TITLE: The Exiled God
GENRE: Fantasy
“War.” The word sunk like a stone on her tongue, cold and suffocating.
The war horn blew again and fish fell from the beaks of herons as the birds took flight from the rocks. The ships came in to dock, salt crusted on their hulls and their golden banners flapping. Pelagia ran, her bare feet slipping over the grooves of worn crags. She clambered up over the wall surrounding the temple, her hands sliding nimbly into the crevices between stones.
“Grandmother!” she called, running past the fields of bleating goats and beneath the shade of olive trees. Beyond the shadows of the archway, the marble gods watched her from the triptychs on the walls. The sound of her footsteps echoed down the hall, empty in her wake.
Pelagia took the steps two at a time and vaulted the last three. A hand caught her by the elbow and reeled her in. Her heart leapt into her throat. Hieron pulled her into his chambers, a smile teasing the corners of his lips when he looked at her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in, her red hair curling about the fine golden hair of his bare chest. She stilled and, for a moment, relaxed.
“Pelagia, what are you—“
“Hieron.” She touched his face and traced the lines of his jaw; she looked into his eyes, the deep green of a troubled sea. “The ships have returned from across the far sea! We must tell the others.”
I was hooked until she relaxed!
ReplyDeleteYou do a wonderful job of describing Pelagia's movement and the city around her, and the urgency in it made for good tension. However, the moment she relaxed in Hieron's arms, all of that built up tension dissipated. Yes, she still has to tell others about the ship, but the urgency you worked so hard to build is no longer so urgent.
One other comment: why did your first sentence have 'her' instead of Pelagia's name? Doing so just makes the use of her name in the second paragraph confusion for a split second as we connect the name to the 'her' from earlier.
You know, I kind of agree -- if Pelagia struggled against Hieron here, instead of just relaxing, OR instead of the moment where she touches his face, I think it would definitely make a difference, tension-wise. The only other thing for me (and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way you set your scenes so effortlessly with just enough description) was the repeated "reeled her in." and "pulled her in" after Hieron catches her.
ReplyDeleteI think you do a great job of setting the scene and creating tension.
ReplyDeleteYou also do a good job of incorporating multiple senses like sound, touch, and sight.
I have to agree with the other comments that her relaxation at the end drains away the tension you've created.
Also, one nit-picky thing: I stumbled on the word "triptychs" because I have no idea what that is.
I agree completely with the others, in fact the sentence doesn't really make sense. She stilled, then relaxed? I think you can delete the sentence altogether and it would work great.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is really good and I'd definitely keep reading. Good luck!
I loved it until the last two paragraphs. Actually, the second half of the last two paragraphs. You use 'pulled her in' twice in two sentences, and she goes from frantically running through....whatever she's running through, to feeling his face and relaxing in his embrace. Not what I'd imagine a girl who waits for war ships to do when they show up in her harbor/what have you. Push ol' dude out of the way and explain as she runs past, that I could get behind.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your first sentence--sunk on her tongue. It reads awkwardly.
All that aside? I really do love it and would keep reading. Good job!
Love this! I disagree - I'm okay with her stilling. Though we don't know who Hieron is just yet, I love the hint of feelings she has for him, that he has the instant effect of stilling her. It's only for an instant, after all.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the use of 'pulled her in' twice in one paragraph. But that's an easy fix.
Fanstastic job setting the scene. I would most definitely read on.
Great scene. I really love this and would keep reading!
ReplyDeleteGreat tension to start with! And I like the uniqueness of the protagonist's name. I'm interested to know what's happening.
ReplyDeleteYou have some good details in here, but the pacing feels a little fast. I'd like to see a little more, understand more of where she is and what she's seeing.
The emotive switch she has when running into Hieron threw me off just a bit.
I'm assuming this is Adult, but your main character feels very young--YA young. I'm intrigued by the setting more than Pelagia. I'd read a few more pages to see if I can connect more to her.
ReplyDeleteYou’ve caught my interest, and I’m assuming Pelagia will eventually go to sea because of her name. I thought the simile in the first sentence didn’t work, and I wondered why she says ‘war’ when she sees the ships returning and knows they are her people’s ships. Who is ringing the war bell? Is it someone on the ships alerting them that the enemy is coming? Or someone on land? What makes her determine war is at hand? Perhaps make that evident.
ReplyDelete