TITLE: The Penny Project
GENRE: middle grade
At ten, Penney Rewer’s so shy it’s cringe-worthy. She’s counting on wishes, like the ones she makes on good-luck pennies, to save her, but it turns out lawmakers have different plans for those pennies and they may need saving themselves. In this scene, she’s risked her wallflower status to invent THE PENNY PROJECT and is coerced into presenting it at high school assembly.
Just before Penney reached the bottom step to the stage, her mother slipped a shiny penny into her hand. Was her mom finally coming around to the power of the penny?
“It’s a very good deed to face your fears for a bigger cause,” her mom whispered, “Now go get ‘em!”
Penney glanced at the penny in her hand and remembered what started all this. It was cool and smooth and for a moment she felt just the tinniest bit braver. With a deep breath she crept onto the stage between Meredith and Elizabeth.
The hundreds of faces turned towards her halted her progress. But by then Meredith was introducing her and there was no turning back. Penney rubbed the coin between two fingers.
The students were restless from being forced to sit through a long and mostly boring assembly, but a rumble of polite applause filled the room. It sounded like hoofbeats coming for her.
Penney’s feet moved like someone had poured cement in them and her belly felt like she’d swallowed a car as she shuffled over to the microphone. When she leaned in to speak, it gave a high-pitched squeak that sounded like aliens attacking. No such luck. The principal adjusted the microphone to Penney’s height.
“Hello” she managed in a croaky voice. From the back, several teenage boys unhelpfully called out, “We can’t hear you!”
She cleared the frog out of her throat and tried again.
Though I wouldn't call this an action scene, it does appear to move the story in a forward direction, so that's a plus. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't see the threat here, other than her fear to speak in front of an audience. What does she stand to win or lose? The descriptions are nice, but they don't really do much to support the action. There's no tension here. Fear of public speaking is a common one, so what makes Penney's fear different? What motivates her to push the boundaries of her fear? What does she stand to gain, or conversely, what could she lose?
I loved this one! I (too) don't like to speak in public and I can identify with this girl. Maybe tighten and build the tension a bit more?
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'd consider this an action scene, however it does have tension. I can see where the stress is mounting for Penney and I think if you were able to go beyond the 250 words we would be able to feel it more.
ReplyDeleteI do public speaking all the time, and I still can't eat before I do it. I totally get how Penney feels. So you captured that well.
"The hundreds of faces turned towards her halted her progress." So true! The hard part is starting.
"The students were restless from being forced to sit through a long and mostly boring assembly, but a rumble of polite applause filled the room. It sounded like hoofbeats coming for her." Very good. People get restless. When I teach public speaking I always say, you can guarantee someone will fall asleep no matter how good you are so don't worry about it, and they do fidget from sitting too long.
I get the building nervousness towards the end. Personally, having done this, I think you captured the fear of it, and if we were able to read the rest of the scene, I could see it hit a peak of the deciding moment.. fear or conquer the fear.
I agree this isn't an action scene per se, but you show her struggling with what she needs to do. You did a fine job building the tension, and the scene itself was realistic in her feelings and the crowd's impatience. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was pretty well written; it just doesn't feel like an action scene.
ReplyDeleteThe only things I noticed was Penney starting the Penny Project. I don't read much MG, so I don't now if that kind of naming (their similarity) is common or not. It was distracting to me.
And I'd separate the two lines of dialogue.