coming. Kids can easily identify with this subject.
Interesting place to start. Anyone who has been in that situation can identify. However, watch for logical inconsistencies. For example, you have her state that she cannot use the bathroom while the plane is on the tarmac "because that would look asinine." So, from there it seems that she can use it but won't because of how it would look. Yet, in the very next breath you have her anxiously waiting for the go-ahead to use the bathroom once they are available. So..... which is it. Another example, she is hyper aware of her classmates who cannot both stare at her all the time and ignore her "as usual." Those are two different energies. And the choice of the word "leering" is out of place unless you are going for even another dynamic. Apart from that, it is a class and they are on an airplane - going on a trip? I think since it is such an unusal place then it needs some explanation up front. Why are they here etc. Anyway, if you pay more attention to what each sentence implies then you could tighten this and keep it internally consistent. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI immediately felt for your character. And, oddly, even though she has a sort of flippant voice, I didn't find it or the situation particularly funny (I'm ad odds with other readers on this one). I just felt bad for her, but hopeful and was immediately hoping to see her rise above her circumstances - her nickname, the bullying, whatever.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Happy Dolphin in that the whether or not she would use the restroom thing was a bit confusing (she absolutely can't, but now she absolutely will?). I did sort of get how you can be both hyper-aware of the people staring at you and then immediately, out of necessity and desperation, tune them out. That part didn't throw me at all.
I think I love Meredith already. Am I supposed to? She just seems like she's going to be like one of those non-judgmental characters who will take each person as they come, and who's not bothered by preconceived notions and the opinions of others. Yes? That's what I got out of that one last sentence. Which is a lot, so I'd say it was effective. ;)
I agree, I didn't find it at all funny. I found it almost heartwrenching. Again, liked it a lot.
ReplyDeleteI LOVED this. And I totally have to pee now. That is all.
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ReplyDeleteI wonder if you were going for a self deprecating tone here? Because if you have, I need to say that you overdid it a little, and the MC came across as whiny rather than poking fun at herself, and her poor planning skills ( ie, downing a large amount of liquid knowing there were limited opportunities for relief).
ReplyDeleteI guess it's a fine line.
Imaging to have to dissent and say that I don't wish to spend an entire novel with Tooty Fruity and her walnut sized bladder at this stage.
Arrrrgh! Auto spell correct changed "I guess" to "imaging" in the previous comment. Sorry if it was unclear.
ReplyDeleteThere's good voice. But I wanted something more then just the fact she needs to go to the bathroom. I felt it belabored, which made her sound a bit whine-y. If you can filter in some other things about the MC it might be more of a pull to continue reading.
ReplyDeleteShelley
Happy Dolphin makes some good points that I have to agree with. I like your MCs voice so I'd probably keep reading for a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood voice, unique opening. And everyone can relate with this airplane bathroom dilemma! Her nickname is a great touch (reminiscent of Baby from Dirty Dancing actually).
ReplyDeleteThis would be a read on.
The only dialogue, "Here Tooty Fruity" is confusing. Not sure what Meredith is asking or saying. But the last line recovers the voice and keeps me intrigued.
I just had this exact experience, minus the humiliation by classmates. And even though using the plane's lavatory on the tarmac feels asinine, and you absolutely won't do it, eventually there comes a point when your walnut bladder demands you must.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice here. I agree I was confused by the comments made by Meredith. Not sure if she was handing her something or what. But I would definitely read on.
I like the dilemma because lord knows I have felt it. I am not sure about the Tooty nickname because to me it does not necesarily sound like a put-down yet I feel that is how I am supposed to take it. I agree with Happy Dolphin's comments about the logic and , more importantly, the point about why we are on a plane when it is a high school class. But, since the Agent liked it, who am I to argue! It just shows, what works is really what one person likes and that's about it! Query widely fellow writers!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to cheat and get out my pom-poms and give this one a big cheer! Love the funny intro; I want to read on!
ReplyDeleteAs for the plane, kids these days get to travel. My niece went to France with her French class in the 8th grade. Washington DC is a common destination. Our local middle schoolers are selling candy to fly to Florida to study the ocean (not sure what's wrong with the ocean that's an hour away, but whatever). And these are public schools. Kids are global!