TITLE: Edge of the Falls
GENRE: YA Dystopian Fairytale
I feel eyes on me and I shiver.
The icy mist from the Falls soak me and the cliff beneath my feet. As I make my way across the icy rocks, I wonder who is watching me—one of the younger children? Or the white shadow that I have seen peering from the darkness in the past few weeks?
I resist looking back at the Manor. Even having lived most of my life within its shadowy halls and fire-lit rooms, seeing the Manor from a distance is eerie and forbidding. Somehow, it seems more dangerous than the yawning darkness of the Falls.
I drift toward the river, the water rushing alongside me to plummet over the edge in a cascade of ice and mist.
What would it be like, to fall into the unknown depths below me, with nothing to hold me to safety? The thought distracts me and I stumble, falling. My heart pounds as I fall, my knee slamming into the rocks, ice biting into my palm. I ease backwards, edging slowly away until there is a safe distance between myself and the precipice.
A sneeze behind me makes me jerk, sending my heart racing and my feet edging further from the Falls. I look over my shoulder, and a deeper fear blooms inside me.
Hi! You do a great job setting up the scene, and I definitely feel a sense of darkness and dread. I think you had a few repeat words (ice and mist, fallfalls/falling). I was confused by the part where she fell, which made me think she plummeted down into the depths, but then you have her backing away. Wondering what is behind her!
ReplyDeleteThis gives me a sense of dread. In a good way.
ReplyDeleteMaybe getting rid of the second I in the first sentence would make it tighter.
When I read that a young child could be watching instead of the shadow, I wondered if the MC was afraid of young kids.
When you say I drift... I thought the MC got in a boat and then realize she didn't.
Maybe writing clearer words so we know where the MC is. Is she hiking toward the falls, how close to the falls? Or maybe she's on the top part before the falls drops to a deep ravine or lake?
Just a thought, making it clearer to the reader.
This can be cleaned up. The writing tightened. A lot about water, ice, mist, icy...you have a lot of description going on. How much is needed? Not too sure. It feels a bit overdone.
ReplyDeleteAnd the opening line, I feel eyes on me and I shiver. I actually kind of thought she/he? felt eyeballs on him/her. Not sure if this is a girl or a guy.
A lot of repeated words for falling...fall is used 5 times, along with plummet, plus its in the title. She knows falling could be deadly, then she goes and does it after all the warnings. Maybe you could do a more gradual intro to the falls.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of good description here, building up a spooky atmosphere, but I feel a little let down in not knowing... pretty much everything. I know this is only the first page, but I wonder if maybe you could rearrange/condense some of the descriptions to make room for a few explanatory statements. A name, or his/her purpose... Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably great, and thinking of a dystopian fairy tale really catches my interest, but I'm not hooked yet.
You've already gotten some great feedback in regards to tightening and clarifying your opening a bit, but I just wanted to say that I'm hooked! This is so chilly and atmospheric and gorgeous. I don't think you need too much more exposition in these few paragraphs, but I would hope to get a clearer idea of the character and the world in the next few.
ReplyDeleteThere is a very dark, creepy feeling to this opening, but it does suffer from repeated descriptions.
ReplyDeleteI was very confused, throughout, about where this person is positioned and what's happening to her. At first, I thougth she was on a cliff about to jump into the Falls. Then I thought she was on the bank, moving toward a river. Then I though she actually fell over the Falls. then I thought she was swimming away below the Falls... but then, there's a precipice.
Tightening the structure and using more precise language will help clear up the confusing parts.
I really like this. I like the setting, and the idea of a "white shadow". Though I did think she was falling and then she hadn't, which threw me off a little bit.
ReplyDeleteI know some people have issues with first-person present, but I don't. ;) Though a little more emotion would be great--I want to feel what she is feeling! (She's a she, right?)
There's some nice writing here, but the scene feels a little static to me. She looks at the falls, looks around, takes a couple of steps, stumbles. If the Falls are so dangerous, why is she there? When she thinks someone might be watching her, is she afraid or angry? And for the end, I like the idea that she sees something that frightens her, but having her look back because she hears a sneeze robs some of the tension. A sneeze isn't scary or ominous. Is there some other sound that could draw her attention? (If it turns out her blooming fear is because she sees her little sister watching her and she knows she's going to get in trouble -- or anything else mundane like that -- I'd be really disappointed.)
ReplyDeleteNothing happened here. The MC stood at the edge of a cliff. Maybe tell us why he’s there. Is he meeting someone? Running away from someone or something? It’s not enough for him to just be there. Tell us why.
ReplyDeleteIn the third last parg, you have the river (presumably water) plummeting over the falls as ice and mist. When did the river turn to ice, and if it did, wouldn’t it either be still or very slow moving?
I love the descriptions and the way the opening perfectly fits the title. I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI feel too disconnected from this scene. Your character does a lot of action, but tells us a lot as well. Her heart pounds, the manor is eerie, her heart racing, fear blooms inside. But I'm not feeling these emotions. The brief moment where she's thinking about what it'd be like to fall into the falls, that caught my attention, but nothing backed it to hold my attention. What she seriously considering jumping? Or is this just an idle thought? If, instead, she's looking into the depths and thinking about it as a means to escape "him," "her," or "it," then you're creating another character, another danger to which we can relate.
ReplyDelete