"Nic, all I'm saying is Dad and I want you to start off on the right foot this year."
My head fell back against the headrest and I grimaced.
I like the idea here, but it's vague. Dialogue between a child and father?
The first line is vague - is the father speaking?
The second line needs to be rewritten. Does your character's head have a mind of its own? I believe some more action on the character's part might help here.
I had to read over this one a few times to decide why it wasn't working for me. First of all, it starts with dialogue and while that's not bad, it's not drawing me into the story. Secondly, this is in first person, but I get no sense of the character. First person can be a great POV, but you need to make sure you bring out internals. Make us want to care what Nic's done wrong and why he's beating his head on the headboard with a grimace.
Not bad. It gives an immediate sense that last year didn't go so well, and that there are going to be changes. Nic's reaction already implies resistance to those changes. Immediate conflict.
To me, this hints that the MC has done something wrong, or that he has to do something he's not interested in. I couldn't tell whehter the person speaking was his mother or an older brother maybe.
The situation does quite pique my interest though.
My caveat for all my comments, from here and further up: it's so hard to get a true sense of a story by just two sentences. But I know, that's the idea of this exercise.
This mildly interested me. The falling back of the head made a nice image.
It's all right... I like DL openings, but with a cliche in the beginning (which actually works in dialogue) it kind of distracted me. Also--and I'm pretty sure this is just me O:)--the second sentence made me think, ahem, his head was not attached to his neck. ;)
I know what you mean, my brain is just wired weirdly. :P
I'd probably give it another couple lines, as nothing here really grabbed me, but there is the promise of conflict.
I also like DL openings fine; This one shows some tension and frustrations that I think most everyone can relate with out of the gate; definitely reading on
"Nic, all I'm saying is Dad and I want you to start off on the right
ReplyDeletefoot this year."
My head fell back against the headrest and I grimaced.
I like the idea here, but it's vague. Dialogue between a child and father?
The first line is vague - is the father speaking?
The second line needs to be rewritten. Does your character's head have a mind of its own? I believe some more action on the character's part might help here.
I don't feel like this is vague. It's clear to me that this a mother speaking to her child.
ReplyDeleteAnd there's a hint that Nic has been up to no good.
Okay, well now I feel stupid. Sorry. I didn't read it well enough!
ReplyDeleteI think that if you put the word "that" after "saying" might make it clearer:
"Nic, all I'm saying is that Dad and I want you . . ."
Hope that makes sense.
I had to read over this one a few times to decide why it wasn't working for me. First of all, it starts with dialogue and while that's not bad, it's not drawing me into the story. Secondly, this is in first person, but I get no sense of the character. First person can be a great POV, but you need to make sure you bring out internals. Make us want to care what Nic's done wrong and why he's beating his head on the headboard with a grimace.
ReplyDeleteNot bad. It gives an immediate sense that last year didn't go so well, and that there are going to be changes. Nic's reaction already implies resistance to those changes. Immediate conflict.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could spice it up by adding a detail that shows something that went wrong the previous year.
ReplyDeleteGood detail. I'd read some more.
ReplyDeleteI'd give it another few lines :) It's not snappy, but it's not terrible, so it would depend on the blurb and the first page :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite hooked yet, since the opening line is dialogue from someone other than the MC, but I would read on to see where this is going at least.
ReplyDeleteGood gestural response on Nic's part, though. Very teenager-esque.
To me, this hints that the MC has done something wrong, or that he has to do something he's not interested in. I couldn't tell whehter the person speaking was his mother or an older brother maybe.
ReplyDeleteThe situation does quite pique my interest though.
This is not bad. It does the trick. But I think the second sentence could be better, more descriptive of what you are thinking as your head fell back.
ReplyDeleteI don't like "start off on the right foot" it's a cliche.. Also don't like head and headrest in the same sentence.
ReplyDeleteMy caveat for all my comments, from here and further up: it's so hard to get a true sense of a story by just two sentences. But I know, that's the idea of this exercise.
ReplyDeleteThis mildly interested me. The falling back of the head made a nice image.
I'd read on. I'd like to see a bit what his mom looks like here.
ReplyDeleteIt's all right... I like DL openings, but with a cliche in the beginning (which actually works in dialogue) it kind of distracted me. Also--and I'm pretty sure this is just me O:)--the second sentence made me think, ahem, his head was not attached to his neck. ;)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, my brain is just wired weirdly. :P
I'd probably give it another couple lines, as nothing here really grabbed me, but there is the promise of conflict.
Good luck,
~Merc
I also like DL openings fine; This one shows some tension and frustrations that I think most everyone can relate with out of the gate; definitely reading on
ReplyDelete