TITLE: Supernova
GENRE: YA Suspense
Eighteen-year-old Alexa, has just been thrown out of a boat by the bad guy who wants her dead.
She pulled upwards through the water and eventually emerged, crying out and gulping in large chunks of air. She gripped the side of the dinghy, then hauled herself up and rested her aching body. The boat rocked gently in the glassy water, not a sound for miles except her own heartbeat hammering away in her chest. A glint of metal inside the boat caught her eye. She raised herself higher and saw Shahram’s knife, hidden beneath the bench. She exhaled deeply, then reached in, stretching to grasp it. But just as her fingers grazed the knife’s handle, a pair of hands grabbed her ankles and wrenched her back down into the depths of the murky water. She yelled out, but her voice was smothered as she plunged once again beneath the surface.
She sunk quickly, her manacled legs unable to kick. She pummeled his head with her fists and he finally let go of her legs, but then he hit her once in the face and again on the side of her head before moving to the rest of her body. His last blow struck her stomach, knocking the air from her lungs. She kicked out wildly, thrust her legs through the water and finally made contact with his groin, his arms released her as he writhed in pain. She swam to the surface and gasped for air, her throat burning as water gushed from her mouth.
But she didn’t have time to recover, to deal with the pain, or the blood that ran from her split lip, or the ringing in her ear that blocked out all other noise. He would be back.
What an exciting moment for your character! She's struggling for her life, always a good impetus for action.
ReplyDeleteI think you can break up your paragraphs to make them shorter and punchier. They're too wordy right now, with a lot of unnecessary list-type actions you could take out to quicken the pace.
An underwater fight is difficult to pull off because of the drag caused by the water. Have you ever tried to throw a punch under water? The connection wouldn't have much force behind it, and I'm not sure it would be enough to cause the damage you describe. Kicking, yes.
Also, with the wind knocked out of her and water rushing in to take it's place, I doubt she'd have the strength to fight back and struggle to breathe water at the same time.
I would suggest the underwater battle be more of a wrestling match than a boxing match. Maybe he tries to strangle her and that's when she kicks him in the nuts. That would be more believable.
I do agree with Karen that the underwater fight scene should be reworked to account for the fact that fighting underwater is very different from any other fight sequence. Perhaps cut out the direct punches and have more pushing, shoving, pulling. Since you end with "he would be back" I also wondered where this antagonist goes after the fight? Seems like they both have to get back to shore and there is only one boat. I like the detail "not a sound except for her own heartbeat" and I like how that detail is juxtaposed with the beginning of the action sequence.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what the others have said about fighting under water. But this is definitely an exciting moment to read. Is your character opening her eyes under water? And it's murky? Maybe describing what her antagonist looks like underwater would add an eerie mood to the scene. Just a thought. Great job!
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ReplyDeleteSorry for the repost:
ReplyDeleteAny scene taking place underwater pretty much terrifies me. So way to go on that.
I agree the underwater actions should feel heavier and slower.
In the first paragraph, not all the action descriptors are needed, some can be implied
For example, you don't have to say she "She gripped the side of the dinghy," you could shorten to "she hauled herself into the dinghy." When she sees the glint of metal we don't need to know she raised herself to see it, we just want to know what she sees: "Shahram’s knife, hidden beneath the bench. She stretched to grasp it. But just as her fingers grazed..."
All the elements are here, and some paring down will keep it moving. Nice work!
I agree that the fighting under water should be more of a wrestling style than one of thrown punches.
ReplyDeleteA bit wordy. He exhaled deeply, for instance. I'm not sure her throat would burn.
Excellent sense of action. Good luck.
-bill
Besides the above comments, my two cents would be to describe some of Alexa's internal dialog/emotions while all of this is going down (pun intended). It would serve to help the reader bond with the character while breaking up, stretching out, and building tension with what's happening action-wise. You have wonderful talent, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused that she came out of the water next to the guy who threw her in. I'd assume that since this guy tried to kill her (why else would he throw her over?) that she'd want to swim as far away from him as possible. Maybe this is the only boat around. Maybe there's some other danger in the water that makes going back to him the better option. Based on this short piece, I don't know those things, but hopefully I'd know the answer from reading the book. Like if the boat was stationary or moving when she was thrown in.
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