TITLE: Darkshyne
GENRE: Steampunk
Ana had to hurry. The two-story grandfather clock in the palace foyer chimed the hour, and she knew she had only fifteen minutes before she was supposed to meet Syd at the koi pond in the conservatory. She kept close to the pillars that filled the dim hall, following the marble giants with her hand. Something clammy grabbed her and she flinched and jerked away.
“It’s only me.”
A chalky white hand clamped around hers. It was attached to a skinny boy with a shock of white hair and a sullen gray gaze free of pupil. This was characteristic of his race, of course, but it was still eerie in the dark.
“Fade.” She wrenched her hand away. “Why are you creeping around back there? Why aren’t you in the party?”
“I might ask you the same questions.” He leaned against the pillar and folded his arms over his chest.
“It’s none of your business.” She looked at the clock that stood tall at the other end of the room, the enormous face lit up in gold. “I should be going.”
“Going where? You don’t have appointments, do you? Sir Alistair makes your schedule, and I doubt that the good wizard has arranged anything in the middle of the Heion Prince’s meeting with you candidates.”
“Maybe I just wanted to get away from that boring party. Did you ever think of that?”
“Boring, indeed.” Fade took a step forward, his face breaking into a sly grin. “So let’s go somewhere.”
Ok - I love the name "Fade" - there I said it. Your way of introducing such a name is great, first describing their "chalky white hand", and how that is a characteristic of his "race." This makes me want to read further to discover what Fade's race is.. vampire? Something different entirely? Also, I know that Steampunk is a semi-new genre, but opening immediately with the grandfather clock seems a but cliche. Gears, clocks, etc., I would stray away from using straight away in the first paragraph. Overall, I like your voice and the way you introduce dialogue and pair it with description, not just saying, "Boring, indeed," said Fade. Seems you are comfortable with experimenting with the benefits of straying away from the boring, "he said, she said."
ReplyDeleteI like this. Interesting characters. And interactions I can believe. The dialogue felt natural. And I love the name Fade. Sold.
ReplyDeleteWould love to read on.
I am intrigued with Fade. I would like a little more to pull me in right off the bat, but I would definitely read further just on the strength of Fade alone. I think you are on to something here.
ReplyDeleteWhy do I like Fade more than the MC? I feel like I know more about I'm then her. I found the words clammy, chalky, and clamped distracting since they were used in very close together and all to describe Fade's hand.
ReplyDeleteI think you could spruce up the MC's dialogue, she doesn't seem as witty as Fade.
This piece made me think. I enjoyed considering the different clues - like how Sarah is familiar with Sergeant Hanlon and how she knows about how her brother normally reacts when he's used drugs. I love that Sarah's voice is so strong. I initially liked how Sarah seems to know more about what's going on than her parents but then it also frustrated me that the parents seem so hopeless. (But that's possibly me reading as a parent and not as a young adult!) I really like that there is actually action in this piece - not just a mopey a teenager thinking about his/her life. And I like how the chairs clack!
ReplyDeleteSorry. That last comment was meant for #22.
ReplyDeleteI like this; I'm intrigued by Fade. And of course, whatever Ana might be up to. The only line that bothered me was "...flinched and jerked away." It just seems a little too much to have both descriptions. Either she flinched, or jerked away (or tried to jerk away, since Fade didn't release her hand). Other than that, I had no complaints. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked this pretty well. I'm also intrigued with Fade, which (as the silent h pointed out) could be a problem because he seems much more important to me than Ana.
ReplyDeleteThis could be improved with some tightening. I agree with Kelly that only flinched or jerked is necessary, but not both. I felt a little continuity issue from "Something clammy grabbed her..." to "... hand clamped around hers."
Did he grab her twice? Seems like you could pare this down so he's only grabbing her once.
I'm not bothered by starting with a clock, but I am a little bothered by the very specific information about her schedule. Is knowing we're on "the hour" and she has fifteen minutes to get to the koi pond relevant or woud it be just as good to say she might be late if she didn't hurry?
I do want to congratulate you on the complete absence of unnecessary dialog tags. All attribution is very clear.
I wanted to know why she was seeing Syd, and who Fade was. I think knowing those two things would give us some idea as to what this is all about. As is, there are no clues, so I have no reason to read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm not connecting with Ana. You keep it vague why it's important she has to hurry, but it causes us to be more detached from her. You give Fade a lot of description, but we have no idea how Ana feels about him. Fade, himself, I'm getting mixed messages from. You describe him as a "skinny boy," so right off I'm inclined to think him just that--a boy not to take seriously, and not to lust after. But the last line, in which he's sly and, from his comments, I think he's being suave, is incongruous with his descriptions.
ReplyDeleteReading on, I'd have to see world building that doesn't include a clock, and dialogue that's both true to the setting and characters. Right now, Ana and Fade sound the same.
Thank you so much for your comments and criticism. It's invaluable in my query process to hear from an actual agent. I appreciate your time!
ReplyDeleteThank you to everyone else as well. I appreciate all of the reads!