TITLE: Keepers of the Flame
GENRE: YA Political Thriller
When corrupt government leaders murder their friend, Ethan, Essie, and Shawn seek out the Constitutionalists rebellion, a movement set on restoring the fundamental values of freedom and liberty in the United States. The hideout lies deep within the slums of D.C., and the trio is unprepared for what they find.
Ethan spat a mouthful of red, bloodied spittle. It splashed across Scarface, clinging to eyelashes, percolating over scar grooves. Scarface raised hooded eyes, and backhanded Ethan. His head flopped to the side, jostling the knife at his throat.
Essie screamed.
“Who are you?” Scarface yelled.
“Ethan,” Ethan said, a thin line of blood sweeping from under the knife blade. “Ethan Hall.”
The petite girl gasped. Her grip loosened around the knife handle, swiveling to face Scarface. His eyes widened, then narrowed.
“Oh, so you know us, huh?” Ethan asked.
“Shut up,” the girl growled, pushing on the blade. Blood trickled from the cut.
“What are you doing here, Ethan Hall?” Scarface asked.
“I . . .” Ethan hesitated. Essie understood why. What could he say? That they were looking for the Constitutionalists? No. But with a knife at his throat, Ethan didn’t have much choice.
The girl released the knife and Scarface slammed his fist into Ethan’s stomach. He doubled over, gasping.
“I asked, what are you doing here?” Scarface roared. Flecks of spit flew from his mouth.
Essie cried. She felt the punch inside her. Ethan’s pain was her own. Tears poured from her eyes. “Please . . .” she sobbed. “Please don’t hurt my brother.”
“I . . . we were just . . .” Ethan sputtered for breath. “We were just . . .” he coughed, “out walking and this old building looked cool, so we . . .”
“Liar,” Scarface grunted, slamming another fist into Ethan’s stomach.
Pain pummeled into Essie. She couldn’t breath. The room spun.
Its quite well written. I can visualise the events nicely. Just one comment - won't a backhand slap while a knife is being held to Ethan's throat cause serious damage?
ReplyDeleteJimmy: Mmmm.... good point. In my head I was sort of thinking that Sasha (the girl with the knife) sort of steps back or loosens her grip for a moment. But CLEARLY, I didn't write that! I'll need to revise.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads up!
I was wondering who the girl was; now I know. I'm sure it's clear in a larger excerpt but since she wasn't mentioned in the intro it confused me.
ReplyDeleteWhen corrupt government leaders murder their friend, Ethan, Essie, and Shawn seek out the Constitutionalists rebellion, a movement set on restoring the fundamental values of freedom and liberty in the United States. The hideout lies deep within the slums of D.C., and the trio is unprepared for what they find.
ReplyDeleteEthan spat a mouthful of red, bloodied spittle. It splashed across Scarface, clinging to eyelashes, (percolating over)WC and collecting in scar grooves.
NPScarface raised hooded eyes, and backhanded Ethan.
NPHis head flopped to the side, jostling the knife at his throat.
Essie screamed.
“Who are you?” Scarface yelled. IMO an action beat would be better. Scarface blinked hard.
“Ethan.,” Ethan said, a A thin line of blood (sweeping)WC seeped from under the knife blade. “Ethan Hall.”
The petite girl gasped. Her grip loosened around the knife handle., She swiveleding to face Scarface.
NP His eyes widened, then narrowed.
“Oh, so you know us, huh?” Ethan asked. Again, IMO an action beat
“Shut up,” the girl growled, pushing on the blade. Blood trickled from the cut.
“What are you doing here, Ethan Hall *GWS*?” Scarface asked.
“I . . .” Ethan hesitated. Essie understood why.GWS What could he say? That they were looking for the Constitutionalists? No. But with a knife at his throat, Ethan he didn’t have much choice.
The girl released the knife.
NP and Scarface slammed his fist into Ethan’s stomach.
NP He doubled over, gasping.
“I asked, what are you doing here?” Scarface roared. Flecks of spit flew from his Scarface’s mouth.
Essie cried. She felt the punch inside her. Ethan’s pain was her own. Tears poured from her eyes. “Please . . .” she sobbed. “Please don’t hurt my brother.” **Okay you just changed Point of View (POV) in the middle from Ethan to Essie. Can’t do that in the same scene. **
“I . . . we were just . . .” Ethan sputtered for breath. “We were just . . .” he coughed, “out walking and this old building looked cool, so we . . .” **when speech is cut off, use a double dash –” The Ellipses is for a pause
“Liar.,” Scarface grunted, slamming slammed another fist into Ethan’s stomach.
Pain pummeled into Essie. She couldn’t breath. The room spun.
I tried to use track changes, it didn't work too well. Hope this is helpful anyway.
Blessings,
It was in Essie's POV during the entire scene.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt's very good. I think everyone already mentioned to just keep the positions consistent. Make sure that if someone is getting punched that the consequences of them doubling over aren't an accidental knife to the face.
ReplyDeleteThe only, super picky thing I'd change would be the "he didn't have much choice" line. It's more telling, and while it spells it out for us I think you get let your already strong writing show us that.
Cheers!