Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 1

"Nic, all I'm saying is Dad and I want you to start off on the right
foot this year."

My head fell back against the headrest and I grimaced.

16 comments:

Lady Glamis said...

"Nic, all I'm saying is Dad and I want you to start off on the right
foot this year."

My head fell back against the headrest and I grimaced.


I like the idea here, but it's vague. Dialogue between a child and father?

The first line is vague - is the father speaking?

The second line needs to be rewritten. Does your character's head have a mind of its own? I believe some more action on the character's part might help here.

H. L. Dyer said...

I don't feel like this is vague. It's clear to me that this a mother speaking to her child.

And there's a hint that Nic has been up to no good.

Lady Glamis said...

Okay, well now I feel stupid. Sorry. I didn't read it well enough!

I think that if you put the word "that" after "saying" might make it clearer:

"Nic, all I'm saying is that Dad and I want you . . ."

Hope that makes sense.

Christy said...

I had to read over this one a few times to decide why it wasn't working for me. First of all, it starts with dialogue and while that's not bad, it's not drawing me into the story. Secondly, this is in first person, but I get no sense of the character. First person can be a great POV, but you need to make sure you bring out internals. Make us want to care what Nic's done wrong and why he's beating his head on the headboard with a grimace.

Mary said...

Not bad. It gives an immediate sense that last year didn't go so well, and that there are going to be changes. Nic's reaction already implies resistance to those changes. Immediate conflict.

goldchevy said...

Maybe you could spice it up by adding a detail that shows something that went wrong the previous year.

Just_Me said...

Good detail. I'd read some more.

Inkblot said...

I'd give it another few lines :) It's not snappy, but it's not terrible, so it would depend on the blurb and the first page :)

Lori said...

I'm not quite hooked yet, since the opening line is dialogue from someone other than the MC, but I would read on to see where this is going at least.

Good gestural response on Nic's part, though. Very teenager-esque.

fairchild said...

To me, this hints that the MC has done something wrong, or that he has to do something he's not interested in. I couldn't tell whehter the person speaking was his mother or an older brother maybe.

The situation does quite pique my interest though.

Elizabeth said...

This is not bad. It does the trick. But I think the second sentence could be better, more descriptive of what you are thinking as your head fell back.

jerzegirl said...

I don't like "start off on the right foot" it's a cliche.. Also don't like head and headrest in the same sentence.

Luc2 said...

My caveat for all my comments, from here and further up: it's so hard to get a true sense of a story by just two sentences. But I know, that's the idea of this exercise.

This mildly interested me. The falling back of the head made a nice image.

blodwyn said...

I'd read on. I'd like to see a bit what his mom looks like here.

Merc said...

It's all right... I like DL openings, but with a cliche in the beginning (which actually works in dialogue) it kind of distracted me. Also--and I'm pretty sure this is just me O:)--the second sentence made me think, ahem, his head was not attached to his neck. ;)

I know what you mean, my brain is just wired weirdly. :P

I'd probably give it another couple lines, as nothing here really grabbed me, but there is the promise of conflict.

Good luck,

~Merc

Wulf said...

I also like DL openings fine; This one shows some tension and frustrations that I think most everyone can relate with out of the gate; definitely reading on