TITLE: THE KILLER WHO HATED SOUP
GENRE: MYSTERY
Manci, Oklahoma, 1957. Caddo Indians and police thugs clash at a 50 year statehood celebration. Police Chief Trigger’s dogs were trained in Korea to think a kerchief, like Police Chief Parker’s wearing, is a signal to attack. As a foreshadowing, the restrained dogs had earlier lurched at the policeman.
"We can€™t see past your filthy signs,"€ screeched a silver-haired woman poking her umbrella into a Caddo’s back.
The Indian whirled and grabbed the umbrella. "I should run this through your throat."€ He snapped the umbrella over his knee like a spear.
The crowd around Bucky pushed and shoved in uneven waves. Something sharp slammed into his back. He hit the ground. A boot scraped across his entire forehead. Ignoring the burning pain, he scrambled to his feet, blood flooding his eyes. A muffled gunshot. Hissing. He couldn'€™t see, swiped them with a sleeve. White smoke. Everyone scattered. His eyes burned from sputtering tear gas. Squeezed them shut. A loud growl, then snarls pierced the screeching crowd. Bucky's world was spinning. A gunshot rang out--€”then another. His eyes flung open.
Smoke began to lift, and through a blur Bucky saw Chief Trigger'€™s broad back. Red suspenders crossed in an X, legs apart, a gun held loosely at his side. Bucky staggered the few yards to him. At Chief Trigger'€™s feet lay one of his dogs, dead. The other, also dead, lay spread-eagled atop Chief Parker’s chest. His kerchief, and a hunk of red flesh, hung from the dog'€™s mouth. Blood gurgled from where the chief'€™s throat had been.
Menci officers rushed over. Harman kicked the dog off the chief'€™s body.
Thunderclaps crashed. They ripped and banged. Lightning blazed in sheets. Heavy raindrops the size of quarters spattered everywhere.
a lot of confusion during the attack, good for intensity, but a lot happens to his eyes. the rest is gorey goodness with the descriptions!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely gory. I like the clipped sentences to set an intense mood, but there might be too many? I was confused with the logline but liked the passage. Raindrop/blood symbolism - like! Good work!
ReplyDeleteBefore I even read the comment above, I had the same comment about the possible overuse of the choppy sentences. It didn't bother me in the least (in fact I LOVED it as a device) in the first chaotic jumble of action. As the dust settles, you start to get back to longer sentences, which lets the reader take the same collecting breath that Bucky must be, but then the last ten sentences get choppy again and I don't find it quite as effective this time because I felt a little over-manipulated. That said, you have some great descriptions. I really love the visual of the red kerchief acting like a flag to a bull and the visual of it alongside the chunk of flesh in the dog's mouth. Totally gory, but in the best way!
ReplyDeleteI agree that the clipped sentences were a little too much. I think they work in smaller amounts. I was a little confused about what was happening, is Bucky the MC? The set up made me think the chief was, but I think the tension and confusion is good.
ReplyDelete