TITLE: THE STARS FELL SIDEWAYS
GENRE: YA urban fantasy adventure
Alison, a movie stunt double, is sitting by helplessly as her love Corben and the the evil Captain's right hand man Alexander are swordfighting. The Captain is securely stuck to the throne and cannot get up.
Archie's father has just died, and the group needs to get underground very quickly to avoid disaster.
My heart beat wildly and I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t believe that any of this was real, that the General had just died, that we were running out of time.
I watched in horror as Corben fought with Alexander. Corben was swift and agile, but Alexander hit hard and true. They scuffled up the few steps toward the throne where the Captain sat smiling, like all of this was for his own enjoyment.
Alexander drove hard against Corben and pushed him against the wall behind the throne, his sword at Corben’s neck.
I didn’t even think as I grabbed a small dagger by my feet and ran towards them. I let the dagger fly as the Captain called out, “You meddling witch!” and watched as the dagger sank into Alexanders back.
Alexander slumped against Corben and collapsed onto the floor, his sword clattering across the tilted room until it came to rest at the back of the throne. My heart had never thudded so loud. I wanted to blow up and shrink into nothingness at the same time. What had I done?
Corben rushed to Archie, who was beside himself with grief, and helped him to stand and then ran toward me. Together we made our way below ground.
Not long after we descended, we could hear the Captain start begging for his life. “You can’t leave me here! Wait!”
Sounds exciting! Just remember to stay inside the MC's head and don't make assumptions about other characters. "Corben rushed to Archie, who was beside himself with grief, and helped him to stand and then ran toward me" Instead, tell what Archie was doing, what he looked like, etc. so we can figure it out ourselves. Also, you might want to break up some of the action a bit to give the reader some time to react.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anon, exciting stuff but don't make assumptions. You could SHOW us via facial expression or other physical or verbal reactions how Archie felt.
ReplyDeleteAs well if you show instead of describe Corban and Alexanders fight it would heighten the tension. "Corban dodged in and out slicing and side stepping. Alexander parried each nimble jab with a strong thrust hammering Corban at every turn."
You could also cut out some of your "ands".
Other than that it was snappy and tight writing.
Great reaction line: "I wanted to blow up and shrink into nothingness at the same time. What had I done?"
ReplyDeleteWatch out for cliches: "My heart beat wildly," "hit hard and true." Then "drove hard" is used in the next paragraph. As @Alex said, show Corben fighting to describe the action.
This is super cool, but the awesome dagger toss gets a little lost: "I didn’t even think as I grabbed a small dagger by my feet and ran towards them. I let the dagger fly as the Captain called out, “You meddling witch!” and watched as the dagger sank into Alexanders back."
Maybe break the paragraph after "let the dagger fly," then have the captain say his line, then describe how it sails into Alexander's back. This feels like an important moment and you want it to stand out.
I enjoyed the action. I was drawn in quickly. You've received some helpful comments already, so I'll try not to totally repeat.
ReplyDeleteI especially agree that the action could be slowed down. I didn't feel the urgency for her to suddenly jump in. I think Alex's comments above about the guy's battle could help build this urgency.
I think I could have used a little more reaction and reflection of her feelings/ physical response after killing Alexander. Maybe play the "What have I done?" against the urgency to get underground. Stretch the moment, I guess.
I hope this helps.