Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #2


A sixteen-year-old trouble maker returns from the grave to stop her best friend from committing the seven deadly sins. Failure means spending eternity apart.

Imagine if Dennis the Menace were the guardian angel in IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.


  1. I like it! I can just imagine all the conflict in trying to keep someone from sinning in so many ways...

  2. I'm so torn on this one. The first two sentences are well structured, goal laid out, consequences described. But the part that made me smile was the last phrase, and that's where my dilemma is. It just doesn't seem to fit the form of a logline. Is there some way to incorporate that idea (which is great) into the rest of the logline? Or is this one of those times where breaking the "rules" works? Anybody else have an opinion on that?

  3. For some reason, I feel like this would have more oomph if it wasn't all seven of the sins. Can't quite explain why. As for the last line, I don't think a parenthetical aside works in a logline, but I have no idea if it's "acceptable" or not.

  4. We need something more specific than "a sixteen-yer-old" trouble maker (such as a name and hopefully gender although that is often implied with the name). I'd also suggest you re-think the description "trouble maker" as it isn't clear how she can be a trouble maker if she's dead. Are you saying she WAS a trouble maker or is she still one from the grave?

    Aside from that, you need to tell us WHY she returns from the grave NOW as well as how spending an eternity apart is a stake (since she is dead so I am assuming they are already apart!)

    Remove the comp titles. These are great in queries but don't belong in loglines.

    Good luck!

  5. I like this one. Definitely has me interested with the first lines.

    The last line sorta pulled me back a little. I would tend to agree with the others that it doesn't quite fit "as is", but it's a nice idea. I would love to see a way to incorporate it into the logline a bit more smoothly.

    Im very curious what the "eternity apart" thing means, since one is already dead.

  6. Does it mean the living friend will be sent to hell if the dead friend (an angel?) fails in her mission?

  7. I love the premise, and agree that the last line is more of a query line than logline sentence.

    Because it's so compact, I think it's missing the kind of impact you probably have in the story but can't show so quickly. What, exactly, happens to your MC if she fails? I'm assuming that since she was a Dennis the Menace type, she didn't exactly go straight to the pearly gates?

    Good luck with this!

  8. It hooked me right away, although I would like to know more about why this trouble maker is dead and what spending eternity apart means. Wouldn't both go to the same place if she let her friend be a trouble maker too?

  9. I think this is great AS IS. The whole concept intrigues me--the form be damned. Good luck with this.

  10. I think this boils down to a matter of agent taste. Do some research on the agents you think are going to be a good fit for your work and try to figure out whether they are sticklers for rules or whether they appreciate a creative take on form.