TITLE: The Nightmaere
GENRE: Paranormal YA
David Lowell told his mum that having a seizure felt like falling asleep, even though he didn’t know what falling asleep felt like. He never remembered. But his mum liked that sort of thing, something familiar but kind of pretty, and he knew it made her feel better. Like he wasn’t broken somehow. He first told her this lie on the morning he was released from hospital after the accident last summer, and he repeated it this morning from his bed in the medical ward.
“I want to go home,” he said as she patted his arm, avoiding the needle sunk in the back of his hand. His hand was cold. Hers felt hot and soft and damp. “It’s noisy here.”
“Of course it is. Everyone’s very busy.” She looked around the ward, smiled at the empty hallway outside. No one had come in for an hour.
“It smells funny.”
“That’s the disinfectant,” she said. He knew it wasn’t only that. It was the smell of sick people. The musty smell he remembered from Polly’s nappy bin, and Polly, back then. The smell of dishes left in the sink from breakfast, to be worked around when making a snack after school. And something else, maybe the hot stale breath of the old man snoring in the next bed, dark tongue slack in his mouth and yellow crusts growing in his eyes.
“Can I go home today?”
The writing here is tight but I'm having problems getting a handle on your MC. How old is he? Was he brain damaged in the accident? He seems either very young or somehow damaged and if that is the case, I'd want to know upfront.
ReplyDeleteI also don't understand why the mother smiles at the empty hallway. Does she want it to be empty?
I would probably read on a bit to see if the character and story became clear.
Overall, I think there's lots here to get the reader thinking, but not too much where it would be confusing. The specific details provided are fabulous, creating a clear picture & mood.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things:
Wondering about the POV. At first I thought it was 3rd person close, staying in David's head--even the details mom notices *could* be things that David is sort of attributing to her. But somehow, this page feels ambiguously omniscient. If it is omniscient, I'm wondering why we're getting mom's POV since this is YA. If it's supposed to be 3rd close, maybe be clear about David's hand feeling cold to himself and not to his mom, whose thought "No one had come in for an hour" is (since it's in par. with mom's dialogue, and get rid of "he knew" in 2nd to last par. so reader knows the thought is coming straight from David.
The transition from the first to the second paragraph didn't quite match up for me. par. 1 is about his method of convincing his mom he's fine, but saying "I want to go home," in the par. 2 doesn't seem like an effort to convince her. He seems like a smart, introspective person, so I would think he'd have something more specific to convince her. You also have "Can I go home today?" at the end of the page, and I'm not sure you need it in both places stated pretty much the same way.
Cool concept & I want to know who Polly is. There's a sense of sadness around that memory that's shown really well.
Is the lie he tells his mom that he wants to go home? That wasn't clear for me. I'd also agree with Janelle about some of the POV questions.
ReplyDeleteBut, this has a nice voice and interesting questions that I'd read to find the answers.
I agree with the above comments. I just want to add that you need to add the word "the" between from and hospital. "...on the morning he was released from THE hospital."
ReplyDeleteI like this but you may want to rethink the first paragraph. It felt like a lot of "telling."
ReplyDeleteSecond paragraph is where it feels in the moment.
Other than that, I like it.
Not sold on this. I want to be. But I think the first line could be stranger. Not liking the full name start. Nor the doubling of 'falling asleep'.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other observation about the MC. I don't have a good idea of him. And the voice is distant. I want to be more involved as this feels like an important moment.
I have to agree with Janelle on the POV. Not completely loving this yet, but I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Janelle on the POV shifts and with Helene on the age issue. I agree with Ron on the telling first paragraph; I'd rather see that information worked into the active scene.
ReplyDeleteI'm really torn on this one. There are so many things I'm intrigued about, but I'm a little lost at the same time. I don't mind the "telling" too much, but maybe shortening the paragraph and starting with the last sentence somehow. I like the connection of that lie with this lie and it makes me curious to know what happened both times. The description within the dialogue felt a bit forced to me. But I do like the commentary on the mom in the first paragraph about her liking a familiar, pretty lie (just tightened a bit) and the description surrounding Polly. I think I'd keep reading for a few more paragraphs hoping the story would settle in and ground me a bit.
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ReplyDeleteInteresting. I always think that an MC with seizure activity in a paranormal story leads the reader to question how much of the MCs point of view is real and how much is hallucination, always a good device to build tension.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, the writing could be strengthened with a little more showing. Do you really need so much about the hospital so early in the piece? The description of the gross old man is certainly vivid, and showcases your writing ability, but unless he's significant to the plot, does he need to be introduced at this point?
My sense is that if you concentrate on his seizures and dump everything else, the opening will be more compelling.
By the way, I'm surprised none of the American readers asked what the heck a nappy bin was ; )
The word but in "familiar but kind of pretty" jars a little, because kind of pretty does not contradict familiar. I think and should be used instead of but.
Hmmm. In these first 250, I think our MC *is* the paranormal aspect. Is he dead?
ReplyDeleteI'm completely intrigued and would definitely read more, but I'm a sucker for YA and ANYTHING paranormal. ;-)
I thought this was well done and the smells you chose to describe set a bit of mood, as did nobody coming in in over an hour. Nice, subtle touches!
ReplyDeleteI don’t see any hook here storywise, but I do see a promise of things to come and because of the writing, I’d stick with you. I did imagine him as a little boy about 8-9 the first time I read it, and then I wondered why they would have a kid in a room with an old man and remembered it was YA. I think the narrative voice works as YA, but the dialogue felt iffy to me. It may be the fact that mum is hovering over him. And even if he is a teen, wouldn’t he still be in a pediatric ward if he’s under 18? So maybe I should assume he is 18?
A promising beginning. I like parent-child role reversals, in which the child is taking care of or protecting the parent. But as a boy's voice, it doesn't stand apart. Except for his name, it could have been a girl. There's no personality/voice/quirks to connect the reader to the character.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph, I thought the mc was older, 16-18. But later, as the mother is soothing him, he sounds much younger.
After the first line, the lie about seizures feeling like falling asleep, I had thought the narrator would clarify just what seizures feel like and was disappointed when he didn't.