TITLE: STAGED
GENRE: YA Contemporary
My mom is standing at the back door with Zig Jensen, thanking him and handing him a check. This shouldn’t make my heart fall directly to the faded yellow linoleum of the kitchen floor, but it does. Zig comes down from his cabin in the mountains once a month to do three things: shop at the grocery store for food he can’t kill or grow himself, visit his wife’s grave, and collect the rent. We paid our first and last--emphasis on last--when we came to Grigsby last fall.
“Evenin’, Camille,” Zig says in his raspy voice. “Enjoying your summer?”
I nod in his direction, trying to make sense of what’s happening. “It just started,” I manage.
“Welp, I’ve got to mosey,” he says. He holds the check up in the air and opens the door. “Thanks, Abigail.”
Once he’s out the door, my mom shoots me an apologetic look that tells me everything.
“There’s more tofu in the . . . thingy,” she says, pointing to a pan on the stove. “Sorry it’s so burnt. I need to get back to work.”
I stare at the two bright lights shining through the window as my mom moves back toward the table. Then I spin around. “What,” I wail, “was that?”
My mom stops in her tracks. For a second, I feel selfish. Maybe it isn’t exactly fair to overwhelm her with the prospect of a hysterical daughter while she’s trying to meet a deadline.
Burnt tofu and faded linoleum floors. I'd keep reading. I hope things start to look up for her.
ReplyDeleteThe part about the two bright lights kinda threw me off. I wasn't expecting it, as the reader isn't supposed to, but thought it could be conveyed a bit stronger. The way I read it initially was as if the lights were no big deal. But then her surprise and wailing made me realize differently. Any way you can show her confusion more? Maybe have her glance at the burnt tofu on the stove and have her vision distracted by two lights through the window? And what kind of lights were they? I don't need to know right away, but were they like glowing eyes, headlights, flashlights???
ReplyDeleteThe excerpt is very well written and I'm curious as to where it leads. Nice job!
Love this! You've a wonderful mix of mystery and tension. Nice writing-I need to know what's going to happen.
ReplyDeleteshelley
I took the lights to be Zig's headlights as he's leaving... if I'm wrong, then there's some confusion there... if I'm right, there's apparently also some confusion.
ReplyDeleteI found this to be a pretty engaging scene... there's voice, there's character, it's a scene and not backstory, and the writing is pretty good. I'd read more.
I'm distracted, though, by not having any idea what's going on. I get that they rent Zig's house in town, and he's come down for rent, which Mom just paid. I didn't understand the relevance of the line "We paid our first and last..." except for the idea that she's focusing on the last payment.... So I'm left with a couple of ideas:
1) They were supposed to be moving, and what with the last payment having already been paid at the time of lease, this payment is a shock to Camille.
2) Mom just shamelessly hit on Zig off screen.
Admittedly, the second would be the most interesting of the two. However, the first would have merit if I had just a little more clarity on that and just a bit of information about why it's important that they move or what's been promised to Camille before the rug gets yanked out.
I'm hooked! The first paragraph is pretty much flawless. Love the line about "more tofu in the ...thingy." I can really visualize this all happening, and I have a feeling an explanation of it all (why the check makes her heart fall, what deadline the mom is under) is coming not too far behind. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI am in agreement with Rebecca. The lights threw me off. It seemed weird and out of place. A little awkward, to be honest. The beginning had me though. The lights lost me.
ReplyDeleteNot sure where I stand with this. :( I will reread it again, but I think I wouldn't read on.
I was confused about how she felt about Zig. The "make my heart fall" almost seems romantic until I got to the next sentence. I'm not sure what's going on here and I don't get the significance of the rent check or the lights. The wailing and hysterical daughter seems out of place. Just a little more info would be helpful. The voice is good though.
ReplyDeleteI liked the tone and the subdued tension of this opening, but I had a couple of problems near the end.
ReplyDelete"I wail" seems overdramatic, even if she's very upset. Wailing should be reserved for the immediate reaction to sudden death or something equally traumatic. I assumed the lights were Zig's headlights leaving, so you might be clearer on that. "I watch the headlights as Zig's (character-revealing vehicle) backs out of the driveway," or something like that. And when he's gone, she can whisper her question to her mother without turning to look at her. Then we get the emotional reaction without the melodrama.
I would read another page or two.
I didn't get what was going on. There was no hint to the problem (that I could see) and I wasn't left with any questions to make me keep reading. Perhaps tell us what 'everything' is and why Mom is apologizing?
ReplyDeleteI really like your tone, and the way you write. That in itself has me intrigued.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm completely confused as to what is going on.
It sucks that we only get to see these first 250 words, and I know we'd understand everything if we continued, but that's the point of all of this right? To find out if our first 250 will snag someone's attention. So I'm torn. i really like your voice, liek I said, but I'm confused. So I would keep reading on that fact, wanting to get some answers. But would an agent? I don't know. I have yet to decipher the code that makes the agents tick. lol
Maybe some rewording here and there, and a little further detail surrounding the moment would help us.
I enjoyed the voice in this, but I didn't have much else to go on, other than Camille wants to leave Grigsby. Her heart falling made me think Zig was a cute guy at first. Her mother's apologetic look may have told her everything, but it didn't clue me in.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a feel for the genre or feel a strong conflict. With Contemp, you can take a little more time to move the plot along, but some hint as to the reason she wants to leave would have been nice. I'm not sure I'd read on.
I'm not sure what's going on in this scene. Why the emphasis on "last"? Is her mother giving the last check? Rather than creating tension with the mystery, it creates confusion that pulls me from the story.
ReplyDeleteI get a Southern vibe from the passage--but when I look again, I'm not sure why. Nothing in the voice or setting stands out as a specific region. But you've got the makings of a rich environment--faded linoleum, mountains nearby, tofu (interesting contrast to the rustic setting). As long as the premise in the query was strong, and the voice and setting clarify quickly and remain consistent I'd probably keep reading.