TITLE: Liora
GENRE: YA contemporary
Liora is the only Jewish kid in her small town middle school. Earlier today, Evan, her love interest, has shown interest in her for the first time. In this scene, the Creature, her arch nemesis torments her on the bus ride home.
Don’t pay him any attention and he’ll go away. He’ll go away. He’ll go away.
He isn’t going away. He’s sweeping down the aisle towards me, licking his bristly lips.
He slams my backpack on the ground and slides in close. Too close. I huddle closer to the window and stare at it hard. I can’t see Evan any more. I can’t see anything. The Creature’s smoky mouth breathing has steamed it up.
He lifts one arm over my head and rests it on my shoulder. I feel the weight hammering me down down down until I am frozen into the seat.
I open my mouth to protest and swallow a lump of something cold and sour.
His arm is curling around my neck now, twisting my face towards him. There are little rips on the seam under his arm. I stare at them, trying to light them on fire with my eyes.
“How’s my favorite little Jew girl today?” His voice is wet. I want to wipe my ear with my sleeve, but I’m afraid to move.
“Thanks for saving me a seat. You know I can’t go a day without a big whiff of farm air.” He pushes his nose against my ear and sniffs deeply. The bristles on his face scratch my cheek. I want to scream but the lump in my throat is choking me.
“Mmmmmm… bacon!” His body shakes with coarse laughter. The chunky Adam’s apple on his neck strains so hard, I’m afraid it will explode, covering me in his juices.
Oh my gosh. Constructive criticism? I have none. I loved it. I felt for this girl. In just a few words you made me want to file a complaint with the school against this creature. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteWell this made me laugh. Eeeeeew, his juices! I think my only comments are very minor editorial - '...and slides in close. Too close. I huddle closer to...' the first two 'close's are ok, but the third one should probably be 'nearer' the window. The only other sentence that felt unclear was this one: I open my mouth to protest and swallow a lump of something cold and sour. I'm not sure if it's bile she's swallowing or his effluvia. Other than that, good stuff.
ReplyDeleteAs @Emma said, watch for repeating words - close twice makes a point, but then I huddle "closer" probably needs a different phrase there. I wonder about a few of the word choices as well: "bristly lips" and "smoky mouth." I get the idea but not sure either works. If there's a way to use a stronger verb to show how gross his lips are, that might make it flow better.
ReplyDeleteBesides that, the tension is there, and you hit on an experience a lot of kids deal with - that prime bullying opportunity on the bus ride home. Good luck with your writing.
I liked this and really felt for the girl. Liked trying to set fire with her eyes line. Good job.
ReplyDeleteVery Suspenful. I kinda like the use of the three "close" words. I like variant wording, but in this case ,it's not harming the plot. Good topic! Looking forward to reading the rest.
ReplyDelete*Suspenseful
ReplyDelete*Shudder*
ReplyDeleteThis Creature guy grosses me out. But in an oh-my-gosh-you've-written-this-SO-well kinda way! Nothing bad to say here. I'd keep reading!!
I have a feeling I'm going to be a bad critique-er... I like EVERYTHING! Haha!
This is very good in a totally creepy, ewww get this guy out of here way. None of the repetition bothered me. BUT, I have a huge pet peeve and you hit it. Inside the bus there is a floor, not a ground. He needs to drop her bookbag onto the floor. Sorry, but that one is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to add! Everyone else pretty much covered it. Really solid writing here. Gave me chills. Love it :)
ReplyDeleteEffective scene-setting. I wasn;t sure at first if the creature was an imagined monster or a real person. It reads older than MG to me and the "Jew girl" reference I found really off-putting and unrealistic. Our kids - particularly in the younger grades - are so multicultural, multi-colored, multi-ethnic etc that something as normal as a Jewish person made this sound like it came from the 1950's and not today's world.
ReplyDeletesorry I meant it read older than Middle School to me not MG as in Middle Grade genre
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed it. I could feel her discomfort and disgust.
ReplyDeleteIt's strong enough to be an opening, as it stands alone without the preamble, and has a great hook. Have you considered opening with it?
I found this an intriguing scene with lots of tension and suspense. The menace is palpable. A great lead in!
ReplyDeleteNicely written with palpable tension. Although, I did not quite understand the reference to Bacon in the last line.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused about the bacon, and about the lump of something cold and sour. Did he put something in her mouth?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I like!
Well I think you certainly got across the desired effect. I hate the bully instantly, and I'm scared for her what this guy will do. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stephsco above. I liked this, you have great tension, but it seems a little over-written with the repetition. "He'll go away.He'll go away. He'll go away," and the, "close, close and closer." I also didn't get the, "bristly lips." How does one get bristly lips? A little clean-up and I think this could be amazing.
ReplyDeleteThis packs such a punch. Very well done. And, sadly, I can imagine anti-semitism among kids even now in certain communities.
ReplyDeleteWould really like to read this book! I really liked the author's use of multisensory descriptions. I found it very effective, putting me right there in Liora's shoes. The lump in her throat, her fear as he nears, her disgust...these were all very powerful and drew me in as a reader. I love reading about characters who are in touch with their core, and i love how visceral the piece is. A strong piece.
ReplyDeleteAwesome sample of your work! I love it. :) And I actually like repetition when it's intentional. I like alliteration, too. :P It's a style thing and when you make it your own, you're all full of awesome.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that bothered me was what bothered others, and that was the cold and sour lump. WTH? And how did it get in her mouth? Very eeew. I'm thinking now that she'd been chewing gum and the Creature somehow spoiled its sweet fruity flavor.
I think the bacon reference has to do with what he smells after taking a whif of farm air. Pigs = bacon, but you might consider changing that one.
Great job! Good luck with this!