TITLE: Shadow's Dawn
GENRE: Fantasy
The Black Lion Tavern nestled comfortably between two adjoining buildings. It sported a plaque above it's door that hung dangerously askew. Just past the creaking double doors, the tavern filled with the commotion of excitement. The autumn air swelled with the stench of vomit and seaweed, mixed with the cracked sounds of tuneless singing and boisterous laughter.
A lone young patron sitting at the bar cleared her throat. Her voice, amidst the raucous of burly patronage, sounded soft and feminine.
"Excuse me," she said. Her eyes watched the manic barman before she lurched forward and grabbed the barman's sleeve.
The bartender stopped and nearly dropped the mugs he was carrying. He stared at the cloaked customer, eyes bulging out of their sockets and sweat draining down his face.
“What is it, missy? Make it quick now, we are grossly busy."
The patron motioned towards the empty mug in front of her. Her sharpened nails clicked on the wooden bar. "I just want my mug refilled."
The man blinked. “With what? Refresh me.”
“Water?”
Narrowing his eyes, he leaned forward and attempted to see past the shadows of the hood. Two silvery-green eyes stared back at him, dark circles jumping out against the ashen skin. Strands of silver and red hair gently fell across the already shadowed, round face. A pair of black, lupine ears poked out from under the hood, twitching curiously. "What's your name, dearie?"
She stared at him suspiciously for a moment before saying, "My name is Caraka."
This is good writing, and I'm curious about the main character here. Mostly because of her lupine ears, but also because she'd have the gall to order water in a tavern (which might be free) and then ask for a busy barkeep to refill it.
ReplyDeleteHowever, that curiosity might be the only thing keeping me going here, as there isn't a whole lot of tension, even if the tavern is busy.
You also don't solidify a viewpoint character here. I'm assuming it's Caraka, but you also head-hop into the barkeep in order to give your description. Plus you zoom in on the tavern like a movie would, when no one inside would be seeing the exterior.
I think if you start on the inside of the tavern, and add a little more tension, this would be something I'd enjoy reading.
I was definitely thrown off by the 3rd omniscient opening -- the distance from the characters is part of, I think, why there is so little tension in this opening. We have no sense of the stakes right now -- is Caraka trying to stay hidden? Is she an oddity or would she normally just blend in with the crowd? If we were in her head, we'd have that extra information, and I think that would really strengthen the opening! Right now, with this PoV, you're giving us plenty of description, but no context for the characters outside of that. I think if you tighten up the PoV this will be a lot stronger!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure what the PoV was either, and I agree with the other comments. Still, your descriptions are intriguing, and I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on! I really like your prose, and Caraka sounds like an intriguing character. (Plus I don't drink, so I can relate to her...heh heh)
ReplyDeleteI just noticed a couple of minor things (things I used to do in my own writing) that Renni Browne's self editing book can help with. (It's one of Miss Snark's Essential Writerly Readings.)
Sounds like you've got a good handle on it though!
I'd be anxious to see what those lupine ears are about.
Great job!
-Tele
Lush, that's what I feel when I read this. Yes, it starts out omniscient. Slightly confusing to pinpoint pov, but I like the lyrical fluidity of your prose.
ReplyDeleteIf this fell into my inbox, I'd keep reading.
I am in and I am out. I think the opening isn't very strong. Details of this bar would have been better given through the eyes of your MC, I think. I would have liked to have seen this started from the POV of Caraka, who I assuming, who I am guessing is the MC? Her standing from her booth, her observations of the room. The noise. Why she shouldn't be there. Why she is there. Would have been stronger for me.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I am still interested.
I like this. Omniscient POV isn't done often, but it does bring up the question, who are your other characters? As to other comments, with this POV head-hopping is normal, just ensure each head has a unique voice.
ReplyDeleteI think a few things can be chopped to tighten, such as culling 'before saying' right before the " " : She stared at him suspiciously for a moment. "My name is Caraka." To me, it has the same effect.
This is something I could easily read. Then again, I've read plenty of fantasy and am use to head hopping.
I really appreciated the prosidy in this piece, and I think the descriptions are fairly well done.
ReplyDeleteI did feel a lot of distance from these characters, though, moresoe with the unnecessary filtering (her eyes watched, rather than she watched). If this is Caraka's story, I'd much rather be in her POV. The tension, possibly because of the distance, didn't really pull me in.
Mind your it's and its.
(In my experience, good third-omni should be in one, solid voice. It's not "head-hopping"; it's an outside, sometimes unidentified narrator telling the story. Third-limited should have distinct voices for every character. I could be wrong, though. )
I'm not opposed to omniscient in theory, but it takes great care to not let it be distancing.
ReplyDeletePossibly the prose style of this just isn't to my taste, but some of the description seemed off to me. What does dangerously askew mean? Would there really be only one patron at the bar if it's that crowded? And I'm okay with the barman being sweaty, but why are his eyes bulging? I'd suggest toning some of these descriptions down, but other people really liked them, so it could just be me.
I think you have intriguing characters but your description of the setting overwhelms the piece and brings it down. I recommend taking the whole first paragraph working it in later (perhaps in bits and pieces).
ReplyDeleteHer strange appearance wasn’t enough for me. I would have liked a hint as to why she was there. Who would voluntarily hang out in a place that smelled of vomit and seaweed? And there are a few odd words and phrases -- The raucous of burly patronage, manic barman, grossly busy.
ReplyDeleteThe mc is a bit incongruous, first soft and feminine, then reaching out boldly to grab the barman, then seemingly quiet again though with sharp nails. I'm not certain what sort of image you what the reader to have of her. I'm not sure she is the mc. Your POV is omniscient, but it leaves the reader displaced, unsure whether they should be connecting with the barman or Caraka.
ReplyDeleteThis is just a set up scene towards what I'm sure is a very important and conflict heavy scene, maybe with a barroom brawl, but keep it moving quickly. From this passage alone, I don't know the tone of the novel, the conflict, or the mc's importance.