I named her Whisper. It's the only sound she made in her fleeting moments on earth.
Wow. You've obviously captured interest with this line! I do think, however, that the "it's" should be "it was" since I see that the event clearly happened in the past.
I liked this. I want to know what Whisper was and why she died so fast. I don't mind the "It's" but I do that all the time, so maybe that's personal...I'm wondering if you need it to be "It's the only sound she'd made..." Like she HAD made, and now she's dead. (?) I don't know, I tend to go overboard on the had's too.
I'm definitely intrigued. There's a great voice and depth of emotion here, but I think "fleeting" detracts from it bit since that word's been so overused in emotional scenes in the last few years.
Excellent intrigue. These lines show very little, but say so much. It spawns a whole range of questions that I want to know the answer to, so yes, I would definitely read on. Great job!
It's got me thinking who or what would whisper in a fleeting moment of a short life. I would read on to find out. Is it a ghost? A baby? Or maybe an Angel?
I really like this, except for the "fleeting moments." The expression is too trite to do justice to weight in your story (at least, the weight I'm sensing in these two lines).
fleeting moments was hard to fit in; not sure why it just felt awkward (I'm sure you caught a trend there from other posts already); otherwise it's beautiful and I want to read it :)
wow. heavy. who is whisper? why was her life so brief? im intrigued!
ReplyDeleteThis got my attention. Great opening, IMHO! :-)
ReplyDeleteGreat emotional lines. I'd certainly read more.
ReplyDeleteShiny. 8^)
ReplyDeleteAfter breezing through the lines here, this one is my favorite.
ReplyDeleteI named her Whisper. It's the only sound she made in her fleeting moments on earth.
ReplyDeleteWow. You've obviously captured interest with this line! I do think, however, that the "it's" should be "it was" since I see that the event clearly happened in the past.
Good job on hooking everyone! Including me.
Great opening!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone!
ReplyDeleteI like this as well. Opens up lots of questions. Good choice of words, flows very smoothly.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. It actually made me feel a wave of sadness. Great job in just two sentences.
ReplyDeleteThis one is amazing! And one of my favorites! Great job!
ReplyDeleteEek! Sounds depressing. I'd skip that. I'm against things dying at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I want to know what Whisper was and why she died so fast. I don't mind the "It's" but I do that all the time, so maybe that's personal...I'm wondering if you need it to be "It's the only sound she'd made..." Like she HAD made, and now she's dead. (?) I don't know, I tend to go overboard on the had's too.
ReplyDeleteAhem. It was great!
I'm definitely intrigued. There's a great voice and depth of emotion here, but I think "fleeting" detracts from it bit since that word's been so overused in emotional scenes in the last few years.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my two favourites :o) Nice work.
ReplyDeleteExcellent intrigue. These lines show very little, but say so much. It spawns a whole range of questions that I want to know the answer to, so yes, I would definitely read on. Great job!
ReplyDeleteShort, but oh so intriguing. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked it, and I would DEFINITELY read on from this! It brings up a lot of questions and has good emotion and I like the tone. Great job! :D
ReplyDelete~Merc
It's got me thinking who or what would whisper in a fleeting moment of a short life. I would read on to find out. Is it a ghost? A baby? Or maybe an Angel?
ReplyDeleteI really like this, except for the "fleeting moments." The expression is too trite to do justice to weight in your story (at least, the weight I'm sensing in these two lines).
ReplyDeletefleeting moments was hard to fit in; not sure why it just felt awkward (I'm sure you caught a trend there from other posts already); otherwise it's beautiful and I want to read it :)
ReplyDelete