TITLE: Valhalla's King
GENRE: Paranormal
Male grunts and thuds of fists connecting with flesh reverberated through the alley as Anya stepped out of the club’s back entrance. She deliberately did not look toward the fight and instead concentrated on picking a path to her car through puddles and pot-holes on the badly surfaced parking lot. Darkness made it hard to see, but the water from rain the night before reflected what little moonlight filtered through the fall evening. Stink of refuge assaulted her nose. She held her breath as much because of bad smells as reaching her car undetected.
Half way there, curiosity got the better of her. She faltered in her step, muttering a curse. The thirty thousand dollars in the messenger bag slung over her shoulder almost overrode her curiosity. Almost. She turned around to see who was fighting behind her new client’s hot spot.
A blonde giant of a man fought against four opponents. Their advantage in numbers made up for their smaller size, as did their agility. Ducking most of Blondie’s strikes, they elegantly danced around him and delivered their own martial art chops and kicks at any opening. Mostly, they focused their blows to the kidneys and lower spine. They fought dirty, like Anya would have. If you didn’t have the size, you had to use other tricks.
The shorter guys were dressed in black from head to toe. They looked similar with cropped black hair, beady close-set eyes, and small pointy noses and chins. Like ferrets, she thought.
Lots of interesting details here to get the story started: a fight in a parking lot, 30K in a messenger bag, Anya's attitude about fighting dirty. Sounds like a tough female character (awesome!) & this story will be action-packed.
ReplyDeleteI think you could smooth out the writing throughout. The opening feels a little labored. Substitue a strong action verb for "deliberately did not look," for example, or cut it and just focus on what she *did* do. "Darkness made it hard to see" is also unnecessary, since the next part of the sentence talks about the "little moonlight [that] filtered through the fall evening."
The second paragraph confused me b/c I thought at first that the curiosity referred to what was in her bag...yet she knew it was the 30K. Had to read it a few times to get that she was curious about the fight.
The third paragraph seems the most natural, with shorter, more varied sentences, and a firm sense we are seeing things directly through Anya's eyes. (I would get rid of "elegantly" though; danced creates a clear enough picture.) Maybe see what you did in that paragraph and apply it to the others.
I agree with Janelle's sentiments. There are a lot of interesting things in here, but they're a little buried under your sentence structures.
ReplyDeleteI think the first sentence is a good example of this. I think this sentence could be a great and atmospheric one, but right now it's a little long and the words have no personality or life, it's just a technical explanation of something happening.
I think your character's personality starts to come out towards the end of this segment, and it shows by the improvement in the third and fourth paragraphs! The bit about how she would fight is good, and her thinking of them as ferrets is a nice, charming touch.
Hmmmm. I read this a couple times. I didn't want to read on the first time over. After rereading, I would, but I agree with the others. The truly interesting parts of this piece are overshadowed by the description of the fight. Anya's client. The money. These are the things. She doesn't want to look back, then she does and you have a full para and a bit about it. Strange to me that this sort of detail was put in. Why did she turn back?
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others, unless the blond giant is seen again, does she need to turn around. Also, the description of the shorter guys in clack suits kills it for me. Should I care what they're wearing? I'm hoping there's a reason you want us knowing this information, but right now it diesn't seem significant...especially when the 30k is mentioned so nonchalantly.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence as to whether I'd read on.
You get off to an action-packed start.
ReplyDeleteI got the feeling that the blonde giant might be important to the story and if he is, I would like to have seen your MC's own reaction to him.
I was interested to know why she is trying to ignore the fighting, but you probably show that later in the story.
I'm intrigued to know who your character is and what this fight was about and who the blonde giant is.
You get off to an action-packed start.
ReplyDeleteI got the feeling that the blonde giant might be important to the story and if he is, I would like to have seen your MC's own reaction to him.
I was interested to know why she is trying to ignore the fighting, but you probably show that later in the story.
I'm intrigued to know who your character is and what this fight was about and who the blonde giant is.
This is working for me. Many problems presented quickly and cleanly, and for an extra hook the mention of the money. I get the feeling whatever comes next will be worth waiting for, and I won't have to wait long. The only thing I'd look at is how much she could see of the combatants mid-fight in a darkened parking lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. You say she's stepped into an alley, out of the club (which I assume is a fight-club of sorts) but then you talk about people fighting... is she back inside, or are there people fighting in the alley? And if she has a boat-load of money over her shoulder, why would she walk through an alley? Wouldn't that be even more unsafe than leaving through the front door? Unless she's stealing it...
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'd read on at this point. Unless the subsequent paragraphs cleared up this confusion, I'd probably put the story down.
There's enough here--30K, a fist fight, a blonde giant--to make me read a little more. I think this opening could be improved; I felt there was a slight ordering problem.
ReplyDeleteFor Anya, the most important thing is that she has 30K in her bag and doesn't want to be stopped. It feels like the narrative spends too much time talking about darkness, parking lot, and water and then tosses the 30K comment in as an aside.
I'm assuming the blonde giant turns out to be Valhalla's King or otherwise important to that story, so the fight probably has to be acknowledged. I just wish there were a better way to do so than just having curiosity get the better of her (even though she's protecting 30K).
"Male grunts and thuds of fists" read very awkwardly to me. Also: "Stink of REFUSE."
This seemed kind of distant to me and I think it’s because you tell us what is happening, but we don’t get Anya’s reaction to any of it. Why doesn’t she look at the men as she leaves the club? Because of the money in the pouch? Because she doesn’t want to get involved? And what changes her mind when she does look back? Why does she take the risk? Getting in some of her reactions and emotions might give this a little more oomph.
ReplyDeleteI suggest reading a couple books on fight scenes, the descriptions don't pull me into the conflict and fighting. You use very vague terms for the motions like chops and kicks. The emotion feels detached from the mc. I can't tell if she sees this every day or if the fighting terrifies her. I also have no connection to Anya--no personal info, except a breif comment about her own fighting style. I am interested in her job though and why she's carrying 30K around.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all of your comments. They were all extremely helpful.
ReplyDelete